26 (Winter Fire)

Hello, loyal readers (all three of you)! It’s been a while, but i hadn’t had much to say for a bit because… well, nothing was really going on. But since then, i’ve come out as pansexual (to an accepting group of people) gotten a new job (freelance), and attended an amazing BDSM/Sex event by the name of Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire.

(To protect the innocent, and the not so innocent, all names have been changed to Street Fighter pseudonyms. Also, there is generous use of gender neutral pronouns including ze, hir and them/they.)

Now, it was my first kink event, and i’d been out of the scene for about five years, so i was nervous for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that i was sharing a room with my friend Remy, on whom i’ve had a crush for the LONGEST time. Also, i always have this feeling that i’m “not enough” for any group or situation. I went into this one thinking that my measly sensation play kinks weren’t enough for these hardcore kinksters. So i was totally setting myself up for failure. 😛

Despite the fact that this was my first event, i’d gotten it into my head that it was a good idea to try have my own little party/playdate/whatever. I’ve been bellydancing for the last four months and i figured that if there was anywhere in the world where a male bellydancer would be accepted in a social setting, it would be at a gender-queer friendly kink event. I’m not going to talk to much about that, because it’s actually the least important thing that happened (or rather, kinda didn’t) but it was ok, i guess.

Anyway, i’d stayed at Remy’s apartment the night before the first day so that we could travel down together; it was his first event as well, so there was nervousness all around. My wife and i had talked about what could go on, and she expected me to do a lot of playing, and having a lot of sex. Honestly i was skeptical, mostly because i’m generally a very shy person. Couple that with the fact that i don’t know ANYONE at this event (save for the online messaging with people i was planning to meet), and i personally did not feel that there was going to be much sexing. On the train to DC, i made the conscious decision to erase my expectations entirely.

Wisest. Decision. EVER.

So we arrived at the event hotel, met up with the rest of our roommates, got settled, and i went to my first class, appropriately titled: Dark Odyssey 101. Basically an orientation class; went over event etiquette, and especially pronoun etiquette. The are a lot of people who attend these events who are trans-gender, gender-queer, etc, who do not identify with the pronouns one might expect, even if you think you know what you’re talking about. So, me being a person who is cis and considers himself generally clueless, this helped. At said class, one of the people who i’d been messaging with on Fetlife, Cammy, sat down next to me and we actually met each other face to face. She is very personable as well as very pretty; we greeted each other with smiles and we started chatting like old friends.

After grabbing a bite to eat i decided to dress up a bit, go to the Cabaret Social and check out the playspaces with Remy and his friend Q. We ended up splitting a bit while seeing many things (including but not limited to fire cupping, cbt, needle play, caning, wax play, clothespins, and plenty of things that i saw but could not fully comprehend), but i think we all had about the same reaction to it all, which Remy summed up very well when we ran into each other again in the Sex-o-Rama room: “Ok, i’m officially overwhelmed.” He then made a quick exit.

I soon followed suit and caught up with Cammy. Turns out the back injury she’d aggravated about four weeks prior was acting up and she wanted to chill out, so we went up to her room and i gave her a back massage (which seemed to help) and then she went to bed. After everything i’d seen, i was ready to crash too.

The next morning, Cammy and i had planned to go to a few of the classes together, but the presenter had apparently fallen ill and was unable to attend the event, so said classes were cancelled. I decided to go to a class called “Being a Sexual Initiator.” It turned out to be a very interesting class, about what it means for you and for others when you are someone’s first time (at anything). So, if, for instance if you are someone’s first homosexual experience, and you want to not spoil the very idea of gay sex for them, you have an obligation to make it a very pleasurable experience for them. The presenter went into how one can be an effective initiator, and discussed with the class our own experiences as initiators and initiates. Very cool class. I emailed the presenter so I could get his notes.

After this, i had my little bellydance meet-up. That didn’t go well, but I know how to fix that for future events.

