17 (stuff)

October 6, 2010

A lot has gone on since my last full post. We’ve moved, i have a crappy new job (trying for something better) and my daughter and i both have been in the hospital for the same thing. Also a potential 3rd person has already come and gone.

Not much to say about moving, or even about being in the hospital. Moving sucked, because we hate packing and transporting everything. Being in the hospital sucked, because i was sick and the baby was sick, and we both hated getting poked and prodded with needles.

But what’s been interesting is that both my wife and i have been flirting with people, with remarkably different results. I’ve been doing my flirting online and thru text messages with a cute girl in Colorado, and she had been flirting with a local bike shop employee. Uncharacteristically for her, this was a guy. Anyway, things are going fine for me; we’re keeping it light, and exchanging pictures every now and again, but nothing really serious as far as making plans because she lives so far away. Also, i’m using this as a kind of experiment, since i’m not really good at flirting. Everything i think of to say sound really corny to me, and if i were to be straightforward, i feel like i’d be pushing too hard or saying the wrong thing. So i’ve been trying to balance that out, and i’ve been extremely careful not to overstep my bounds. I’m slow to say anything overtly sexual, and I’m very quick to say “was that too much?” Sometimes i feel like i’m at risk of sounding like a wimp, but i’d rather be *too* respectful than disrespectful. Might seems timid, but i have my reasons for being that way, which are perfectly illustrated by what my wife experienced.

Things were going fine until her guy, let’s just call him “Dan,” related a story to her about a sexual encounter with a girl that ended with him being quite forceful with her and not in that fun “do it rough” kind of way that requires explicit consent. Maybe to him there was IMplicit consent, but that’s not good enough for either of us. His verbiage in relating the story was very much out of character for him as well, as he normally sounded polite and kinda nerdy (the guy’s a poet), but in this he sounded pretty much like a hood. Anyway, my wife was QUITE turned off by his words, but also by the attitude he displayed in the story. The girl in the story had, very clearly said “i’m done.” He heard her, and there was no mistaking it, and he then very clearly said “No you’re not,” because he hadn’t climaxed yet. He then continued to do what he wanted to her, without saying in the story whether or not she wanted him to.

In reading this, both my wife and i were rather taken aback.

MAYBE the girl was all into it. MAYBE she wanted him to do what he did. MAYBE she’s a submissive who’s all about being dominated and being told what to do. MAYBE she likes being disregarded when she speaks because that’s her thing. Lord knows there are plenty of submissives out there who are into exactly this, but NONE of that was relayed in the story, and none of that is anything we can count on being the case. As far as the story goes and as far as we can tell, he completely disregarded her wishes and fucked her without her consent.

Which is rape.

Which is NOT ok.

So now, she has to break it off with him. She says that she knows how to handle it, and i trust her, but if things DON’T go the way she wants, and he threatens her in any way, he’s going to find his face in the ground. If she HADN’T heard this story, and things had gone ahead and they’d gotten to the point where they were alone together, something non consensual could have happened to MY WIFE. If such a thing had happened, i would very likely beat this man to death, because i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t be able to control myself.

I don’t act the way i do, in a way that other men view as timid, because i’m some kind of shrinking violet. I move slowly and respectfully because I RESPECT WOMEN AND THEIR BOUNDARIES. Explicit consent is required on every level and i instantly pull back if i sense any kind of resistance or hesitation. I’m very sensitive about this because every woman is someone’s daughter or sister or friend, and i’m a respectful kind of guy in general. Also being a black man, my testimony as a defendant in a rape case is about as good for my prospects as a dvd in a record player.

The Schroedinger’s Rapist article becomes more and more real to me the longer i live. It pains me to know that there are guys like Dan out there doing what they do and ruining things for the rest of us. It pains me even more to know that no matter what i do, and no matter how respectful i act, there may be women who never trust me or any other man because guys like Dan do what they do.

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