how is this a thing?

October 23, 2017

So, someone put out a tweet asking why consent violators and rapists are allowed in the scene at all, let alone allowed to come to major events. Hell, they’re usually invited. Was an exasperated, semi-rhetorical tweet (because, WTF, right? Should be a no-brainer), but there are actually lots of reasons.

-compiled from my tweets-

  •  Because the scene makes it easy for them to hide. Scene names and sock puppet Fetlife profiles allow them to be stealthy.
  •  Because the Fetlife TOU doesn’t allow us to name them.
  •  Because they are friends of people who run and promote events.
  •  Because they ARE people who run and promote events.
  •  Because they have knowledge people deem more valuable (rope gods, etc.) than the well-being of the victims.
  •  Because they are privileged and wealthy, and have high prestige and social capital.
  •  Because they sue victims for speaking out, thus sowing fear in others, and silencing them.
  •  Because they are friends with others who are respected, and who defend them.
  •  Because people don’t BELIEVE VICTIMS.
  •  Because people blame victims.
  •  Because people silence victims.
  • Because victims internalize what other people say, and then blame and silence themselves out of fear and/or shame.
  •  Because upholding their reputation in the scene has been deemed to be more important than the well-being of victims.
  •  Because people think that “that’s not my experience with this person” counts as absolution.
  •  Because when people speak up and say “yo, this person has a history of being problematic” they’re beaten down at every turn.

addition, via @GPJones:

  •  “Because we are all products of a patriarchal, racist, misogynistic, unsafe society and that gets replicated in the spaces we create. The scene is a product of as much as a reaction to society.” As my mom would say: SELAH.
  •  Because privileged people want to have their fun sexy permissive utopia, but don’t want to do the work to make it SAFE for people who have less privilege than they do.


July 1, 2016

Fuck rope, fuck rope community, fuck kink fame, fuck rope family, fuck rope religion, fuck rope cults, fuck rope, Fuck Rope, FUCK ROPE.

It’s a tool just like anything else. It only has the meaning you give it. And if you give it THAT much meaning and that meaning isn’t attached to a person, then i have some serious questions.

Maybe i don’t GET IT. Fine. But i’m really fucking tired of rope being treated as this holy grail of kink. Yeah, there’s an art to it, yeah there are a lot of styles, yeah it takes a while to learn how to do safely. Other than the time spent, how is that any different than ANYTHING else?

My mom used to say the greatest thing, and i wish i’d understood the value of it when i was younger: “Don’t let anything become a god to you.” Of course, being Christian, she meant that in the way that only the Christian god should be a god to anyone. But it applies universally; drugs, relationships, money, exercise, alcohol, smoking, religion, sex, kink, you name it. Once it becomes so important to you that you need it above anything else, or you treat it like anything other than just a part of your life that you enjoy in balance with the rest, it’s gone too far.

But of course, humans (especially in this country) are creatures of extremes. Balance (homeostasis) is something we fight constantly because we’re told that if we’re stable an happy in something, we’re not doing enough. If we’re not progressing, we’re stagnating. Etc, etc, ad nauseam. Plus if we’re not doing the “in” thing, or not doing it to a certain level, we’re not “cool.”


I’m just done. The funny thing is that i actually like rope. I like the feel of it. I like the compression of being tied. I like the feeling of immobilization. But this rope community/family bullshit is, frankly, bullshit.


I haven’t used this blog in a really long time, but it’s time to start up again. Lots of things have happened in the two years that i’ve been away from this space, all of it bears talking about, and this is the only place i can do it.

Any other space is, basically, unsafe for me to fully express myself, because i talk about people who don’t want me to talk about them, and then they equate it to posting a naked picture without their consent, which is a ridiculous and extreme comparison. Also, i can post whatever the fuck i want on my own blog because it’s fucking MINE.

There may come a time where someone reads what i have to say about them, and they don’t like it. Well, if you didn’t want me saying something you don’t like, maybe you should have behaved better toward me.



So, i’m back, and we’ll see where this goes.

Sunday morning proved to be less lazy than Saturday. Jenn and i pulled ourselves out of bed and threw some clothes on so that we could attend a very relaxed and informative foot and hand massage class. As expected, she got a lot out of it, both via sensation and education. I fared no differently, as i learned new techniques, refined some of what i knew already, and got to be on the receiving end for a while. Overall, a very nice way to start the morning. This was followed by a spanking class, which was more upbeat and fun, which i attended with my queerfriend Abel. Unfortunately, this class was not as hands-on as either of us had hoped: i really wanted to have Abel as my demo bottom so that i could practice new things on them, but oh well. One fun thing, though, was that i got to demonstrate my very thuddy forearm technique that i’d used on Remy the night before. The instructor, as well as the rest of the class, seemed very impressed by this. It was really gratifying to show something that people hadn’t seen before, but also that i’d come up with it completely on my own, it worked, and people loved it! The demo bottom really liked the sensation as well, so i definitely consider it to be a success and will use it in future impact play sessions.