Cammy, for her own reasons, was having a rough go of things, so we decided to go up to her room and cuddle until she had to be ready for her fetish prom date. We laid in bed wrapped around each other, watching James Bond and Law & Order. I gave her another back massage, and we relaxed for another hour or so. Have I mentioned that I like cuddling? It’ll come into play later. Anyway, we got up and got her dressed for prom (during which I learned how to lace a corset, which is interesting). She met up with her date, and I changed into a different belly dance outfit for the evening. I hung out in the “champagne room” for a bit, met up with Juni (another Fetlifer whom I’d been messaging), watched some fairly hot pole dancing, then caught up with Cammy again and went back to her room to chill. Lots of fun conversation was had with her and her friends (including a blowjob alongside said convo between said friends), and they convinced me to show them some bellydancing. I was a little nervous, of course, because I haven’t been doing it for that long, but I picked a short song with a sensual beat and did a quick ATS improv. To my surprise and delight, they applauded and complimented me! Yay! Successful first very small-scale performance! We chatted about bellydance in general for a little longer and then I kissed Cammy goodnight and went to bed.

As a precursor to relating the rest of the story, I feel I should add this: Remy and Q had been generally hanging with each other the entire weekend up to this point. I’d seen them cuddling and making out and I was feeling really jealous, but I decided to remain chill about it since Q was only in town for the weekend. It made sense to me that they wanted to make the most of their time together. The only time Remy and I got to hang out a little bit was at the Cabaret Social on friday night, where i gave Remy a little stroke/pet/skritch on the back of his neck. I didn’t have to like the fact that i was being a bit excluded, but I had to deal with it. So with that going on, it was really good that Cammy and I were connecting; we were both dealing with some emotional things, so we basically comforted each other.

So, jealous, a little emotional, but dealing with it. Ok? Ok. On to Sunday.

My first order of business this day was actually to leave the event and go see a couple of long-time friends of mine in Alexandria. That ended up being a fun, though slightly tiring excursion, and it was great to see them. Upon returning, I attended a class, aptly (in light of my emotions this weekend) titled “Making Peace with Jealousy.”

Another good class. Main crux of it was that honest, measured, thoughtful communication is key in poly relationships even more so than in mono relationships because of the fact that dealing with the emotions of more than one person is just that much more complicated. Also, that jealousy can be and is often based in some kind of fear, so being honest with oneself about that emotion is extremely important when dealing with it. Good stuff. Got those notes too.

Met up with Cammy once again in the hotel lobby and had some fun conversation (including a really funny bit with a dom about subs/bottoms/masochists who claim to have “no limits”). Afterward Cammy and i went back upstairs for one more costume change for her. She says she was going for a “fetish Judy Jetson” look, and my old cosplay mind kicked in and i started talking about how she could have stayed closer to the original color scheme and still kept the fetish look. She kind of glared at me for that. 😛 After lacing her up again, when thanking me for helping her out, she used the old comment “it’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.” I replied that i could have stood for it to be a little dirtier, actually. When she asked me why i hadn’t mentioned that earlier, i simply replied that since she wasn’t in the correct head space to play with a relative stranger, i wasn’t about to push things. Also, i’m kinda “service oriented” anyway, so i was rather content to be what she needed that weekend, which was, apparently, a cuddly assistant.

After seeing her off once again, i went back to my room to nom on my leftovers from lunch. Upon my arrival, i saw many people getting ready to leave for the drag ball, including, of course, Remy and Q. Remy encouraged me to get dressed up one more time and meet him down there; it was the last night after all, we should have fun with it. I put on a modified version of my bellydance outfit (with slightly less metal for comfort) and went on down. The drag ball itself was a lot of fun and apparently my outfit was a big hit, because a couple of the performers made a point of dancing with me, and i got a lot of compliments. Afterward, there was supposed to be a dance party, but that didn’t really happen, because there were more people interested in doing suspension scenes. Remy and the rest of us decided to go down to the champagne room again, to see what good music might be playing there. On the way, he mentioned that i owed him some more skritches from before.

Once in the champagne room, a scene similar to the previous night appeared before us. At this point Q took off for a minute for reasons unknown to me, and Remy and i were left standing in a somewhat awkward silence. I asked if he’d like to have a seat so i could continue with my skritches, and he replied in the affirmative, so i looked for an open couch. Q returned right about then, so the three of us found an empty couch and sat down in a little cuddly threesome. Remy and Q started making out again, at which point a couple of other people, Makoto and Rose made their appearance. Seems that Makoto had been looking for Remy since earlier that day, and Rose was kind of along for the ride. Makoto asked to join into our little cuddle pile and soon we were a cuddly groping mass of horny humanity. We got up and switched positions a couple of times; one of those times, Makoto and Remy started kissing, and stayed that way for many minutes. Watching them was honestly a GREAT deal different for me than watching Remy with Q. Didn’t fill me with the same kind of jealousy; when Remy was with Q i definitely felt a bit angry and bitter. When he was with Makoto… i still felt left out, but they had such an incredible chemistry together that mostly all i could think of was how nice that must have felt. Maybe it’s because i felt no attraction or chemistry with Q, but I did with Makoto? Bears examining.

