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July 7, 2010

I think about sex a LOT.

That’s probably not a terribly surprising thing. I guess the reason that I would even remark on it is the fact that I was raised christian, and was thus taught/told that thinking about sex was sinful, unless it was about sex with my wife. Otherwise it was “adultry of the mind,” which, in the fundamentalist Christian belief system, was just as bad as ACTUALLY having sex outside of marriage. Of course, I wasn’t married then, so any thoughts about sex were considered just as bad as actual fucking.

Because, y’know, fucking is evil.

I guess I can sorta understand why my parents wanted me taught this way; better to not have sex ever, than to end up dead of AIDS or something. I don’t really mind the idea of abstinence. Nobody should have sex if they don’t feel like they’re ready. But the lack of actual sexual education, which seems inherent to such a belief system, is what was si galling. Constant cautionary tales about various forms of birth control failure, emotional turmoil, unfulfilling lives due to never finding that special someone (because somehow fucking karmically disqualifies a person from marriage?), and whatever you do, DON’T BE GAY, because that makes you Satan incarnate.

It just all seemed so unbalanced. So focused on being “holy” that it was just unrealistic. So naturally there were tons of teen mothers, because that just seems to be a matter of course with abstinence-only education. Also, I masturbated very often; I was on a one-orgasm-a-day regimen for YEARS. Good thing I went to a private school with a secular humanist for a headmaster, and got some actual comprehensive sex-ed to balance it out. Still didn’t have sex till I was 30, but whatever.

I always wonder about how different my life would have been if I’d felt like I was allowed to have sex. I can think of a lot of women I TOTALLY would have fucked if that were the case, from highschool till now. I’m sure that some of the sex wouldn’t have been that great, but I really do find myself regretting not having the experience. On the other hand, since I was trying to save myself, I felt like it was really important not to disappoint my future wife. Since I’d also heard horror stories of premature ejaculations, impotence, and of course inability to make the woman come, I read a LOT of books. I was probably more sexually knowledgable than most of my peers. They’d just had the field experience where I’d only read the manual(s).

Once I finally did have sex, I found out that it wasn’t all magic and rainbows and unicorns and leprechauns. Not that it wasn’t really cool on a lot of levels, but strictly physically speaking, all I was doing was sticking my dick in something that wasn’t my hand. Ok, that’s oversimplifying quite a bit (it was really more like the last scene in 40-Year-Old-Virgin, bit without the singing), but what I’m getting at is that all the teaching I’d had from a spiritual point of view really told me jack and shit about what to actually expect. Since that first time, the sex has only gotten better (especially since it’s been with the same person, and we’re really in tune with each other), but I do wish I could have, or at least could have had, other experiences just so I’d have something to compare to.

As it is, I can only fantasize about other women and the occasional man. And this is how awesome my wife is: she wants me to have other experiences too. I mean, duh, we’re poly, even if we’re not active. I’d ask her to hook me up if it weren’t for the fact that her friends are gay/monogamous/otherwise not interested. Maybe if I can get this job I’m going for, I’ll be able to meet some new people. If nothing else, I’d really enjoy the conversation.

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