I had a bit of trepidation about the next play date on my agenda. I’d known Rose for a few years; she was one of the first people i’d met and befriended in the scene, and we got along quite well, but she always seemed kind of out of reach for me as someone to play with, for various reasons. Some of that i believe was a matter of my own personal development, overall shyness, and an inability to be direct, but also there was a fear (completely unfounded, as these things tend to be) that she was “out of my league” in one way or another. One way in which i was fairly certain that we did not connect was on a spiritual level, because at this point i essentially believe in nothing spiritual, and she is a very spiritual individual. But part of the point of our playdate was to expand my horizons a bit, so i was looking forward to things. Mostly i was looking forward to seeing how her spirituality played out in person.

The idea was to have a sexual healing ritual; in her line of spirituality, she’s a priestess of a love goddess, so it seemed right up her alley. When i first came to her with the idea (via the Sexscription), i knew that i didn’t want our playdate to just be sex. Especially since none of the playdates at Winter Fire were simply about what was going on in each scene, but about the other person involved (whether reconnecting, exploring something new, or being emblematic of something in our greater lives), i wanted to try something that might help me break out of my usual line of thinking. A sexual healing ritual with a pagan was certainly way outside of my usual brain space, so that fit pretty well.

In talking about the ritual before the event, i’d had all kinds of questions. I wasn’t sure that things would even work with a skeptic like myself, but i also wanted to make things as open and inviting as possible. What (if anything) should i wear? Are there colors associated with such things? Does the space need to be cleaned a certain way? Do i? I had more questions in my head than i actually ended up asking, but i did ask plenty. Based on the answers, i hade sure to bring a red (symbolizing sexuality and passion) bed sheet to use as a base, and a smaller blue (a color associated with healing) blanket to lay on top of it. My thought was that, since the healing was in the context of sex, having one color surrounded by the other (if in no other way than a design sense) would work best in the context. Anyway, by the time Rose was at my hotel room door, i was still nervous, but i figured i’d done as best i could with what i had.

I was intrigued by how she set up the space (or “cast the circle”). She re-purposed one of the hotel room’s end tables to use as an altar, laying down a decorated tapestry, and placing a bowl full of water on top, with candles around it. They were then lit, and with each, she said a short prayer. As someone who’s never seen anything other than a Christian ritual of any type outside of a fantasy film, this was a fascinating thing to observe. She called this her magic mirror, and to add to the effect, she added glitter to the bowl. To be honest this seemed overly whimsical and a bit silly, but also perfectly in character for her, and as i said, i was trying to keep an open mind.

We started off by giving each other massages (seems to be a popular thing, no?), since we were both tired and a bit sore from previous activities that weekend. It helped us both relax and break the ice a bit. There was so light chit chat, and again, being on he receving end was very nice, but soon it was time to actually *do the thing.* Said thing was, again, not what i expected. It was practically a therapy session with some ritual additions. Se asked me a lot of questions about my life and about what i wanted from it; how things have changed, the person i want to be, and more importantly, the reasons i want to be that person. I was surprised i could answer the questions without getting emotional, because we were touching on some very deep and personal things, some of which i’d never expressed even to my ACTUAL therapist. There was a part of me, as i expressed to her later on, that was hoping she could read my mind, and maybe pull out something i couldn’t actually bring myself to say, but that didn’t happen. Maybe it wasn’t really necessary? I dunno.

We moved from the altar to the bed, with the aforementioned sheet and blanket set up, and the psychological aspect of the scene gave way to the physical. Rose and i both are people who enjoy kissing a GREAT deal, so once the kissing began, it was the primary focus of our interaction for a very long time.

I find it difficult to describe the sex; i don’t want to do it the disservice of merely giving a play-by-play type account, but i also don’t want to muddy it up with flowery language. I’ll simply describe it this way: vigorous, intense, and (a word i don’t use lightly) primal. There’s usually a kind of “feeling your way” with a new partner, but we seemed to sync up pretty well in a lot of ways. I’m going to operate on the assumption that this is due to her sexual confidence and the fact that we’d known each other for a while so generally each knew what the other was about. But also the kissing. Everything else seemed to flow from that.

We took a shower afterward to clean off the sweat, cum and oil, and set about the task of returning the hotel room to looking like an actual hotel room again. Once accomplished, we hugged, kissed again, and said our goodbyes for the moment, and i was left alone in my hotel room to contemplate what had just happened.

Here’s where things actually got more interesting.

