10

July 29, 2010

I’m thinking of becoming an asshole.

I only say this because i think i’ve been too nice for way too long. I’m always worried about offending people or making them angry. As a result, i’ve held back so many things i’ve really wanted to say to SO many people. Even my wife. Not sure i want to go so far as to be an asshole to her, but everybody else…

I’ve always striven to be diplomatic. To be reasonable. To be polite. To be a gentleman. To be professional. In most cases this has served me well, but in certain areas of life i really wish i could have just unloaded on some people. Friends, would-be friends, acquaintances, family members… i can’t think of a single person on whom i haven’t wanted to let fly with SOMETHING that i’ve held back. Some people i’ve held back a lot. That letter to my mother from a few posts back was a long time in coming. I did actually send it to her, by the way. She took it about as well as can be expected.

My non-assholishness has been… less than helpful in other areas and i can’t help but wonder if, in those cases i simply conflated politeness with timidity. I can think of many people who deserved a punch in the face (mostly in high school) and instead i just walked away because it was what i was told was the right thing to do, no matter what they did to me. I’d like to go back and start some fights, to be perfectly honest. Show people not to fuck with me. In other cases, i just wish i’d shouted people down and gotten them to shut the hell up (especially recently).

Yet other times my non-assholishness/timidity has kept me from being up front about my amorous intentions towards people. Far too many times, i dare say. I really don’t feel like saying anything else about that, now that i think about it. That particular set of regrets feels particularly bad, now that i dredge it up.

Ugh. Maybe later.

Anyway, point is, i think i want to be less nice. It hasn’t really gotten me any farther ahead in life, shrinking from other people because i think i MIGHT offend. I’m really getting to the point where i’ve lost patience with more people than i care to admit.

9

July 26, 2010

For a minute there, I thought I was doing ok.

Job was ok, got paid, bought some new shoes. Then I got a letter in the mail, turning me down for a job I wanted to start in the fall. Kinda made the rest of my weekend suck.

Since I got the letter, I’ve been unable to draw, I’ve been upset, I woke up from a dream at 5am where some very elaborately costumed women basically quoted the letter to me, telling me that I was rejected. Now it’s after one in the morning, I’m still awake, I have to be up at 5 so we can get ready for everything on time tomorrow, and I just feel like shit, emotionally.

Normally at a time like this, i’d be on a computer, chatting with whoever I happened to find. We don’t have Internet at home, so I’m on my phone (posting this with my thumb), and I have no one to talk to. So, this sucks.

We had plans for the money I’d have been getting from that job. Plans for school, and debt repayment. Now I have to find some shitty dead-end job just to make sure that we’ll be ok. Just to make sure that we won’t fall further behind. The job I have now is ending at the end of this week. While I’ll be glad for the free time sobi can finish art projects, I’ll also have to be spending a lot of that time looking for work, since these art projects don’t pay, or won’t for a while, if ever.

Something that’s been really bugging me lately, is people saying that I need to have a more positive attitude and it’ll lead to more positive results. REALLY? Wow, I never thought of that.

Except that it’s bullshit.

If positive thinking actually had an effect on tangible reality, then we’d all be rich and comfortable, and the fat content in deep fried food wouldn’t lead to heart problems. And pregnant women wouldn’t miscarry, and hell, there wouldn’t be any unwanted pregnancies for that matter, because we could just THINK them all away. Fuck that noise. If I could think myself into a job, do you think I’d have even gone for the job I just that just rejected me? No, I’d be directing my animated series for ten grand a week. AFTER taxes.

I already know all of the silver linings to my situation. Now o gave time to do art, and be with my daughter, and get things packed up for the vacation and the move. Those are all fine and good, and I’m glad for them. But none of that positive thinking changes the fact that I still have to find a job of some kind.

In other news, I’d actually established contact with a couple of women on OkCupid. Was even emailing back and forth for acfew data when I was suddenly met with radio silence from both. I don’t get that. In both cases we were having a conversation, and then both just dropped off. Considering that we were talking about geek stuff in both cases, I don’t think i said anything wrong. Feh.

