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July 6, 2010

I’m about ready to give up on OKCupid.

I just feel like i shouldn’t even bother. I contact tons of people but i’ve yet to get a message back. Of course on a site like that, or really any dating type site, the fact that i’m a guy puts me at a disadvantage. I’ve never really had any luck looking for dates anyway. Why would that change now that i’m married, non-monogamous, and up front about it? I mean, really, who’s going to believe me when i say that my wife is completely ok with the fact that i’m looking for dates?

Sure, i can go to a poly meetup and find plenty of people, but that just seems so… planned.

I know it’s not like everything can be all crazy organic all the time, i get that. One has to go where there are people with similar interests. But i feel the same way about this as i did meeting people off another alternative site. I felt like i was just this guy among all these people who are looking for something a lot more interesting (not that i’m not interesting; keep reading and you’ll find out how interesting i am. I’m just not alt/punk/emo/etc interesting).

I know this thought process does nothing for my confidence. I didn’t meet my wife until i went at the world like i had nothing to lose. But i do have things to lose now. I have a wife, i have a daughter. So i don’t feel safe just going out and meeting people because i’m worried about the people i’ll meet. Like, i worry that i could actually meet someone i really like, but they’ll be a psycho, and i’ll lose everything. Conversely i worry that i’ll meet someone who i connect with, but they’ll think i’m some kind of weirdo. Before, it didn’t bother me, because it only affected me, so i could shrug it off. But now i worry about being called an unfit parent, etc etc because i’m non-monogamous and my wife and i both have memberships to a prominent alt/porn site.

I feel like i can’t tell ANYONE, except for a the very few people with whom i have these things in common (and not all of the same things, btw, but most often only one or two of the same things). My family on either side will never know and if we meet someone who becomes a third (which would be awesome) then we have to leave them at home if we want to visit my parents, because though both sides of the family are old school, my side of the family is VERY heavily christian. I feel like i could be excommunicated from my own family, y’know?

I also want to do erotic art/photo/animation. I’ve been an artist for 20 years, i’ve been doing photography off and on for 10, and i’ve been animating for 15. I have the skills, but i feel like even if i have the most deceptive pseudonym ever, i’ll never be able to talk about it with my family. They’re important to me, and my work is important to me. It would be one thing if my wife were uncomfortable with what i want to do, but i feel like aside from that, i can’t choose between my work and my family. As an artist, i HAVE to put my visions out ther in one form or another or i’ll explode. If my family can’t handle that then too bad. Back when i was modeling, my mom freaked out about the idea. My dad was ok with it, actually, but he’s always been way more laid back. plus he’san artist, so he knows the difference. but even so, erotic art/whatever is always going too far with them. And would probably cause some kind of family controversy (they’d try to “love me back to christ”).

As if it’s really any of their business.

A friend of mine (also a model of mine), with whom i was chatting/commiserating about this recently put it very well, in two seperate sentences:

“Our country is not nudity friendly.”

“What it comes down to is that we want the freedom to be who we are without the repercussions of society.”

Yup.

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