Anyway, while they were getting to know each other i was getting pretty close with Rose, and the chemistry with hir was quite strong. Makoto and Remy eventually sat back down, next to me and in my lap, respectively, and continued to kiss while i watched intently. At some point in this Makoto kissed me, which was pretty nice. After a few minutes, Remy looked at me.

And we kissed.

Finally.

And it was exquisite.

The kiss went on for a little while and he broke it to ask me: “We’ve never kissed before, have we?”

“No, we haven’t.” I breathlessly replied.

“I thought you were no longer interested.”

“Oh no, i definitely always have been… i’m just awkward, and shy.”

This prompted an all around high-five for awkward and shy people. Or, if you prefer, a shy-five. Then we were back to kissing.

Makoto suggested that we should adjourn to the Sex-o-Rama room to find a bed so we could stretch out, as the couch made things a touch uncomfortable. We went in, found a spot and Makoto suggested a game of “pass the altoid,” which i guess might have been an attempt to make things more egalitarian, as some of us were definitely only focused on one person or another. It was during this game that i got to kiss Rose for the first time (which was awesome) and Q (which was very not awesome; we have no chemistry whatsoever and that confirmed it). Also during this game i cheated a bit to make sure i got to kiss who i wanted for longer, by cheeking the altoid so it wouldn’t dissolve as fast as it surely would have with all the tongueplay going on.

After the game, we settled into a nice pile; i was on top of Rose, and Remy was on top of Makoto. Q was in the middle, focusing on Remy, but as far as i could tell, ze wasn’t getting much play. Whatever, i was diggin’ on Rose. I kissed hir all over; when i sucked hir nipples in my mouth, the reaction was pretty hot. At some point ze mentioned to me that ze doesn’t make out with very many guys. I replied “neither do i” which, in retrospect was probably not the best thing to say, but ze grinned at it, so i didn’t think much about it and went back to kissing.

Remy and i both came up for air at the same time, and then started making out with each other. I’m not sure how long this went on (nor do i care, it was AWESOME) but an event monitor came and gave a 15 minute warning; they were closing down the room, so everyone had to clear out. We decided to head back to the hotel room. Once there, the pile resumed.

While we were making out, Rose ran hir hands all over my back and i groaned with pleasure, mentioning that my back never gets anywhere near enough attention. Taking that as a hint, ze decided to give me a full on back massage even using hir hair and breath for stimulation. SO. GOOD. Turned out that Rose was also very service oriented, and decided to massage everyone else’s feet and legs as well. At this point we found out that ze also has a foot fetish.

Rose eventually had to leave the rest of us due to an early morning bus ride, though not without us trying to keep hir with us as long as possible. But soon it was down to the four of us, and Makoto had us all getting further undressed, which nobody had a problem with, despite the fact that we were keeping all of our activity above the waist. The chemistry between them and Remy was still off the CHAIN, and Q was pretty disconnected for some reason, to the point where ze decided to crash on the floor, leaving just us three. Makoto’s bra came off, and we double teamed them, nuzzling, suckling and pinching their breasts and nipples with great enthusiasm. This went on for some time, but soon we were all becoming very, simply physically, tired.

Q came back to Remy’s bed, and i went back to mine (though i would have preferred the opposite, of course) and we crashed out, and slept REALLY late.

The next day was a hurried mix of packing and checking out of the hotel (and of course lots of fetlife friending), but that didn’t stop Remy and Makoto from snogging a bit more (or a lot more) before finally parting ways so that we could ride home with our other (never before mentioned in this blog entry) hotel roommate, Karin (who was getting a little annoyed at the snogging). Karin drives HARD, btw. The ride home was fast, and i’m pretty sure that with a lesser driver there were at least 7 situations where we could have had an accident. With multiple fatalities.

When we dropped Remy off back at his apartment, i helped him out, carrying his large and rather awkward bag up to his place and retrieving my milk and cereal. That’s not any kind of euphemism, btw, when i stayed there before we left, i had milk and cereal with me and i left it in his fridge. But of course that’s not the most important reason i went up.

We were alone in the apartment (with exception of Remy’s dog) and we took advantage of the situation, hugging and kissing with a bit of abandon. Multiple times we paused and said a variation on “we should stop” but we didn’t actually stop yet. Eventually we parted, promising to make plans for later.