I’d really like to have a life again. One where I don’t feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. I really don’t know how/when that’s going to happen at this rate. You never know; something might work out with the art thing; that world is just so subjective and weird, you really can never tell when things will shift dramatically. But I can’t afford to depend on it.

8 (hot people who suck)

July 22, 2010

I’m attracted to a lot of people who suck.

Or at least, i was, until i found out the depth of their suckitude.

You’d think i’d be used to it by now. You’d think that, after so many years of being attracted to people, i’d be really jaded. You’d think i’d be just WAITING to find out the ways in which they suck. But alas, i am forever an optimist, and i’m not always very cautious in my optimism.

I’d say that this all started with my last girlfriend, before i met my wife. She had a lot of issues. For a while i dealt with, or looked away from, or danced around and generally avoided those issues, because i didn’t want to deal with them. I knew that said issues were going to be an obstacle in our relationship. Her weight was a big issue. I didn’t have a problem with the fact that she was overweight. I had a problem that she’d complain about the fact that she was overweight, and then not ever even try to do anything about it. I had a problem with the fact that she wouldn’t seek any kind of professional counseling about the psychological issues and self image issues she had because of her weight. She wouldn’t even read a self help book. She wouldn’t TRY to do anything about herself, even though she’d complain and complain. I would dutifully commiserate, and placate, and reassure, and attempt to futilely advise her whenever it came up, but nothing ever changed. There was nothing wrong with her, health-wise. She was fully physically capable of changing her body if she wanted to, but she constantly projected her shame onto others. She wouldn’t eat healthy food because she thought that other people would assume that she was only eating healthily because she was trying to lose weight. She wouldn’t exercise because she assumed that other people would think that she was only exercising to lose weight. She would prevent herself from orgasming because, even though *I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM,* she was afraid she would look silly or awkward, or otherwise somehow “not sexy” because of her weight.

Eventually a whole separate set of issues came up and i broke up with her. I can’t even think back fondly on that relationship because of all the suck.

Since then, a whole host of individuals, whom i have since met/come in contact with/found on the internet and thought were hot, have turned out to suck. To the point where i can’t even look at their pictures without my penis shrinking. Racists, climate change deniers, homophobes, liars… a LOT of liars. I REALLY can’t stand liars. And then of course some of them have just been terrible bitches.

Some of these people have been MAWs (model-actress-whatevers; h/t to Adam Warren for that term) that i’ve met in person, or seen on the internet, and they had a look that really turned me on, but then i read their profiles or something they’d written that just wrecked my image of them forever. I can’t divorce any media i ever encounter of them from the suck that i discovered about them. If i was once turned on by what i saw, that ceases because it’s tainted by “teh suck.”

Some of these people have been friends who i was also attracted to. In some cases, very blatantly sexually attracted to from the very first second. Then only later on did i discover the suck that lay within, either thru my own interactions with them or someone else’s. In the two cases that come to mind where sexual attraction was early on, both people turned out to be liars. The first case is no longer really a part of my life. The second was someone who i was really trying to get with on a more than just friendly basis, but that’s been shot to hell now. I can’t begin to explain how much of a disappointment that is.

For a long time i’ve felt like i can’t really trust anyone. There’s always been this lingering thought in the back of my head that people are going to turn their backs on me or fuck me over in some kind of way. I try not to think about it, as most of the time i’m completely wrong. But sometimes shit comes out that kinda wrecks things. I dunno, maybe i just shouldn’t expect so much out of people.

Really didn’t expect to be adding certain people to my “hot people who suck” list.

7

July 19, 2010

OK, so i was in the process of writing about porn and what i like to see in porn, but i don’t feel like my thoughts were coming together very well. It should be whatever; i mean it’s my blog and i use this to vent about whatever i happen to be thinking about (which is, honestly, sex a lot of the time if i’m writing about it here) but i do like things to sound good when i write them, and that post wasn’t very literary. So i’m saving it for later, when i have a little bit more energy and i feel like i can put my thoughts into words more coherently.

In the meantime, i’ll leave you with a compilations of posts on the subject of friendly nudity, that i wrote for a different online venue.

