So i’ve been thinking about sexuality in general, and my sexuality in particular (which is something that happens when i’m not regularly getting any), and i got to thinking about how sexuality is defined.

Often it’s dictated to us by someone else. The classifications outdate all of us: homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, transsexual, omnisexual, monogamous, and none of them actually come from how we actually feel about things. They’re told to us and then we decide if they fit or not. Or sometimes, sadly, we try to adhere to what someone else says about us, without really thinking about if what other people say about us is true. I’ve yet to meet a person who truly defines his/herself by his or her own terms, short of “i don’t adhere to labels.” Not adhering to labels is great, btw. I’m not trying to downplay that. I just think that rejection of definitions in order to define oneself is an interesting path to take. In my mind in it puts one in a kind of limbo. Maybe that’s freeing. I don’t know.

Honestly i’m not sure how to define my own sexuality, other than to say that it’s my own and i don’t know what words match. To most people i’m straight/hetero; i’m married to a woman, we have a child, neither of us are having sex with anyone else, male or female. I’m not going to out my wife in any way (or at least, i won’t say anything she hasn’t said elsewhere) except to say that we are non-monogamous in our marriage, if only we could find someone we actually wanted to play around with. Given that we have that freedom, which is not one that i ever expected, i find myself in an odd place. I’ve related in older posts about how there are at least a few women (and two men) who i’d love to get down with, but the opportunities are hard to come by. The two men in question are an odd thing to bring up to most people anyway. One of them is biologically male but presents as female most of the time, and goes back and forth between male and female pronouns. The other is biologically female, and presents as male most of the time, and only ever uses male pronouns. In the latter case, i always feel like i’m about to screw up when talking to him. This has affected the courtship negatively, certainly, but we’ll see what happens; we’ve played before in the way past, and his girlfriend seems open to the idea of some kind of something, but we’ll see. Anyway, that bid of attraction (to two men) is something about my sexuality that i never would have guessed about myself before i was out of my parents’ (very christian) house.

Something i did discover while i was still at home with my parents was that i liked to be sexy, and that thongs are awesome. I chalk this up to the ubiquitous victoria’s secret catalog, but also, my dad used to be a fitness nut so he had lots of bodybuilding magazines, and when the ‘fitness model’ craze came to the forefront, thongs were the all over the place, so that stuck with me. Later i found that i like wearing dresses, but simultaneously that i have no desire to actually “dress like a woman” if that makes any sense. It doesn’t turn me on exactly (depends on the dress), but dresses are more comfortable, especially when it’s hot, if i MUST wear anything. Plenty of you know that given the choice, i wouldn’t wear a stitch.

This brings me to something else: nudity. Let me see if i can pull all of this together.

When male nudity is presented, on the positive side it’s thought of to be athletic, or artistic and most often not sexual. In movies, male nudity is most often used for comedic effect, and if male nudity is sexual, it usually takes a back seat to the woman in the scene. There are almost never two men together, nude in a movie unless it’s a gay sex scene, and in most cases it’s a (prison) rape scene. Male nudity is depicted alternately as powerful and shaming, often in the same scene, and is more likely to be used to repulse the audience than anything else.

When female nudity is presented it is almost ALWAYS sexual, at least contemporarily. It is rarely used for comedic effect, and in a sex scene in a movie her nudity is always at the forefront. In movies you’re more likely to find two women together in a sexual context. Shower scenes are 99% women. Full frontal nudity is allowed in a pg13 movie, while male full frontal nudity is restricted to R or NC-17. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Female nudity is most typically depicted as appealing. Male nudity is typically repulsive, or at least offensive.

How this relates to me: i LOVE being naked. But outside of certain environments, this is completely out of the question, even where female nudity would barely be an issue. Case in point: i was watching the SG italian villa dvd last night, and there it was. 20+ girls at a villa hanging out and doing whatever, and never wearing much. Naturally it was edited to be as “sexy” as possible, but i bet very few people are questioning the girls’ sexuality in any kind of negative way. A bunch of girls frolicking in some decadent setting devoid of men is somehow beautiful, and sexy, and nudity in that context is all fine and dandy and if the girls are bi or gay or whatever, nobody’s uncomfortable with it, least of all the viewer. Not so with a bunch of men in a similar situation. Or rather, i’m sure there’s a market for it, but it’s not what you see on the mainstream shelves.

More later, maybe. It’s a ramble after all.