So, yes, a good weekend with a GREAT finish. I look forward to future events, and i definitely look forward to getting back together with Remy.

17 (stuff)

A lot has gone on since my last full post. We’ve moved, i have a crappy new job (trying for something better) and my daughter and i both have been in the hospital for the same thing. Also a potential 3rd person has already come and gone.

Not much to say about moving, or even about being in the hospital. Moving sucked, because we hate packing and transporting everything. Being in the hospital sucked, because i was sick and the baby was sick, and we both hated getting poked and prodded with needles.

But what’s been interesting is that both my wife and i have been flirting with people, with remarkably different results. I’ve been doing my flirting online and thru text messages with a cute girl in Colorado, and she had been flirting with a local bike shop employee. Uncharacteristically for her, this was a guy. Anyway, things are going fine for me; we’re keeping it light, and exchanging pictures every now and again, but nothing really serious as far as making plans because she lives so far away. Also, i’m using this as a kind of experiment, since i’m not really good at flirting. Everything i think of to say sound really corny to me, and if i were to be straightforward, i feel like i’d be pushing too hard or saying the wrong thing. So i’ve been trying to balance that out, and i’ve been extremely careful not to overstep my bounds. I’m slow to say anything overtly sexual, and I’m very quick to say “was that too much?” Sometimes i feel like i’m at risk of sounding like a wimp, but i’d rather be *too* respectful than disrespectful. Might seems timid, but i have my reasons for being that way, which are perfectly illustrated by what my wife experienced.

Things were going fine until her guy, let’s just call him “Dan,” related a story to her about a sexual encounter with a girl that ended with him being quite forceful with her and not in that fun “do it rough” kind of way that requires explicit consent. Maybe to him there was IMplicit consent, but that’s not good enough for either of us. His verbiage in relating the story was very much out of character for him as well, as he normally sounded polite and kinda nerdy (the guy’s a poet), but in this he sounded pretty much like a hood. Anyway, my wife was QUITE turned off by his words, but also by the attitude he displayed in the story. The girl in the story had, very clearly said “i’m done.” He heard her, and there was no mistaking it, and he then very clearly said “No you’re not,” because he hadn’t climaxed yet. He then continued to do what he wanted to her, without saying in the story whether or not she wanted him to.

In reading this, both my wife and i were rather taken aback.

MAYBE the girl was all into it. MAYBE she wanted him to do what he did. MAYBE she’s a submissive who’s all about being dominated and being told what to do. MAYBE she likes being disregarded when she speaks because that’s her thing. Lord knows there are plenty of submissives out there who are into exactly this, but NONE of that was relayed in the story, and none of that is anything we can count on being the case. As far as the story goes and as far as we can tell, he completely disregarded her wishes and fucked her without her consent.

Which is rape.

Which is NOT ok.

So now, she has to break it off with him. She says that she knows how to handle it, and i trust her, but if things DON’T go the way she wants, and he threatens her in any way, he’s going to find his face in the ground. If she HADN’T heard this story, and things had gone ahead and they’d gotten to the point where they were alone together, something non consensual could have happened to MY WIFE. If such a thing had happened, i would very likely beat this man to death, because i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t be able to control myself.

I don’t act the way i do, in a way that other men view as timid, because i’m some kind of shrinking violet. I move slowly and respectfully because I RESPECT WOMEN AND THEIR BOUNDARIES. Explicit consent is required on every level and i instantly pull back if i sense any kind of resistance or hesitation. I’m very sensitive about this because every woman is someone’s daughter or sister or friend, and i’m a respectful kind of guy in general. Also being a black man, my testimony as a defendant in a rape case is about as good for my prospects as a dvd in a record player.

The Schroedinger’s Rapist article becomes more and more real to me the longer i live. It pains me to know that there are guys like Dan out there doing what they do and ruining things for the rest of us. It pains me even more to know that no matter what i do, and no matter how respectful i act, there may be women who never trust me or any other man because guys like Dan do what they do.

15 (a little rambly toward the end.)

So i’ve been thinking about sexuality in general, and my sexuality in particular (which is something that happens when i’m not regularly getting any), and i got to thinking about how sexuality is defined.