I dunno if it’s a curiosity thing, or just part of my personality or what, but at least lately, i’ve been wanting to see every single one of my female friends naked.

I dunno if this is just one of those “eh, you’re a guy! of course you do!” things. Maybe it’s a matter of familiarity that makes the idea of seeing my friends naked that’s particularly appealing. It seems to have come on REALLY strongly in the last few months. Like if every woman reading this sent me a naked picture of herself right now, i’d be happy (not that such a thing would be too far-fetched on [the site where this was originally posted], of course…). But that would only last for like a day, cuz then i’d just want more.

New voyeuristic urge? I dunno. But my brain is saying “naked = good.”

I’ve also been lacking in the cuddle department. Mostly, this has to do with the fact that mine and my wife’s work schedules are pretty much opposite. We rarely have time with each other during the week, and when we do, we’re always doing something. Time just to ourselves is so rare (and especially now that we have a child), and being the touch sensitive person that i am, part of me really NEEDS the physical time together that’s NOT sex (whether before or after sex is immaterial; i prefer both).

This is totally NOT new. My brain has always said “naked cuddle time = good.”

If there was any way to combine the former (naked friends) with the latter (naked cuddle time), that would be awesome. Currently i’m not seeing how, but that would definitely rock.

To me, seeing someone you know naked is much different than seeing a stranger naked. It’s not just a body, anymore. I could draw any old figure model till i run out of lead and i’d never really feel a thing, but if one of my friends were to model for me (again, in some cases) it would be COMPLETELY different. There’d the be element of “just another job” for some of it, but for the most part i’d really feel more. Maybe a kind of connection to the person in question? Like it’s really *that person* i’m capturing on paper, and not just a collection of lines to represent an object.

Same with my wife, naturally. No matter how many times i see her naked, i’m always kinda phased by it, and it’s because she’s not just some random naked body, she’s MY WIFE. The nudity of someone i have such a deep connection with is sure to be much more important and emotional to me than a stranger.

So as far as why i want to see all of my lady-friends naked… i’m still not sure. I know that it goes beyond base sexual interest, but i’m not sure how far. I know that it’s because i have a kind of connection, but i’m not sure what that means and why/how nudity would affect it.

So i’m not sure why i want it. I think now that it’s definitely not a new thing, but since i’m actually “allowed” to let my mind process it now, i’m still kinda stuck as to why it’s there.

There’s one friend in particular, a co-worker at [where i used to work], who i’m very interested in seeing. She’s fun to hang around, we get along well, she’s a bit of a party animal. I’d say that i’m sexually attracted to her, but i couldn’t really see us being fuck buddies. Like, if one thing led to another, then fine, but i don’t know if it’s something i’d actively pursue. She’s modeled for me one time in her underwear (for a drawing she wanted for her birthday), and we took a few extra shots just for fun. Turns out that due to her dance background, she’s a damned good model. I’d like for her to model for me again, but i’d have no reason to ask her to do so beyond wanting to look at her body. While i suppose that might be flattering, i doubt that would be enough of a reason to convince her, and i certainly don’t want to be any less than straightforward.

There are friends of mine whom i’d want to see more “urgently” than others; the reasoning, such as i can figure it out, seems to fall on a scale that measures familiarity and closeness as a friend against what we could refer to as “industry standard” hotness. I’ve found that the closer i am to a person, the less looks matter, but of course that’s not unusual. What i think might be, simply because it bucks the pattern, is the number of people on my list whom i have only a cursory relationship with, but who just push my buttons anyway. Maybe that’s not so unusual either; i mean sometimes there are people you meet once or twice and they just make you go “oooooohhh yeah (chik-chikaahh).”

Funny thing is, i could pursue these things. I’m mostly worried about the women in question being weirded out by the fact that i’m married. I have a feeling that simply saying “oh no, my wife and i are open!” would illicit a “yeah right, asshole!” Plus i’m just afraid of rejection outright. We’ve been addressing my insecurities lately, and that’s been interesting. We’ll see where that goes.

