45 (RTFM v.2)

December 19, 2011

This is an update of my user manual from last year. Been restructured and revamped in lieu of this year’s experiences and personal changes. So without further ado:

I am a 30-something married polyamourous queer father of one. Queer, for me, is an umbrella term encompassing sexuality, gender and gender expression, and for me those three things are all over the place, but I’ll enumerate them for you as best I can.


I’m from a fairly typical nuclear American family. Both of my parents are still alive and still together. I have one younger sister. My in-laws are likewise alive, married, and together. I have one brother in law.

My daughter is a precocious toddler, fully able-bodied, able-minded and typically loves to get into trouble.

My wife and I have been together for six years (married for five) and have been non-monogamous and kinky the whole time, though only recently on a more active basis.

I have a strained relationship with both my blood sister and my mother in law. Neither of them seem to have the ability to stop insulting me, though they claim to try. I’m not out of the closet to anyone in my family beyond my wife and my brother in law (but only on a limited basis with him).

My parents are both christian, and because of that, don’t know a lot of things about me, nor should they. Growing up was fine, i often had more communication with my mother about personal/life issues. Mom is a little high strung and always trying to give me advice and or stifle my online voice, which is why personal/angry/emo status updates are only put up in places where she can’t see them. She was most often the disciplinarian at home (spankings, etc.) Dad is laid back, and could probably deal with things in my personal/online life a little easier, but since they would afterward have to go thru my mother, no dice. He ever only spanked me a few times, and they were VERY painful. Not sure if i ever really processed that.

I have left any formal religion behind, and it holds little sway in my day to day life, but having been raised christian i was stifled sexually (i was also taught that “friends first” bullshit, which really didn’t help). I didn’t lose my virginity until i was thirty, to my later-to-be wife. Because of that, it is only now that my sexual development is maturing, and i definitely haven’t ARRIVED, yet. So i’m very excited and open to talk about sex/sexuality/gender at any given time. Since i was so stifled and now feel free to explore these things, i’m kinda chomping at the bit to do so. This is, however, coupled with a sometimes overwhelming nervousness about being so open and scaring people away, so it’s sometimes difficult for me to open up, even though i really want to. This can depend on the crowd i’m with, and as i hang with a more kinky/queer/etc crowd, this is becoming easier.

I also REALLY hate being interrupted when i’m working. That’s completely unrelated, though.

-Me at a glance-

I’m a nice person. By that i mean i’m actually nice, not a Nice Guy ™. I’m athletic, artistic, and creative. I’m a talker. I’m also the quintessential black nerd. I love videogames, martial arts/sci-fi/fantasy movies, animation, comic books, rpgs… I’m all over the map with my nerdiness. I’m also an older nerd, so i’m a little bit of an elitist about it. A geekery quality enthusiast, perhaps? I also really love music of (almost) all types, but my love of hip-hop and r&b stops at about the year 2002 with few exceptions.

-Things i value-

My family, my health, my creativity. I’m very into social justice, and i’m not a fan of the government right now because they tend to suck at that.

-Things i like-

Conversation. I crave conversation on whatever subject. Tell me what you think about whatever’s going on in your life, and let me talk about what’s going on in mine. For some reason i love minutia. All the the little, seemingly silly and neurotic things that people think about are exactly what i like hearing about.

Languages. I have a bit of an affinity for them, though i’ve studied very few. If you speak more than one language, i’m always curious about that.

Physical activity. I’ve always been into sports of various types, and i like doing new and different things. Also, i like watching other people do stuff. So let’s do stuff!

Dancing. Falls in line with the physical activity bit above, but this is bigger than that because it’s a form of personal expression. Dancing with/near/around/in the vicinity of me will ALWAYS get my attention.

I think for both of these things it comes down to the fact that i like watching bodies move. It’s just fascinating to me.

Ditto for singing, but that’s just because i like hearing people sing.