Often it’s dictated to us by someone else. The classifications outdate all of us: homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, transsexual, omnisexual, monogamous, and none of them actually come from how we actually feel about things. They’re told to us and then we decide if they fit or not. Or sometimes, sadly, we try to adhere to what someone else says about us, without really thinking about if what other people say about us is true. I’ve yet to meet a person who truly defines his/herself by his or her own terms, short of “i don’t adhere to labels.” Not adhering to labels is great, btw. I’m not trying to downplay that. I just think that rejection of definitions in order to define oneself is an interesting path to take. In my mind in it puts one in a kind of limbo. Maybe that’s freeing. I don’t know.

Honestly i’m not sure how to define my own sexuality, other than to say that it’s my own and i don’t know what words match. To most people i’m straight/hetero; i’m married to a woman, we have a child, neither of us are having sex with anyone else, male or female. I’m not going to out my wife in any way (or at least, i won’t say anything she hasn’t said elsewhere) except to say that we are non-monogamous in our marriage, if only we could find someone we actually wanted to play around with. Given that we have that freedom, which is not one that i ever expected, i find myself in an odd place. I’ve related in older posts about how there are at least a few women (and two men) who i’d love to get down with, but the opportunities are hard to come by. The two men in question are an odd thing to bring up to most people anyway. One of them is biologically male but presents as female most of the time, and goes back and forth between male and female pronouns. The other is biologically female, and presents as male most of the time, and only ever uses male pronouns. In the latter case, i always feel like i’m about to screw up when talking to him. This has affected the courtship negatively, certainly, but we’ll see what happens; we’ve played before in the way past, and his girlfriend seems open to the idea of some kind of something, but we’ll see. Anyway, that bid of attraction (to two men) is something about my sexuality that i never would have guessed about myself before i was out of my parents’ (very christian) house.

Something i did discover while i was still at home with my parents was that i liked to be sexy, and that thongs are awesome. I chalk this up to the ubiquitous victoria’s secret catalog, but also, my dad used to be a fitness nut so he had lots of bodybuilding magazines, and when the ‘fitness model’ craze came to the forefront, thongs were the all over the place, so that stuck with me. Later i found that i like wearing dresses, but simultaneously that i have no desire to actually “dress like a woman” if that makes any sense. It doesn’t turn me on exactly (depends on the dress), but dresses are more comfortable, especially when it’s hot, if i MUST wear anything. Plenty of you know that given the choice, i wouldn’t wear a stitch.

This brings me to something else: nudity. Let me see if i can pull all of this together.

When male nudity is presented, on the positive side it’s thought of to be athletic, or artistic and most often not sexual. In movies, male nudity is most often used for comedic effect, and if male nudity is sexual, it usually takes a back seat to the woman in the scene. There are almost never two men together, nude in a movie unless it’s a gay sex scene, and in most cases it’s a (prison) rape scene. Male nudity is depicted alternately as powerful and shaming, often in the same scene, and is more likely to be used to repulse the audience than anything else.

When female nudity is presented it is almost ALWAYS sexual, at least contemporarily. It is rarely used for comedic effect, and in a sex scene in a movie her nudity is always at the forefront. In movies you’re more likely to find two women together in a sexual context. Shower scenes are 99% women. Full frontal nudity is allowed in a pg13 movie, while male full frontal nudity is restricted to R or NC-17. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Female nudity is most typically depicted as appealing. Male nudity is typically repulsive, or at least offensive.

How this relates to me: i LOVE being naked. But outside of certain environments, this is completely out of the question, even where female nudity would barely be an issue. Case in point: i was watching the SG italian villa dvd last night, and there it was. 20+ girls at a villa hanging out and doing whatever, and never wearing much. Naturally it was edited to be as “sexy” as possible, but i bet very few people are questioning the girls’ sexuality in any kind of negative way. A bunch of girls frolicking in some decadent setting devoid of men is somehow beautiful, and sexy, and nudity in that context is all fine and dandy and if the girls are bi or gay or whatever, nobody’s uncomfortable with it, least of all the viewer. Not so with a bunch of men in a similar situation. Or rather, i’m sure there’s a market for it, but it’s not what you see on the mainstream shelves.

More later, maybe. It’s a ramble after all.

12

I had such a great weekend, but now I feel all disjointed. I’ve got a lot in my head right now and I’ve been having trouble getting it all out in any kind of coherent way

I need to get myself some new thongs and maybe a dress. Something slinky. No stockings or shoes, though. I hate those. I also need a new epilator because I’ve been way too hairy for a while now.