One thing i surmised is that it’s possibly an intimacy issue, and probably a reaction to sexual repression in my upbringing. The feelings i have are not strictly sexual, there’s more to it than that, and it’s something that i feel has always been around one way or another, but it’s never really felt like this, in that it’s come on pretty strongly lately.

It’s not voyeuristic, at least not in the typical way. I don’t want to go to a strip club or anything like that, because such a setting is too impersonal. Naturist and nude beaches/resorts are better in a way, but those environments in my experience tend to be asexual to the point of almost completely denying one sexuality. They actually discourage looking at anyone other than in the face, which is understandable for safety reasons, but it’s really not what i’m trying to achieve, plus it just feels unnatural not to look at people’s bodies, especially naked, so it takes away from the experience.

I could say that what i want is a similar kind of openness to that which i share with my wife, but it goes a little bit beyond that in the way that i like having the freedom to stare, even if we are in a pretty deep conversation. She’s not self-conscious in the least, but she’ll still smack me and say “hey, my eyes are up here!” if we’re talking, she’s topless, and my eyes are wandering. Of course i’m still listening, but dammit i like looking at her. I mean shit, she’s hot as fuck! That’s not something i think i’m ever going to really get over, and i don’t think i should have to.

Anyway, there’s a certain kind of intimacy that comes with nudity, and that’s really what i want. Not strictly sexual, though the erotic tension is fun. Kinda like the photosessions i’ve had (both as model and photographer) but with conversation instead of a camera. I like the feeling of trust that such a situation engenders, and the freedom allows for sexuality and eroticism to be explored, though it may not necessarily be the point.

Honestly this seems impossible. I’m sure i could put up a craigslist ad, but that wouldn’t really work for me because anyone who answered wouldn’t already be my friend, so there would be no personal connection there. Being friends with a person first and foremost is the big deal (this would be a perk). Also if i were to ask any of my friends pointblank: “hey would you take all of your clothes off and sit and talk with me?” i can’t imagine any of them responding very positively.

In the time since i wrote the above entries (two years) very little has changed. I’ve had a few friends model for me and that was pretty cool, but i still feel like i’m missing the intimacy that i talked about, even though my wife and i are plenty intimate. I think that what it is, as i said before, is that i want that same (or similar) intimacy with other people. Maybe i just want to experience a different kind of energy, or a different dynamic by virtue of the fact that it’s a different person. I’m really not sure.

6

July 14, 2010

A dream I had this morning:

My wife and I were at a bar (strip club, maybe?) and were hanging out and flirting is pair of very hot girls with various body mods. After a little while I got pulled onstage (?) and was stripped to my underwear, doused in water, and urged to dance for the oddly mostly female crowd.

I did my best, given the lack of preparedness, and even managed to pull off some acrobatic poledance moves (yes, I do actually know one or two). Then the dream flashed forward to the inside of an SUV, and there, my wife and I were making out, fondling and otherwise getting busy with these would-be alt models. I myself had my hands roaming over taut body of the skinnier of the two, and massaged her small breasts under the thin black tank top she was wore. She moaned into my mouth when I twisted her pierced nipples with my fingers.

Our kiss was deep and our tongues… Ok here’s something interesting. I really don’t know what would be an adequate description of what tongues do when people are making out. I’ve read cliched terms like “our tongues danced,” or very literal descriptions like “our tongues thrust into each others’ mouths,” but I don’t feel like either one does the actual experience of a good long deep kiss or sustained make-out justice. Oh well. So we made out a lot and it was awesome. I turned her back to me and started to kiss her neck and back. While one hand lingered on a pierced nipple, she guided the other down into her lime green boyshorts.

And there’s about where the dream ended, because right as I got her shorts down, I think my alarm went off. I remember her being clean shaven, which is just how I like it (after all, it is my dream). I suppose it’s just as well that the dream ended there, because I really hate just about every word for “pussy.” I don’t even like that one. “Cunt” isn’t bad, but it carries a lot of negative connotations. “Vagina” and “vulva” are both too clinical, and the former isn’t really accurate when it comes to what you can actually see most of the time. “Nether lips” sounds like you’re dancing around the issue. I dunno. Anyway, I’m kinda glad I don’t have to describe it.