All names mentioned have been changed.

So i had a long chat with my friend Sid. She and i discussed what pretty much came into sharp relief via the comments on entry 13, that being a pesky little demon called External Validation (not that i believe in literal, actual demons. It’s a Northern Exposure reference. Remember that show? Anyway…)

She asked me how i feel about exhibitionism. To be honest (which is my MO)…

I love it.

I mean, it’s exhilarating. I’d love to be able to get away with half the stuff i read about. If i could get away with wearing as little as possible all the time, i’d totally push all boundaries. Especially when hanging with friends and at parties and stuff (with the appropriate company, natch). One such friend and her guy are all about sarongs, if anything, when they’re just hanging out at home and I’m tempted, next time i go over to see her, to just say “no need to get dressed on my account” and see what happens. They might just chuckle about it, but you never know. They’re pretty open people.

Thinking more about it, it’s more about nudity than anything else. Lord knows i like getting it on outside, but that’s not as simple as just taking clothes off. My wife and i had some great sex in places where we could have been seen, but in neither case was the fact that we could be seen the driving factor behind the activity, at least not for her (i don’t think). My wife and i have never utilized our balcony sexually. *I’ve* masturbated out there numerous times, because i like the feel of the open air, but it’s pretty private. Naturally, the adrenaline pumps if i think i might have been seen, but it’s not so much of a turn on (though i will miss our balcony when we move).

Another friend of mine, Lee, and I were talking about about exhibitionism a lot, earlier this year; about why being naked in public/visible places works for us. Nudity is really what does it for me. Mine or someone else’s. Not sure why. I think i like the freedom that it implies, and maybe that whole thought process is because of my restrictive upbringing, but that’s my default scapegoat.

I dunno. I just like bodies. More than anything else, i like watching bodies move. But also, and this is something i’ve probably mentioned before, i like the bodies of people i know. I don’t know someone, i honestly don’t find them as attractive. If i don’t have any kind of connection, they’re JUST bodies, and that has less appeal. Conversely, if i don’t like someone, like if they pissed me off irredeemably, i can’t even look at them objectively so say if they’re pretty or sexy by anything other than conventional standards. Not long ago there were a few MAWs (Adam Warren reference) i was like “wow” about until they said some things that just turned me right off. Now i look at them and i’m like “meh.”

Back on topic, i wonder if my own exhibitionism stems from that whole external validation thing. Because now that i think about it… all thru highschool and most of my 20s, people rarely actually said anything positive about how i looked. My parents did, but they’re parents. My mother would always say “you look so handsome” but i never heard that or anything like it from anyone else. So then in college (a few months after i started training in martial arts in earnest), suddenly people noticed me coming out of the bathroom and stuff like that, and i was like “…really?” Then i got bought in the freshman slave auction and me and two other guys performed stripteases for a party that the one gay guy on floor threw for the girls. I was, much to my own surprise, very ok with that.

After college the first time nothing really happened till i started modeling and that was a big deal for me. Thinking about that now, too… one reason i like a lot of those pictures was because i was working with the same photographer most of the time. So there’s that connection thing again (from this and previous entries). Same reasons, too. I knew she wasn’t going to be judgmental about anything. She was always down for whatever.

That was freeing.

Hmm… i wonder now, what i’ve done that HASN’T been for someone else’s approval or some such. Drawing/animation, certainly. That requires an audience to make any money off of it, but it’s definintely something i do because i really love it. Martial arts, definitely… in fact i think i do that in spite of other people sometimes. Those both are the things i am happiest doing. that’s been the case since i was 21. So that’s a start.

I remember the first nude i ever drew. I showed it to my mom to find out what she thought. I remember her saying that it was a “beautiful body” but then there was something else about it… i don’t remeber if she said something about the nudity or not, like “why does she have to be naked” or whatever. I don’t remember… But i do remember keeping anything else of that nature from her, so i wonder if maybe she said something that was negative, or that i took to be negative. I remember her being very negative about my modeling nude (see entry 5) for awhile, anyway. Later on, she just didn’t say anything.

Damn now this has me thinking… what if this all has to do with me wanting approval from my mother?

That sounds terribly cliche.

But i guess i can’t rule it out.


August 4, 2010

OK, so here’s something.