-How to connect with me-

Movie references/quotes. Double points if they’re from kung fu movies.

Look me in the eye when you’re talking to me. You’d be surprised how many people don’t.

I’m an artist and photographer; model for me.

Idle touches mean a lot. It says a great deal more if you touching me when you talk to me, or hold my hand in whatever situation.

Spending a day together is awesome, whether that’s going out to places in a city, hiking, or just nerding out watching DVDs all day.

-How to impress me-

Proficiency. In anything. Seriously, ANYTHING. If you’re awesome at something and show it to me, i’m very likely to be impressed. Also, see -things i like-

Be comfortable in your own skin. As one co-worker of mine put it: “I am the queen of not giving a fuck. You can’t out-not-giving-a-fuck me.” YMMV on this since we all have our issues, but the thing is that i’m not always comfortable in my own skin unless i’m so occupied that i’m not thinking about it. So it puts me at ease if you are just comfortable with yourself all the time (or even if you fake it convincingly).

Be passionate about whatever your interests are. If you really like what you’re into, you’ll probably get me interested in it as well.

Take me out for interesting and different food. Bonus if you can cook/prepare it.

Speaking of food, if we go out to eat and you’re paying, generous tips (20% or more) give me warm fuzzies.

-How to turn me on emotionally-

Let me know that i’m allowed to be myself and that no aspect of me will be treated as weird in a negative way.

Trust me and let me know that i can trust you. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with me.

Include me in activities with other people. I like doing new and different things. If you’re in another relationship, i want to meet them and connect with them as well. You should also get to know my wife and child.

Return communications. This is a big deal. Whether phone call, chat, text message, carrier pigeon, WHATEVER. Doesn’t have to be the same type of communication either, just at least acknowledge that you heard me.

Listen to me rant if i’m freaking out. I have a tendency to overreact (i’m working on it) and as long as i get that out early then i can think rationally afterwards.

-How to turn me on sexually-

Kisses, hugs and cuddles will ALWAYS work. In fact, the longer any of these go on, the more turned on i will be. I am very much NOT goal oriented when it comes to physical affection, and by that i mean i really just enjoy being in the moment and savoring what’s going on physically. I don’t generally try to push forward to the “main event” whatever that means. For me, a lot of times, what others call foreplay is the point of the interaction. I will make out with you for HOURS if you’ll let me.

Once clothes start coming off, massages absolutely turn me on whether i’m giving or recieving them. You honestly can’t touch my back enough, either with your hands or your mouth. Ditto for my nipples and my ass.

That said, i do enjoy sex a LOT. I define sex as anything requiring protection to perform. So, if we need a barrier of any kind to do it (or if it has the term SEX in the name), it’s sex. If at any point you are confused on this, ask. BDSM play, while it is often sexual, isn’t the same thing as it requires a different kind of trust (and protection) than sex. At this point the two have never intermingled (with exceptions made for D/s dynamics), but i’m open to it.

With BDSM, i’m a bottom who’s willing to try almost anything, but it helps me a great deal to see something done to someone else first before i’m willing to have it done to me. When it comes to BDSM, i enjoy sensation play, but when it’s time to step it up, break out the claws, knives, electricity, and fire. I’m also gaining an appreciation for rope and impact play. The thuddier the better.

Wrestle with me; try and overpower me. Bonus if you actually can.

Watch porn with me. And not the boring heavily made up implant porn, i mean stuff like The Crash Pad, Chemistry, and ShortBus. Tell me what you like in porn and what you’d like to see in porn.

-Queer Stuff-

As i said before, i use the term “queer” as an umbrella term to refer to both my sexuality and my gender/gender presentation.

Gender: I’m a man (pronouns are he/his/him), but i’m not very masculine. Most of the time i’m pretty neutral and sometimes i’m feminine. In general i don’t think of clothes as having a gender of their own; if it looks good on me then it looks good, so I’m in the process of building up my wardrobe to contain a balance of clothes from both sides of the store, to mix and match as i see fit.