Would love to actually meet either of the girls from the dream (because they both do actually exist; I’ve seen pictures, cuz they both are alt models IRL). Ah well.

Good dream. Wish it could have gone longer.

Ok, i feel the need to clarify a few things. Maybe not clarify, but elaborate.

When we were talking yesterday about the Oscar Grant case, and you went off on me about “living in fear” etc etc, i have to say that you were really off base about some things. In fact, most things.

Yes, my wife and i both were getting emotional about the case, because as black people, we deal with racism all the time. This is, as you know, something i’m only in the last few years REALLY becoming aware of, and it’s being brought into sharp relief thanks to many issues, including the reaction to Obama’s presidency by the conservative base (and conservative politicians decrying EVERYTHING he does), along with things i’ve been reading in an attempt to make myself more aware.

As i said yesterday, you raised me to be and i grew up being a very trusting, polite, soft spoken individual, who always respects authority and people in general, operating under the assumption that doing these things would warrant the same respect out of them, and largely that has been true. But i also grew up with a lot of privileges that many black kids didn’t have, including yourself, dad, and pretty much all of the rest of our family, as you were quick to note. I was also in school with, and hung out with, and rode around with a lot of privileged white kids, with further divorced me from the realities of everyday black people. That part’s more about who i chose to be with due to my interests, but still, that’s what happened. So i didn’t have the same experiences that a fair majority of black people in the country have had. I’m glad and grateful for that, but on the other hand it means that for a long time, relating to other black people has been a source of consternation, and often, alienation for me. You say that you tried to get me to relate to other black people, or to read about black experiences, but i honestly don’t remember a single time, after a particular storybook you read to me when i was little, when you suggested that i read any of the (many i now realize) books you had about racism and black people’s collective experience in this country. As i said yesterday, i had no idea who Emmet Louis Till was until a few months ago. And case and the issues surrounding it are pretty damned important.

So now that i’m actually starting to read up on these things, and understand more about our contemporary history, and learn more about the positive and negative aspects of it, i hope you can understand why i might be a bit upset when cases like Oscar Grant come up.

I know you’re concerned that i might be getting too upset or too emotional about a case that took place on the other side of the country, but the fact is that it really could take place anywhere. Like i said last night, no matter how i behave, there’s no way for me to tell how other people are going to behave. Like Schroedinger’s Cat, i have no evidence either way to tell me that a cop is villainous or virtuous (and thus all cops are simultaneous both and neither). I know how to deal with people, but that’s no guarantee they do. So i have to think about that, and that’s not something i was ever really taught growing up. So, now, when i hear about case like Oscar Grant, and it’s brought to bear once again that at it’s worst, racism kills people, if i get sad or mopey or if i vent while i’m processing my emotions over what that means for me and my family that doesn’t mean that i’m becoming obsessed.

ALSO, it doesn’t mean that i’m taking on my wife’s fear/anxiety (not that she is consumed by either) just because we talk about these things and deal with our emotions together. And you shouldn’t talk about being fearful, especially when it was you who feared and said flat out that i would “get gang raped when i got off the bus” in NYC, because i was going there to model nude. What basis did you have for that assumption besides paranoia on your part?

I’ve long suspected that you and, by extension, Dad have this fear that she’s been some kind of corrupting force in my life. I suppose from a Christian perspective that might be true, but since i don’t look at things from that perspective anymore, i can’t say that such a thing is true for me. Also, looking at the last six years of my life, my perspective about life and issues in this country have been changing steadily and dramatically anyway, so there’s no way to say for certain that my wife had anything to do with how i’ve changed. Naturally, since we got married, there have been many things that we two have discussed when it comes to racial, gender and sexual politics that have changed how i view things, if for no other reason than the fact that i have someone else’s point of view on it. But since i’d been looking up many of these same things anyway, I was already moving in that direction.