Once alone, i was hit with this wave of emotion that i couldn’t really describe, then or now. All i knew was that it was very important that i see Jenn RIGHT THEN. I texted her immediately and very nearly demanded that she come back to the room. Apparently i sounded so urgent that she was afraid i was going to break up with her, but nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is that a lot of emotions had been exposed via the ritual (which means it was, i suppose, successful in its aim), and it wasn’t until afterward that my brain decided to just hit me in the face with them all at once. What transpired once Jenn arrived was a very emotional and heartfelt conversation about our relationship, the potential future at the time and what that would mean for us, and our feelings about it. We both ended up crying, but the end result was, in my mind, a solidification of what our relationship was and how it would be going forward, which was all very good things.

This conversation was, at least symbolically, a precedent for things to come later that night. There was still at least ten hours left at the event, and a lot was about to happen.

(As usual, all names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms to protect the “innocent.”)

Returning to Kraken’s Ball, Jenn and i parted ways to hang with people and prepare for my scene with Felicia, respectively. I found Felicia fresh from a rope scene, so i gave her a bit of a break to recover and i prepared my implements. I’d grown increasingly fond of using drumsticks to beat people; i feel they bring a bit of novelty, because in the scene everyone seems to be into using traditional canes (expensive) or household pervertables (often cheap, but easily replaceable). I figured drumsticks are made for beating things, so they make perfect sense, plus i have experience as a percussionist, so they’re familiar to me.

I looked around for a space to play, and decided on a cage with a good sized floor pad. I’d never played in a cage before, but i liked the idea, because it provided a defined space in which to play, plus a good barrier from people not involved in the scene, so there wouldn’t be any interruptions in that way. Those of you who know me know that i hate being interrupted when i’m working. Aside from these though, there’s the psychological factor of “now you’re locked in here with me and you have no escape” which is kinda fun too.

I laid out all of my tools to clean them in preparation: an array of drumsticks and brushes, two wooden homemade canes and one heavy, metal one. I also cleaned off my batting gloves and tweezers (more on those later). Felicia came into the cage to check things out, and seemed pleased with everything i’d brought to use on her. I explained the feel of each tool, and gauged her reactions: looked like we were going to be sticking mostly with the drumsticks, which was perfectly fine by me. 🙂 I took out my large bottle of water for afterward. When we were both ready i closed the cage door and put my batting gloves on to signal the start.

Explanation: I use batting gloves because they have padded palms. Baseball bats deliver a lot of shock when they slam into a ball, which gets transferred to the hands and can hurt quite a bit. Spanking someone does not deliver quite so much shock, but having ones hands padded does make things easier, plus one can deliver much harder blows without having to worry about one’s hands giving out. It also helps to deal with the shock and potential skin rawness of using implements of various types. I’ve been very pleased with them.

Felicia stood in the middle of the cage as i slowly walked around her, lightly touching her skin with my gloved hand. I lightly massaged her body before roughly grabbing a handful of her hair to guide her to the floor. I laid her on her stomach and began to spank and punch her ass, lightly at first and then harder and harder to listen to her reactions and watch her ass jiggle (because YAY ass jiggling!). I decided that the sensation for this should go from thuddy to stingy, so the first drumsticks i grabbed were the marimba mallets. They have a rubber core, a soft fiber exterior and very springy stems, so i can get a good rhythm with them without much effort. I’ve noticed that i have a lot of fun delivering thuddy pain (almost as much fun as receiving it). Actually i’ve noticed i just like delivering pain in general. Guess i’m a sadomasochist after all. ANYWAY, i varied the sensation by dragging the mallets first, giving a slightly scratchy caress, and then lightly tapping on bony areas and increasing the force as i moved to more fleshy areas (again, YAY ass juggling!). I did the same with my harder, wooden drumsticks and continued the same patterns with my lighting rods. By this point Felicia’s back side, specifically her backside (see what i did thar?) was about done for the evening, and she informed me that she’d like to turn over (my general communication method for scenes is Red/yellow/green, but i also just like direct communication; i’m not likely to want to play with someone who becomes non-verbal unless it’s animal play and/or i know their signals REALLY well).

I should point out here that Felicia has an athletic body and her muscles were quite visible to my eyes. This (along with our previous negotiations) gave me a very good indication of where i could hit safely, but also allowed me some freedom i don’t have normally as far as different areas to hit. For instance, before this scene i’d never hit someone on the arms before and that was a real treat. Continuing with the lightning rods, i started hitting her front side a bit randomly: arms, legs, hips, inner thighs, just whatever came to mind at the time. It was fun because i could tap a few times on a certain area acting as a warm-up, but then hit really hard somewhere else. Plus the lightning rods give a very satisfying “TAK” sound. Along with Felicia’s reactions/noises, i was just having a blast. My fun increased when i started tapping on her bits.