I want to know what people think. I get pretty much no comments here, and part of that is because not many people know that this blog even exists. I do want to use this as a safe and relatively anonymous space, but i also want to use this to actually have a conversation about what i post. I’m trying to figure all of these things out in my head, and the more input i have from sources that are NOT my own head, the better.

I don’t know if this is the reason i’ve been craving intimacy with other people or what, but when it comes to the things in my head that i try to express, i don’t get any input from my wife. I really WOULD like input from her, but she seems disinterested. Like, when i draw something sexual, or have a photoshoot with a model that pushes my limits a bit more (which i’m glad for), or when i’m interested in someone, or if want to try cliff diving into a pit full of razor blades, she doesn’t ever have anything to say. I’m not looking for technical advice or expertise (she has none about any of these things). I don’t need her to agree with me, or approve, or anything like that. I just want to know her opinion.

I want to know if she thinks i’m on the right track, or if i should give up this crazy quest, or if i should stop drawing boobs so big, or if a depiction of a blowjob is unrealistic. I want to know if she found a dress i might like, or a good website to pick up a thong. I want to know if she thinks i shouldn’t shave my entire body. I want to know if she thinks i should try to get into an erotic art gallery. I want to know whatever it is that comes to mind when she hears or reads what’s been on my mind. I do the same for her (in fact she might want me to stop since i talk so much), so i don’t think it’s too much to ask.

To be fair, i do get input from her. It’s not usually about what’s going on in my head, it’s mostly about how other people treat me, and if she thinks they’re big jerks or whatever. I love her for that and i appreciate it, because we all need that kind of support. But where i feel support is lacking in this department. I’m putting really intimate stuff out there into the digital universe, and part of the point of it is that i don’t always think of these things when we’re together, because we’re always dealing with life, or the baby, or money, or the baby, or dinner, or the baby, or work, or the baby. Or the baby.

So i have to have a place to vent these feelings and frustrations because we don’t talk about them anywhere near enough. We definitely don’t talk about them as much as we used to, and i miss that, because i feel like she really understood me. I think she’d still understand me, but i don’t get the affirmation of said understanding because we never talk about any of it. Most of what we talk about is social justice, which is great because it’s something that we’re both passionate about, but after that we don’t get into what we both are thinking about, about OURSELVES, or about EACH OTHER.

She has a blog as well. I don’t usually comment on it, because i see her at home and she’ll usually bring it up and we’ll talk about it one way or another.

Also, what i’ve been typing about is really new for me. I’m thinking and feeling and expressing all kinds of things i haven’t DARED express in the past. I’m almost 35 and i’m just now dealing with so many things i feel like i should have dealt with 15 years ago. So i need support and input, and it kinda sucks that i’m not getting it from the person i feel like i need it from the most. Deep down i KNOW she supports me, but when she has nothing to say, i feel… well, poopy. 😦


August 3, 2010

I had such a great weekend, but now I feel all disjointed. I’ve got a lot in my head right now and I’ve been having trouble getting it all out in any kind of coherent way

I need to get myself some new thongs and maybe a dress. Something slinky. No stockings or shoes, though. I hate those. I also need a new epilator because I’ve been way too hairy for a while now.

I haven’t modeled in four or five years. I feel like I want to again. If for nothing else than to feel sexy and have something to show for it. Would definitely have to be a female photographer; I don’t feel like a guy would have the right aesthetic in mind.

I also want to hook up with my black belt brunette friend from over the weekend because she’s athletic, hot and creative. I wonder if she’d let me shoot with her. I want to fuck her too (I’m really horny lately, so fucking is on my mind when I think about almost anyone). But at the very least we’ll be able to train together. In some ways that’s almost as good (if you’re a martial artist you understand), but to me it’s like really physically intense foreplay when it’s someone I’m attracted to.

So we’ll see. Vacation is coming up, so maybe the rest and relaxation will help me collect my thoughts. I’ve actually got a lot going on in the next three weeks. After that I’ll be able to think about things more.

11 (short and sweet)

August 1, 2010

Got to reconnect with old friends this past weekend, as well as make some new ones. Been a while since i’ve met new people, so that was very cool.

Didn’t meet up with my OkC nerds… oh well.

One of the old friends in question is a little badass 3rd degree TKD black belt. I say little because compared to me she’s TINY (weighs a solid 80 pounds less than me), and had even lost weight since the last time i’d seen her, by way of the training for her 3rd degree test. She lost a bit of her ass, but i think i can live with it….

Anyway, fun times! Fuller post coming later.