You’ve been saying to consider my sources and make sure i get the whole picture, as if to imply that i, or we, don’t normally do that. I know that my wife was raised in a fearful environment, but she’s her own person, with her own reactions to how she was raised, and she is DEFINITELY not her mother, so your implication that we wouldn’t let our daughter or any of our other children play outside is an overreaction on your part, and assumes an overreaction from us, which could not be further from the truth. You also explicitly said that “one of us needs to be balanced in that house,” as though either of us is unbalanced. You said the same thing when my daughter was born, and i was sent home instead of being allowed to stay with her and my wife in the hospital that extra day. I cried when i went back the next day and held my newborn daughter again, and when we talked on the phone, you said that i was being too emotional. Over my own child? Seriously? You seem to think that a man showing that kind of emotion is… what? Feminizing? Emasculating? I don’t understand.

I am turning 35 this year. Whether you think i act like it or not, i am a man, capable of thinking and acting on my own. I can always improve, but honestly i’m finding these implications from you to be condescending. I understand that you’re concerned, but i really think you need to get off my back about what goes on in my head. If i bring something up to you in conversation, it’s because it’s what i’m thinking right then. I remember quite clearly your advice not to “let something become a god” to me. Do i have a history of doing anything like that? Or were they just phases i was going thru like any other person as i grew up? I’m inclined to believe the latter, and since i am still growing as a human being, i feel that this current focus on racial politics and history is not anything for you to freak out about like it sounds like you are.

So… stop it.

4

July 10, 2010

So, about the title of this blog.

It stems from a few different places. I first heard the term “Emotional Exhibitionism” only a few weeks ago, in reference to how it seems that, thanks to the advent of livejournals, blogs, and facebook and twitter status updates, everyone under the sun is telling the world how they feel about whatever they happen to be talking about. I don’t recall if the person to whom i attribute the term believes that such a thing is good or bad.

I personally think that it’s good. At least for me, its therapeutic. Only three people in my real life (my wife and two friends) have been told, by me, that this blog exists. I’m reluctant to add anyone else from my real life to that list. Maybe like two other people. Point is, aside from them, i’m posting all of this personal information about myself, airing what some would call my dirty laundry to the world largely anonymously. I’ll never post pictures of my face. I’ll most likely never post pictures of anyone i know, not even those friend of mine who model for me (even if they do get as erotic as i might like). The most anyone will be able to use to identify me will be erotic art i post here, and even then, they’ll have to recognize/extrapolate my art style from the styles of MILLIONS of people on the net. The chances of that are pretty slim.

So hopefully (unlike other places on the web that to me have been usurped), this will remain a safe space for me to put these things out there.

3

July 9, 2010

There are a lot of erotic images in my head that I feel I need to get out. I normally do that on paper via drawing. Something I’ve noticed about myself, though, is that even though these images are only about what I want to see or do, and shouldn’t have anything to do with what anyone else thinks, I find myself looking for approval or affirmation that what I put on paper is acceptable.

It’s not about drawing skill. I’m well trained and well practiced. The content itself is what I’m concerned that others approve of. When I do find the boldness to actually put a truly erotic image on paper, that itself is an exercise in self acceptance, so it’s already a big step for me. Showing that drawing to someone else is always another matter altogether, because in my mind, that entails telling another person “This is something that I want. I’m sharing it with you because I want you to tell me that wanting this is ok.”

Of course, this is why I share it with VERY few people. I fear the reaction. What I HOPE for, isn’t terribly much. Just a “that’s hot!” or a “hey, that looks pretty cool” if commenting on the technical aspects of the drawing and not the content. What I’ve most often gotten is neither. The people from whom I expect revulsion don’t see anything. Those from whom I expect acceptance, have only shown indifference. My wife, chief among them. This in particular I find disconcerting.

My wife, when it comes to things sexual, is generally accepting of just about anything anyone else wants to do with another consenting adult, or depictions thereof. So, when I drew a picture of a couple that looked a bit like the two of us, lounging on a couch naked watching tv while the woman idly went down on the man (both of their eyes on the tv, not each other) I thought she would at least find it amusing. To me, such an image is pretty durn awesome (duh, I drew it) and is something that I would love to have actually happen. It indicates a kind of connection between the two subjects, and also a very relaxed openness. I suppose I think of it as a more fun type of cuddling (note to self, try to depict a similar situation where the guy is going down on the girl). But my wife was like “meh,” essentially. Part of that came from not being an artist herself, so she’s not one to try and judge a piece on artistic merit. She wasn’t shocked in the least, but it also isn’t something she personally finds arousing. So, my two fairly low aforementioned standards for “crit” were pretty much out the window there. To top it all off is her indifference toward porn (and the fact that I have a fair amount of it on my computer) in general. So, given this, I suppose that I should have expected her reaction to be “meh.”