I’m always really careful when play becomes genitally focused, even briefly. I tend to err on the side of “less is more” unless i’m really comfortable with a person and i know what they like or they’re very clearly asking for me to do more. In this case, since it was our first time playing, i stayed fairly light, tapping on Felicia’s bits, using that as a break from rapidly beating her inner thighs. Had a pretty nice sound to it, actually: tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, TAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATA tak, tak, tak… and so on. After this i think i switched to my drum brushes for a moment, just to ease down from the impact a bit; these can be a very pleasurable thing for someone who likes light scratches along with stingy hits, but also it transitions well into knife play.

Now, i don’t trust myself with an actual sharp knife yet. But I’ve found i can deliver very similar sensation with a pair of needle-point tweezers, which I’ve used often. They’re very easy to control, and i feel as though they are a very close extension of my own body, since they don’t even go past an inch away from my fingertips the way that i hold them.

I guided Felicia into my lap, and dragged the simulated knife all along her body tracing patterns and carving light welts all along her torso, from her neck down to her thighs. I followed every contour i could see or think of, along her ribs, down her sternum, on her breasts and nipples, across her abs, along her collarbone, you name it. Soon she was a beautiful tapestry of pale skin contrasted with pink and red lines. It was about this time that the party ended, much to my disappointment. I really wanted to continue for at least another half hour. But alas we had to end the scene. We pleasantly bantered as we cleaned up and drank water, then hugged and said our good-nights.

I definitely had a lot of fun with that scene and from all indication, so did she. Hopefully we’ll be able to play again, and with less of a time constraint.

(As usual, all names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms to protect the “innocent.” All actions depicted herein are consensual, though in at least one instance, it might not sound like it.)

I was feeling interestingly tired after my scene with Remy. On its face it hadn’t been a particularly strenuous bit of action, but i think the combination of lack of sleep, the general activity of the day, and the energy of the scene itself had left me a little drained. Not a position i wanted to be in, because coming up soon was the Kraken’s Ball, wherein i had two scenes planned, one of which was bound to be very strenuous on me, both physically and psychologically.

Sakura and i had been planning a scene for a while; she’d tied me at last year’s winter fire and we both had a great deal of fun. She pushed my flexibility and we made a fun and beautiful bit of rope art (as far as i could tell, i was blindfolded). We’d originally wanted to do something similar, pushing my flexibility even more, but the events of life gave me a different idea. Jenn has often tied me sadistically, and in one session, pushed me to the point of crying, but she’d never gone so far as being *purely* sadistic with a rope scene; it was always “ok, i’m gonna push you a bit, ready?” This time around with Sakura, and since the theme of Kraken’s Lair parties has always had a kind of “go hard or go home” bent to it, i wanted to try something different. I wanted to try and achieve some kind of catharsis thru rope.

Under more typical circumstances, this is something that i would ask Jenn to do, but i had some specifics that i knew Jenn would actually be uncomfortable with. First off, i needed Sakura to be completely sadistic. No art, no beauty, just suffering. Secondly, i didn’t want aftercare, which is highly atypical. But the point of this scene for me was that i needed to be able to take everything that she could dish out, and even be broken by it, but afterwards prove to myself that i had the strength to pull myself back together, completely on my own, and go on. It was emblematic of my life circumstances: the universe is throwing a lot of stuff at me, and i’m really barely holding on, but i had to dig deep and pull myself together to get past it all, because ultimately, the only person i can REALLY rely on is myself.

I was still a bit pent up from my scene with Remy, on top of my fatigue, so i was in an odd headspace as Jenn and i got ready in our room. I was, interestingly, not in a bottom-type headspace at all, which i figured would kind of work for the upcoming rope scene, since i needed to be defiant and all “you can’t defeat me!” But i was also feeling really antsy and toppy as well. To the point where, between our hotel room and the elevator, i stopped Jenn in the hallway, shoved her up against a wall and forcefully kissed her. She fought back, but i pinned her hands over her head with one hand, held her body against the wall with my leg between her thighs, grinding against her as i gripped her throat with my other hand ravaged her mouth with mine for a few smoldering minutes. As suddenly as i’d grabbed her, i released her. Grinning, i said “Ok, now we can go,” and briskly walked toward the elevator.

When we arrived at the Kraken’s ball, I saw Sakura being tied in a suspension by her fiancee, Ken. I figured it might be a while before they were done, and also would take some time for her to recover, so i knew i had at least an hour before our scene could take place. I took the time to look around, check out some of the other scenes that were happening, and to check in with Felicia about our impact play scene which would be taking place later that night. That was also a scene i was very much looking forward to, because i’d seen Felicia play (live and “memorex”) and i knew that it would be one of the few opportunities i’d had, so far, to really lay into someone with my drumsticks, et al. She’s a pretty tough bottom, and through our negotiations i’d gotten really excited. I found her between scenes, checked in to make sure that everything was a go (it was), set it up for later and went to find Sakura, who’d come down from her suspension and was sitting quietly.