I haven’t modeled in four or five years. I feel like I want to again. If for nothing else than to feel sexy and have something to show for it. Would definitely have to be a female photographer; I don’t feel like a guy would have the right aesthetic in mind.

I also want to hook up with my black belt brunette friend from over the weekend because she’s athletic, hot and creative. I wonder if she’d let me shoot with her. I want to fuck her too (I’m really horny lately, so fucking is on my mind when I think about almost anyone). But at the very least we’ll be able to train together. In some ways that’s almost as good (if you’re a martial artist you understand), but to me it’s like really physically intense foreplay when it’s someone I’m attracted to.

So we’ll see. Vacation is coming up, so maybe the rest and relaxation will help me collect my thoughts. I’ve actually got a lot going on in the next three weeks. After that I’ll be able to think about things more.

6

A dream I had this morning:

My wife and I were at a bar (strip club, maybe?) and were hanging out and flirting is pair of very hot girls with various body mods. After a little while I got pulled onstage (?) and was stripped to my underwear, doused in water, and urged to dance for the oddly mostly female crowd.

I did my best, given the lack of preparedness, and even managed to pull off some acrobatic poledance moves (yes, I do actually know one or two). Then the dream flashed forward to the inside of an SUV, and there, my wife and I were making out, fondling and otherwise getting busy with these would-be alt models. I myself had my hands roaming over taut body of the skinnier of the two, and massaged her small breasts under the thin black tank top she was wore. She moaned into my mouth when I twisted her pierced nipples with my fingers.

Our kiss was deep and our tongues… Ok here’s something interesting. I really don’t know what would be an adequate description of what tongues do when people are making out. I’ve read cliched terms like “our tongues danced,” or very literal descriptions like “our tongues thrust into each others’ mouths,” but I don’t feel like either one does the actual experience of a good long deep kiss or sustained make-out justice. Oh well. So we made out a lot and it was awesome. I turned her back to me and started to kiss her neck and back. While one hand lingered on a pierced nipple, she guided the other down into her lime green boyshorts.

And there’s about where the dream ended, because right as I got her shorts down, I think my alarm went off. I remember her being clean shaven, which is just how I like it (after all, it is my dream). I suppose it’s just as well that the dream ended there, because I really hate just about every word for “pussy.” I don’t even like that one. “Cunt” isn’t bad, but it carries a lot of negative connotations. “Vagina” and “vulva” are both too clinical, and the former isn’t really accurate when it comes to what you can actually see most of the time. “Nether lips” sounds like you’re dancing around the issue. I dunno. Anyway, I’m kinda glad I don’t have to describe it.

Would love to actually meet either of the girls from the dream (because they both do actually exist; I’ve seen pictures, cuz they both are alt models IRL). Ah well.

Good dream. Wish it could have gone longer.

2

I think about sex a LOT.

That’s probably not a terribly surprising thing. I guess the reason that I would even remark on it is the fact that I was raised christian, and was thus taught/told that thinking about sex was sinful, unless it was about sex with my wife. Otherwise it was “adultry of the mind,” which, in the fundamentalist Christian belief system, was just as bad as ACTUALLY having sex outside of marriage. Of course, I wasn’t married then, so any thoughts about sex were considered just as bad as actual fucking.

Because, y’know, fucking is evil.

I guess I can sorta understand why my parents wanted me taught this way; better to not have sex ever, than to end up dead of AIDS or something. I don’t really mind the idea of abstinence. Nobody should have sex if they don’t feel like they’re ready. But the lack of actual sexual education, which seems inherent to such a belief system, is what was si galling. Constant cautionary tales about various forms of birth control failure, emotional turmoil, unfulfilling lives due to never finding that special someone (because somehow fucking karmically disqualifies a person from marriage?), and whatever you do, DON’T BE GAY, because that makes you Satan incarnate.

It just all seemed so unbalanced. So focused on being “holy” that it was just unrealistic. So naturally there were tons of teen mothers, because that just seems to be a matter of course with abstinence-only education. Also, I masturbated very often; I was on a one-orgasm-a-day regimen for YEARS. Good thing I went to a private school with a secular humanist for a headmaster, and got some actual comprehensive sex-ed to balance it out. Still didn’t have sex till I was 30, but whatever.