But I didn’t. And i felt hurt by it. I think it was because that indifference wasn’t a default kind of acceptance. It felt more like a “well, that’s fine for you, but I’m not interested,” and to me that felt like a passive rejection. Which in the end, is rejection.

Which sucks.

It’s similar with my photographic endeavors. Now, I’m not as hardcore about this, since I don’t take pictures anywhere near as much as I draw. But the principle applies the same way if a friend of mine has agreed to model for nude for me (btw, I ONLY shoot nudes with people I know and to whom I have a prior connection), but certain things are off limits. It’s less of a rejection in this case and doesn’t bother me as much because these kinds of details are typically worked out well in advance of the shoot, so I’ve already mentally dealt with the fact that we won’t be going as far as I might like. Also, since they’re so directly involved with the final result, as opposed to a drawing were I truly control EVERYTHING, it’s easier for me to just be like “ok.” With photography, the model has to feel free enough to share herself with me, as opposed to art where i’m doing the sharing. So, if she’s not comfortable going as far as I might want, I just have to accept it, and I’m fine with that. I’d really like to have a photoshoot where the model and I connect so well that absolutely nothing is off limits and where I truly feel free to suggest ANY pose as freely as I might write about it.

But then, there’s another issue. I’m so afraid to say things, even to myself. So how would I suggest a more erotic or exposed pose to a model if I can’t say the words? Or if I can’t say the words without stammering or giggling? I feel like I need to do that dirty talk exercise where I write down the things I want to say, then read them to myself silently, then whispered, then out loud.

I might try that, actually. Might help me get over myself a bit.

2

July 7, 2010

I think about sex a LOT.

That’s probably not a terribly surprising thing. I guess the reason that I would even remark on it is the fact that I was raised christian, and was thus taught/told that thinking about sex was sinful, unless it was about sex with my wife. Otherwise it was “adultry of the mind,” which, in the fundamentalist Christian belief system, was just as bad as ACTUALLY having sex outside of marriage. Of course, I wasn’t married then, so any thoughts about sex were considered just as bad as actual fucking.

Because, y’know, fucking is evil.

I guess I can sorta understand why my parents wanted me taught this way; better to not have sex ever, than to end up dead of AIDS or something. I don’t really mind the idea of abstinence. Nobody should have sex if they don’t feel like they’re ready. But the lack of actual sexual education, which seems inherent to such a belief system, is what was si galling. Constant cautionary tales about various forms of birth control failure, emotional turmoil, unfulfilling lives due to never finding that special someone (because somehow fucking karmically disqualifies a person from marriage?), and whatever you do, DON’T BE GAY, because that makes you Satan incarnate.

It just all seemed so unbalanced. So focused on being “holy” that it was just unrealistic. So naturally there were tons of teen mothers, because that just seems to be a matter of course with abstinence-only education. Also, I masturbated very often; I was on a one-orgasm-a-day regimen for YEARS. Good thing I went to a private school with a secular humanist for a headmaster, and got some actual comprehensive sex-ed to balance it out. Still didn’t have sex till I was 30, but whatever.

I always wonder about how different my life would have been if I’d felt like I was allowed to have sex. I can think of a lot of women I TOTALLY would have fucked if that were the case, from highschool till now. I’m sure that some of the sex wouldn’t have been that great, but I really do find myself regretting not having the experience. On the other hand, since I was trying to save myself, I felt like it was really important not to disappoint my future wife. Since I’d also heard horror stories of premature ejaculations, impotence, and of course inability to make the woman come, I read a LOT of books. I was probably more sexually knowledgable than most of my peers. They’d just had the field experience where I’d only read the manual(s).