Something seemed off when i approached her, and that was confirmed when i lightly tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped as though i’d clapped right next to her ear. Turned out that a bunch of stressors had led to her being in the wrong headspace for our scene, so it wasn’t going to happen this evening. Given where my head was already, this was actually just fine with me. I decided to find Jenn and see what she was up to. Turns out she’d just gotten done with a scene, so the timing was pretty good.

I know that i was still feeling extremely horny from my scene with Remy, and Jenn seemed a bit on edge herself, so after a brief conversation and a quick text to Felix to let them know that the room would be sexually occupied, we decided that we simply HAD to go back up to our hotel room to fuck. This isn’t our usual protocol; normally it’s a more organic flow from cuddles to makeouts to whatever-else-we-feel-like inbetween, to fucking, but this time we were pretty much dead set on fucking and cumming. After hastily returning to our room, we quickly shucked most of our clothes and were rather all over each other. There was a brief interlude, where she stood over me with a foot in my lap and all but ordered me to remove her boot. It was at this point that Felix returned to our room and immediately realized that they were interrupting something. Turns out that they hadn’t seen the text. No matter, as the interruption was brief.

As i said, this wasn’t our usual protocol. We don’t typically have what we refer to as “goal oriented” sex; we don’t fuck for the sake of cumming. Don’t get me wrong, we both love a good orgasm, but sometime that doesn’t happen, and that’s just fine. This time, though cumming was the order of the day. Maybe it was the overall sexual energy of the event. Maybe it was the fact that we’d barely seen each other all day. Maybe we’d both been playing away from each other all day and we just missed each other. Who knows, but we both know what buttons to push to help get each other off, and we were definitely pushing them ALL this time. We both came hard and loud, and collapse onto our bed, panting and giggling.

Normally at this point, it would be cuddle and sleep time, but the night wasn’t over yet, and we had a party to get back to. So we changed into some yet sexier clothing, and headed back downstairs to the Kraken’s ball, reenergized for a little more debaucherous fun.

(As per usual, all names have been changed to Capcom character pseudonyms to protect the “innocent.”)

Having missed out on the Queer Cuddle Party for reasons i might go into later, i’d made a cuddle date with Makoto (the host) so that i’d be able to hang with them in a way that was meaningful, because my weekend was otherwise packed (as you’ve read so far) so if i hadn’t made arrangements, i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t have seen them at all until monday morning. Arriving at their room i as greeted with a big hug as usual, and got my cuddles on. At one point there were about five of us in one bed, including myself, Remy, Felix, Makoto, and my queerfriend Abel. I’m not sure how long this cuddle pile lasted, but i know that we all wanted it to go on longer, because i’m pretty sure we whined in unison when people had to leave. But we all had things to do. Luckily, one of the things i had to do was with Remy, so i wouldn’t be gone for long.

Remy and i had a massage date planned. Normally this would be fun in and of itself but it turns out that he gives head in exchange for massages. I’d never given him a full massage before, and in all of our previous playtime, he’d never gone down on me before, so this prospect was intriguing to me for a lot of reasons. I pulled him from his hotel bed (“great lovers when they’re not sleeping,” indeed) and we set up my massage table in a relatively quiet playroom downstairs.

I should interject here that Remy and i had been having conversations about desire and making our desires known. For various reasons, we both have issues with stating/asking for the things we want sexually, even with partners who are VERY enthusiastic about giving us exactly the things we would ask for if we were brave enough. For me in particular this has to do with my body and skin color; i’m very wary about giving off the perception that i’m some big black bull of a dude who wants to stick my dick in everybody. Even though the people who are close to me say that they don’t think of my that way (Kyosuke thinks of me as an andro pretty thing), it’s very difficult to shake off 30+ years of social programming and learned self-perception, no matter what realizations i come to about my gender. Anyway, when we were negotiating our scene, we decided to set up a system where he would have free reign to ask for whatever he wanted: in exchange for merely the act of asking, he’d get some kind of sexy reward, but then also he’d get the thing(s) he asked for. Pretty win-win.

After setting up, we both stripped down (i kept my orange thong on, because as i mentioned earlier, he likes orange), and i started to massage him. He’s a very touch sensitive sort, so i’ve always enjoyed touching him and listening to his reactions. I managed to elicit some surprised reactions out of him as well; i’d never given him a full massage, so there are some parts of him he’d never had someone touch, in the way i was touching him, particularly, the muscles in his chest. I also got some surprises, myself, via his requests, because i don’t normally massage people’s arms and hands, and also i’m so used to Jenn’s hypersensitive feet that massaging Remy’s presented a unique technical challenge just because of the differences. Despite a bit of overzealous oil usage, i think i did an ok job, though. The massage was basically over, but then Remy had another request: he wanted me to punch his ass.

