46 (things)

January 14, 2012

I’m having one of those moments where i feel like i’ll never get what i want out of my sex life, for all kinds of reasons. Some reasons are legitimate obstacles that need to be worked out one way or another, and others might just be in my head.

My kinks as a bottom and my wife’s kinks as a top don’t really line up. There’s some crossover, and the fact that as a top she’s pure sadist helps, but when i’ve discussed my needs with her, the fact that they’re *needs* is a barrier to her. I’ve yet to discuss many such things with other partners (potential and kinetic), because the timing doesn’t really feel right to me yet. But as i’m trying to be more honest with myself and with others, as per my new years resolution, i’m going to have to start speaking up.

I feel as though i’m running up against barriers in the scene in general as well. As i’m not a white, bisexual, thin cisgender woman, i’m not the ideal bottom for like 95% of the tops out there, in my estimation. Not to say that play is unavailable to me, but i can’t just walk into a play party at this point in my social development and expect people to want to play with me just on GP. As a queer, black, cisgender man who often cross-dresses in scene-space, my options are limited without a LOT of effort on my part before ever walking thru the door. And knowing that this is the hand i’ve been dealt doesn’t do much for my self esteem when such efforts come up fruitless. Doubly so when i can’t (thus far) get what i need at home.

In non-kink areas, when it comes to sex and just physical affection in general, i don’t get anywhere NEAR enough. I’m already a very skin-hungry person; i need (there’s that word again) to be touched in a way that lets me know that i’m loved (or at least liked and appreciated), and it’s not often that it happens. Bottom (no pun intended) line is that I need to be on the receiving end of things. I don’t want to kiss, i want to BE kissed. I don’t to touch, i want to BE touched. When it comes to penetrative sex of any kind, no matter who’s penetrating whom i don’t want to fuck, i want to BE fucked (h/t to Maymay for the terminology, cuz it’s perfect). I don’t know why that need is so prevalent, but it’s there.

Maybe i just want to feel like i’m wanted? I think that might be it, and that’s something that’s been around for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time.

Part of me knows that these things will change as time progresses. I’m being a lot more active in the scene this year, and getting to know a lot more people (gaining social capital). Eventually my number of play partners will increase and some of these needs will be satisfied, if temporarily. Another part of me wants to give up and not bother putting forth the effort, but i’m trying to shut him up because he’s had too much of a say in too many areas of life and i’m about tired of being jealous of the rest of the world.

I have to keep going with this. It’s WAY too early to call it quits. I’m really tired right now and recent events have left me, though determined, tense and frustrated.

But tomorrow is another day, and i got shit to do. Raaaarrrrr… or something.