I always wonder about how different my life would have been if I’d felt like I was allowed to have sex. I can think of a lot of women I TOTALLY would have fucked if that were the case, from highschool till now. I’m sure that some of the sex wouldn’t have been that great, but I really do find myself regretting not having the experience. On the other hand, since I was trying to save myself, I felt like it was really important not to disappoint my future wife. Since I’d also heard horror stories of premature ejaculations, impotence, and of course inability to make the woman come, I read a LOT of books. I was probably more sexually knowledgable than most of my peers. They’d just had the field experience where I’d only read the manual(s).

Once I finally did have sex, I found out that it wasn’t all magic and rainbows and unicorns and leprechauns. Not that it wasn’t really cool on a lot of levels, but strictly physically speaking, all I was doing was sticking my dick in something that wasn’t my hand. Ok, that’s oversimplifying quite a bit (it was really more like the last scene in 40-Year-Old-Virgin, bit without the singing), but what I’m getting at is that all the teaching I’d had from a spiritual point of view really told me jack and shit about what to actually expect. Since that first time, the sex has only gotten better (especially since it’s been with the same person, and we’re really in tune with each other), but I do wish I could have, or at least could have had, other experiences just so I’d have something to compare to.

As it is, I can only fantasize about other women and the occasional man. And this is how awesome my wife is: she wants me to have other experiences too. I mean, duh, we’re poly, even if we’re not active. I’d ask her to hook me up if it weren’t for the fact that her friends are gay/monogamous/otherwise not interested. Maybe if I can get this job I’m going for, I’ll be able to meet some new people. If nothing else, I’d really enjoy the conversation.

1

I’m about ready to give up on OKCupid.

I just feel like i shouldn’t even bother. I contact tons of people but i’ve yet to get a message back. Of course on a site like that, or really any dating type site, the fact that i’m a guy puts me at a disadvantage. I’ve never really had any luck looking for dates anyway. Why would that change now that i’m married, non-monogamous, and up front about it? I mean, really, who’s going to believe me when i say that my wife is completely ok with the fact that i’m looking for dates?

Sure, i can go to a poly meetup and find plenty of people, but that just seems so… planned.

I know it’s not like everything can be all crazy organic all the time, i get that. One has to go where there are people with similar interests. But i feel the same way about this as i did meeting people off another alternative site. I felt like i was just this guy among all these people who are looking for something a lot more interesting (not that i’m not interesting; keep reading and you’ll find out how interesting i am. I’m just not alt/punk/emo/etc interesting).

I know this thought process does nothing for my confidence. I didn’t meet my wife until i went at the world like i had nothing to lose. But i do have things to lose now. I have a wife, i have a daughter. So i don’t feel safe just going out and meeting people because i’m worried about the people i’ll meet. Like, i worry that i could actually meet someone i really like, but they’ll be a psycho, and i’ll lose everything. Conversely i worry that i’ll meet someone who i connect with, but they’ll think i’m some kind of weirdo. Before, it didn’t bother me, because it only affected me, so i could shrug it off. But now i worry about being called an unfit parent, etc etc because i’m non-monogamous and my wife and i both have memberships to a prominent alt/porn site.

I feel like i can’t tell ANYONE, except for a the very few people with whom i have these things in common (and not all of the same things, btw, but most often only one or two of the same things). My family on either side will never know and if we meet someone who becomes a third (which would be awesome) then we have to leave them at home if we want to visit my parents, because though both sides of the family are old school, my side of the family is VERY heavily christian. I feel like i could be excommunicated from my own family, y’know?

I also want to do erotic art/photo/animation. I’ve been an artist for 20 years, i’ve been doing photography off and on for 10, and i’ve been animating for 15. I have the skills, but i feel like even if i have the most deceptive pseudonym ever, i’ll never be able to talk about it with my family. They’re important to me, and my work is important to me. It would be one thing if my wife were uncomfortable with what i want to do, but i feel like aside from that, i can’t choose between my work and my family. As an artist, i HAVE to put my visions out ther in one form or another or i’ll explode. If my family can’t handle that then too bad. Back when i was modeling, my mom freaked out about the idea. My dad was ok with it, actually, but he’s always been way more laid back. plus he’san artist, so he knows the difference. but even so, erotic art/whatever is always going too far with them. And would probably cause some kind of family controversy (they’d try to “love me back to christ”).

As if it’s really any of their business.

A friend of mine (also a model of mine), with whom i was chatting/commiserating about this recently put it very well, in two seperate sentences:

“Our country is not nudity friendly.”

“What it comes down to is that we want the freedom to be who we are without the repercussions of society.”

Yup.