We’d done an impact play scene before (last year), and it was a lot of fun, but it was pretty varied. I’d used a set of drumsticks/drumming implements i’d acquired, along with spanking/punching. I’ve since used this same combination on a few other people, including but not limited to my queerfriend Abel, during which i managed to find a sweet spot on each ass cheek and punched them to orgasm because of the repeated vibration. Always up for trying to make lightning strike a second time (plus i just really enjoy punching asses), i gleefully obliged him, and started striking his ass in different patterns and rhythms to find just the match for his body.

I seemed to find a pretty good stroke after a while, because he was vocally expressing how good he was feeling. Part of me didn’t care about that in a way, because i was having so much fun watching his butt ripple as i hit it. But i was ALSO glad that he was enjoying himself. To enhance the feeling, he requested (more rewards!) that i insert his glass toy before continuing. I’ve never been one to withhold pleasure from anyone (for too long) so lubed up a gloved hand and teased it into him. I’ve always liked his glass toy; i’d like to try it some time. Once that settled into place, i continued punching his ass, varying it up with full-body shaking hits with my entire forearm.

Right around this point, Abel sat down and was watching us. We were at the point where the “trade” part of the massage cam into play and Remy positioned himself to go down on me, upside down. That would be a first for both of us. I had some slight trepidation about doing this in front of Abel, because they and i had not gone here in our sexual escapades, and i wasn’t sure how they’d feel about it. Everything turned out fine though, and they had nice bit of frubbly voypersion. I certainly was enjoying myself, and Remy made himself orgasm with me in his mouth, which btw, if you’ve never had that happen before, is pretty cool because the vibrations from someone’s voice as they’re cumming feels GREAT on your bits. I’ve only ever orgasmed from oral one time, so i knew that wasn’t on the menu, but i was enjoying his mouth quite a bit, so i lingered there for a little while after he came down from his orgasm. Soon he was done, though, and we were both kind of spent, just from the energy.

My lack of orgasm was, unbeknownst to me, going to bite me in the butt later, in the most delightful way.

(as always, some names but have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms. Others have been changed to pseudonyms of their choosing)

Once i was up and moving (kinda) on saturday morning, i decided to go get myself something to eat from the deli across the street from the hotel. I’d been informed that they had fruit (woohoo!) so i made sure to grab a few apples and oranges. Since we were skipping the classes that morning, i allowed myself to relax when i got back to the room and just hung out in a bra and comfy panties.

There was a lot of anticipation building for my next scene, that had started probably a good eight months prior. Felix and i had somehow gotten on the subject of animal play, specifically, kitten play. At the time i’d joked about the idea of having them as a kitty for a scene, because i’ve had my fair share of actual cats as pets, but the more we talked about it, the more interested i became. Over the course of the next few months, we talked about the possibilities for how the scene could go. By the time the event came around, i was very excited.

Felix came into the room with our mutual play partner, Remy (whom you may have heard me mention in a previous blog), and the three of us chatted for a bit. I hadn’t been able to give Remy his birthday present before this weekend (distance SUUUUUUCKS) so i presented it to him then: an orange bow tie to go with his dog collar. Felix presented him with an orange dog toy as well, and we played on the idea that we TOTALLY planned and coordinated such action (we hadn’t; we just know he likes orange).

After we all got thoroughly distracted by a bunch of stim toys, Remy left to go do… something, and Felix and i got ready for our scene. And here’s where words fall short. I don’t know how many of you out there do animal play or specifically kitten play, but i have to say that i don’t have the words to describe how wonderful and fun this was. It pulled on memories of my own cats, childhood memories of make believe with friends, even more recent memories of games of make believe with my daughter. One of the things that fascinated me was the Felix’s ability to dive so fully into kitten space that they really were acting and reacting like the cats i used to own. That was oddly… comforting? I’m not sure if that’s the right word but i can say that i felt an interesting sense of security in the fact that for this short time, i had my own kitten again, and that they trusted me to take care of them and treat them like my very own, if only for a little while. There was a great deal of playing with the cat toys i bought, including but not limited to confusing the hell out of them via one on a string that they kept hunting down but JUST WOULD NOT DIE. Then there was tuna (great for pets and humans alike) and lots of cuddling, head scritches and belly rubs.

I wasn’t sure how to end the scene exactly, but when we’d come to a cuddly stopping point, i simply said “Ok, i’m done if you are. You can bring yourself out of kitten space when you’re ready.” That seemed to be good enough and i watched with no small amount of fascination as Felix settled, then slowly stretched out their legs and arms, extended their fingers from the paw “stance” they’d been in, took a deep breath and began to speak with words again. We both were elated at how much fun the scene had been and, grinning widely, agreed that well definitely have to do such a scene again.