Sexuality: I’ve told people before that i should just carry a sign at events that says “all genders welcome.” I really am open to anyone at this point, but my attractions are still oddly narrow when it comes to how people actually look. I’m still figuring that out; what attracts me to people on that visceral, heart thumping, cold sweating, cheek flushing, makes-my-underwear-get-tight kind of level… i got no idea. There’s no defineable list of criteria at this point. It basically boils down to the fact that if i think you’re hot, then i think you’re hot. Sorry i can’t be clearer.

Though, interestingly, i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the first “alternative lifestyle” person i ever met was my godmother, and she was the coolest person on earth when i knew her, so on some kind of subconscious level, if i’m attracted to you, no matter your gender, you exude a quality that i saw in her. Couldn’t begin to tell you what quality that might be, though.

-How to turn me off-

Racist, sexist, heteronormative, cissexist, transphobic, homophobic, classist, ableist, or binarist crap, and doubling down when called on it. We all make mistakes, and life has given different people different experiences and that’s all great, but there’s a limit. I’ve become very tired of trying to explain why things are problematic.

On the race side especially this includes but is not limited to racial fetishization. If you see me and you think “big black cock WANT” you can die in a fire. Don’t ever invite me to a BBC party unless you want me to just start throat-punching the other attendees. There are plenty of bigger cocks you can buy for relatively cheap. I am not a sex toy. I am a person.

Conceit. Self-confidence is great, but self-absorption is full of fail.

Insult me, or treat my interests as “weird.”

If you don’t communicate clearly with me, things won’t work. I’m really seriously NOT psychic.

If i’ve missed anything, or you feel i was unclear, feel free to ask me in the comments!

"Like a girl" – yes, again..

Goes along with what i was saying in this post:

“The fact is that our society, while claiming not to hate women anymore, still hates just about everything associated with women. Of course the hatred of the association cannot exist without the original hatred, and we haven’t really moved on from that yet.”

44 (About my gender)

December 5, 2011

I’m a man.

I was assigned male at birth, i was raised as male, i was taught all of the typically “male” things. I don’t really feel like anything other than a man. But i can’t say that i always feel masculine. A lot of times i feel distinctly feminine. In the last few months i’ve had moments of actual gender dysphoria, which really threw me for a loop. I looked at myself in the mirror and, for the first time on a gender based level, i actually disliked what i saw, physically. I wanted to see wider hips, narrower shoulders. At one point, i didn’t want my penis anymore. Interestingly, i didn’t really want breasts. I’m still processing that, i think.

The terms “masculine” and “feminine” bother me to an increasing degree. I feel like these titles are ultimately useless because they are describe activities and clothes and all kind of things that have no actual gender of their own other than what society has attached to them. Somehow it just became “fact” that certain types of shoes or garments, for example, are for men and others are for women. It also continues to irk me that f-apparent people can wear “mens'” clothes mostly without issue, but m-apparent people cannot wear “womens'” clothes without the assumption that something is wrong with them. What if i like wearing a dress, dammit? And of course these standards change ALL THE TIME. In a couple hundred years, men might be wearing dresses on the regular.

Also, many activities that i enjoy can fall on either side of the typical binary. Sports can be played by anyone, for example. Athleticism and physical ability have no gender, so why do they suddenly take on a gender when applied to certain activities?

My wife has used the term “non gender conforming” in reference to me before, but i don’t feel that that’s actually the case at all. I just don’t conform to society’s opinion of what my gender is supposed to be. I actually feel like i’m conforming to the ever-changing and fluctuating notion of my own gender just fine, thankyouverymuch, skirts and all. Even if i were to claim to be anything other than male, i’d only claim gender neutrality, and the only reason i’d even say that is because the things i like to do are considered feminine BY EVERYONE ELSE.

I don’t think i want to apply everyone else’s standards of gender to what I feel.