Once I finally did have sex, I found out that it wasn’t all magic and rainbows and unicorns and leprechauns. Not that it wasn’t really cool on a lot of levels, but strictly physically speaking, all I was doing was sticking my dick in something that wasn’t my hand. Ok, that’s oversimplifying quite a bit (it was really more like the last scene in 40-Year-Old-Virgin, bit without the singing), but what I’m getting at is that all the teaching I’d had from a spiritual point of view really told me jack and shit about what to actually expect. Since that first time, the sex has only gotten better (especially since it’s been with the same person, and we’re really in tune with each other), but I do wish I could have, or at least could have had, other experiences just so I’d have something to compare to.

As it is, I can only fantasize about other women and the occasional man. And this is how awesome my wife is: she wants me to have other experiences too. I mean, duh, we’re poly, even if we’re not active. I’d ask her to hook me up if it weren’t for the fact that her friends are gay/monogamous/otherwise not interested. Maybe if I can get this job I’m going for, I’ll be able to meet some new people. If nothing else, I’d really enjoy the conversation.

1

July 6, 2010

I’m about ready to give up on OKCupid.

I just feel like i shouldn’t even bother. I contact tons of people but i’ve yet to get a message back. Of course on a site like that, or really any dating type site, the fact that i’m a guy puts me at a disadvantage. I’ve never really had any luck looking for dates anyway. Why would that change now that i’m married, non-monogamous, and up front about it? I mean, really, who’s going to believe me when i say that my wife is completely ok with the fact that i’m looking for dates?

Sure, i can go to a poly meetup and find plenty of people, but that just seems so… planned.

I know it’s not like everything can be all crazy organic all the time, i get that. One has to go where there are people with similar interests. But i feel the same way about this as i did meeting people off another alternative site. I felt like i was just this guy among all these people who are looking for something a lot more interesting (not that i’m not interesting; keep reading and you’ll find out how interesting i am. I’m just not alt/punk/emo/etc interesting).

I know this thought process does nothing for my confidence. I didn’t meet my wife until i went at the world like i had nothing to lose. But i do have things to lose now. I have a wife, i have a daughter. So i don’t feel safe just going out and meeting people because i’m worried about the people i’ll meet. Like, i worry that i could actually meet someone i really like, but they’ll be a psycho, and i’ll lose everything. Conversely i worry that i’ll meet someone who i connect with, but they’ll think i’m some kind of weirdo. Before, it didn’t bother me, because it only affected me, so i could shrug it off. But now i worry about being called an unfit parent, etc etc because i’m non-monogamous and my wife and i both have memberships to a prominent alt/porn site.

I feel like i can’t tell ANYONE, except for a the very few people with whom i have these things in common (and not all of the same things, btw, but most often only one or two of the same things). My family on either side will never know and if we meet someone who becomes a third (which would be awesome) then we have to leave them at home if we want to visit my parents, because though both sides of the family are old school, my side of the family is VERY heavily christian. I feel like i could be excommunicated from my own family, y’know?

I also want to do erotic art/photo/animation. I’ve been an artist for 20 years, i’ve been doing photography off and on for 10, and i’ve been animating for 15. I have the skills, but i feel like even if i have the most deceptive pseudonym ever, i’ll never be able to talk about it with my family. They’re important to me, and my work is important to me. It would be one thing if my wife were uncomfortable with what i want to do, but i feel like aside from that, i can’t choose between my work and my family. As an artist, i HAVE to put my visions out ther in one form or another or i’ll explode. If my family can’t handle that then too bad. Back when i was modeling, my mom freaked out about the idea. My dad was ok with it, actually, but he’s always been way more laid back. plus he’san artist, so he knows the difference. but even so, erotic art/whatever is always going too far with them. And would probably cause some kind of family controversy (they’d try to “love me back to christ”).

As if it’s really any of their business.

A friend of mine (also a model of mine), with whom i was chatting/commiserating about this recently put it very well, in two seperate sentences:

“Our country is not nudity friendly.”

“What it comes down to is that we want the freedom to be who we are without the repercussions of society.”

Yup.