I feel it should be reiterated that my description above pales in comparison to the actual experience. Sometime i feel like my words do the experience justice; this is DEFINITELY NOT one of those times.

(as always, some names but have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms. Others have been changed to pseudonyms of their choosing)

Maki and i had never played before, and this scene kinda came up at the last minute. We’d only met, at most, a month prior to the event and hadn’t spoken much until just a couple of weeks before. We seemed to connect pretty well, though, so the chemistry felt good for the scene we’d planned. We found a spanking bench and i disrobed (down to a thong and thigh highs) and climbed onto it. The majority of the scene was caning, which, though i’ve had a little bit of self practice, was new to me. Turns out i’m rather a champ at it. I’ve always been a fairly tough bottom; my VERY FIRST scene way back in the day went a lot longer than the people watching thought it would, and if not for certain particularly sensitive areas of mine being stimulated, i probably could have stayed up there a fair amount longer. This scene was with Maki was challenging, but i just let myself relax and breathe, and just take all the pain in. She had like nine million implements, i swear. One of my favorites was a flogger made from a soft synthetic rope with the ends tied off and burned so that they formed these hard knobs on the end.

Maki used a twist on the standard green/yellow/red safeword system, adding the “blue” to the mix, as a way of saying “stay right here at this level, this is just right.” While using the aforementioned flogger, she checked in with me on how i was feeling. I think she hit me about 15-20 times across my ass and upper legs, and then asked for a color. I was in exquisite agony, and breathlessly sighed “Blue.” The scene continued and eventually wound down, and i was a shaky puddle of endorphins, my ass on fire and my eyes lit up like Times Square on Christmas Eve. Maki gently touched me, caressing my body and giving me water, all the while marveling at her work. She came to the front of the bench, fondling my shoulder and looking me in the eyes as i breathed heavily. My brain was yelling “please kiss me” and my mouth soon followed suit. She hungrily obliged me and we made out for what was probably minutes but felt like entirely too short a time.

Once i started coming down from my hormone high, i gingerly removed myself from the bench and she started cleaning and packing up. I could barely walk; every move made my ass and legs cry out in pain as if to say “what the fuck! don’t you know what just happened to us?” Despite their protestation i slowly put my clothes back on and found Jenn in the dungeon, finishing up after some rope time with our friend Vice. Vice and i had a scene planned for the following evening, so i checked in to make sure everything was still a go (it was), and Jenn and i decided it was time to turn in.

We got back to our hotel room and both of us winced and whinged as we took our clothes off to get ready for bed. I could feel how warm my ass still was, and had a strange bit of masochistic fun tensing the muscles in my ass and legs to feel the soreness that would surely be worse in the morning. It was then that i saw Jenn’s back, and the result of Rolento’s handiwork, which was at once impressive and a bit terrifying. Truly a “great and terrible beauty.” She asked me to get pictures of it for posterity, because she’d never been so marked before. I dutifully obliged, and the only way i really got thru it was to turn on my photographer brain and focus solely on that task, because otherwise i’d just have been staring at the marks on her back and getting emotional. Even thinking about it now, i have to rationalize things in my own mind. But i guess this comes with the territory when one is a bit of an over-thinker.

After i applied some ointment to her back, we both finally settled in to go to sleep. Because of the stressors in my life of late sleep hasn’t been an easy thing for me but i thought that maybe that night would be different. Normally after such an endorphin high, like from exercise or intense training, i would drop off into a deep and restful sleep fairly quickly. Sadly this was not the case. My sleep was fitful, and restless; i stirred at the slightest sound or movement, and woke fully only two hours later. I tried to get back to sleep with about the same result, though thankfully i at least slept longer this time.

It appeared that no one in my room was feeling particularly energetic saturday morning. We decided to skip the classes we’d originally planned on and lazed in bed until hunger urged us to become upright and mobile. I just was grateful that i’d had the forethought to include energy shots in my pre-WF shopping.

(again, some names but have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms. Others have been changed to pseudonyms of their choosing)

After Kyosuke helped me move things down to my room, we decided we had to explore the rumors of the secret tunnel to Quiznos. Surely enough the rumors were true, and there’s a Quiznos RIGHT THERE, thru a little exit to the side of the hotel. I vowed to make use of that tunnel often, grabbed some food for myself and Jenn along with many Gatorades, and went to meet her at the bootblack station where she was waiting to get her new boots taken care of. We chatted for a bit, ate, and then it was her turn. I sat and continued to eat (cuz i eat a lot), and in the process met up with Athena, who ran the Sacred Sex Meetup, that i missed because of my playdate with Kyosuke. I also got to sit and chat with Feral, which was just fun and refreshing because we’d been chatting online like crazy and it was nice to get to talk and connect in person.

Later that night, Jenn and i had a highly anticipated rope date with Ryu. He’d tied me once before (back in 2012) and it was amazing. The fact that we had gone two years without him tying me was simply a travesty that was, thankfully, about to corrected. In our negotiations, i’d asked for him to push me. I’ve been tied at the hands of sadistic riggers before (Jenn is one such), so playing in that way is not new to me, but i wanted to know what that felt like coming specifically from HIM. His brand of sadism (that which i felt of it) is kinda… fantastic. I’m not a rigger, but i bottom to rope a LOT, so i knew a lot of what he was doing, as far as what ties he was putting me in, and i could guess where a lot of the pain was going to come into play, based on the number of wraps he did in certain areas, but more importantly, where there were LESS. Once i was in the air, my suspicions were confirmed, and OMG my shoulders were paying for it. After each transition, he would let me breathe and take it all in, which is standard practice, but something that i noticed is that he was breathing with me. We both have martial arts experience and it was very interesting for me to notice how he was doing an interesting mix of guiding and matching my breathing as i processed the pain and relaxed into each position. At one point while i was inverted, he laid under me and looked me in my eyes and we breathed together. It was very zen for a bit there. I was sweating a lot, though, because it was still very stressful. Once Ryu took me down and untied me, i felt REALLY alive. Endorphin high like WHOA. I almost felt a little silly, because i was giddy, and laughing, but some parts of me REALLY hurt. I ended up having to do some chigong exercises (think dynamic tension, but chinese) that i hadn’t done in years in order to bring my body back to what felt like normal so i could just enjoy the endorphins without being a puddle on the ground. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a puddle, but it’s not what i wanted right then. That would come later.

Once Ryu got himself reset, i had the fun opportunity of watching him tie Jenn as well. It’s always interesting to me to watch her bottom to rope, because being a rigger herself, she knows the technical side of things WAY better than i do. But also she and i don’t process pain the same way, and we get different things out of it. In a way she’s really entertaining to watch bottom, because she’s so vocal and, well, vulgar. So a lot of times it’s just really funny to me. This was no exception. I can’t really explain exactly what was going on in the scene; i don’t have the language for it. But one particularly entertaining moment was when Ryu ran some rope thru her crotch, which elicited two very distinct quotes:

“No rope in my urethra!!”
“My cunt’s gonna fall off!”

Obviously, her vulva was fine. After this was over, i had a little time before my next playdate, an impact play scene with Maki, so i kind of milled about in the dungeon for a bit. At this point Jenn found her “half boyfriend,” Rolento, and though they had not planned to play prior to this, they decided that now would be as good a time as any for Jenn to try bottoming to whipping again.

I had conflicting thoughts about this. On the one hand, i was getting ready for an impact play scene, so we had to part ways pretty soon and i didn’t want her to be bored. On the other hand i was sad that i was going to be missing out on this scene because i wanted to be there for her. But since it was going to be a scene with her other partner, it wasn’t really my place to be there for her, it was his. I still wanted to see the scene; i’d never watched them play in person (only on video, funny story), but i figured that i wouldn’t be able to be there for the whole thing. Maki was still prepping for our scene though, so i had some time to watch from afar. It was… an interestingly emotional thing for me to do. I had no need to worry, of course. Rolento is a very experienced and conscientious top, and they’ve played together multiple times, so that wasn’t an issue. But the last time they’d played, Jenn broke down and cried, and it was a release for her that only she can properly explain. Part of me felt sad that i couldn’t be there for her in that moment and it was playing into my emotions now as well. Another part of me felt envious of the fact that i couldn’t help to provide that kind of release for her, but i guess we’re not all wired for such things.

I watched as Rolento started striking with the whip; gentle strokes at first that gradually became harder and more intense, plus the occasional non-connecting crack around Jenn so that the sound would disorient her. I felt myself wince when i first heard her scream. It was a new sound to me, and it struck a chord, deep in my chest. This happened a few more times and i looked away, partially to give myself time to process what i was witnessing, and partially to check and see if Maki was ready to start. Hearing Jenn scream again when i couldn’t see her pulled a different emotion out of me; one of distance. It felt uncomfortable; and seemed to hit home the fact that in that moment, i was really separated from her, and there was nothing i could do about it. After a minute or so, i looked back so see the scene winding down, and watched as Rolento took Jenn in his arms to to provide aftercare. Took less time than i thought it would, and i suppose on one hand i was glad for that because i could witness at least most of it. But i was also relieved that it was over for a few reasons: Maki was ready to start our scene, and if i could still hear Jenn screaming from inside the main dungeon, i wouldn’t have been able to focus. Plus all of the aforementioned feelz.

But now it was time for me to get my own beating.