51 (Genderstuff)

August 30, 2012

(template semi-borrowed from Albizia)

A: Basics

  • I’m gender queer. Not a man, not a woman. Somewhere in the middle, i guess?
  • I prefer the term “queer” over “fluid,” because while i often go back and forth between the typical binary with how i present, i don’t ever feel very much one way or the other. If anything i feel on the femme side of neutral and so far that’s been pretty static. Sometimes i feel MORE femme, but i only ever go back to neutral.
  • My pronouns are he/his, but only because i haven’t found something neutral that i feel speaks to me. “They” is not bad, but i’m considering just making up my own.

B: Body

  • I appear to be a cis man, and thus have male privilege.
  • I have never been read as anything but binary, and probably never will.
  • When i was born, the doctors said “It’s a boy!” so you can guess what my bits look like (or just look in my pictures :p ).
  • FTR, i do prefer that they be called bits or junk. They don’t become a cock and balls unless/until you’re planning on doing something very nice to them (or otherwise at my discretion).
  • It’s very unlikely that there will any kind of medical modification made to my body.
  • Me and my body have an interesting relationship. I’m pretty physically strong, i’m athletic, i’m coordinated. I’m most comfortable and confident when moving my body, and i enjoy these aspects of it very much. However, when applied to what my body looks like, people think that these things make me more of a man, when they do nothing of the kind; they just make me strong, athletic and coordinated.
  • I get (minor-ish) dysphoria from time to time. While breasts are an extremely low priority for me, I really wish i had wider hipbones. I’ve got the ass already, i mean, come on! :-/ I also wish my bits were detachable cuz DAMN they get in the way sometimes.

C: Clothing stuff

  • I currently have about a 90% “masculine” wardrobe. I have really cute femme stuff, but i can only wear it to kink events, because it’s a little too cute (read: sexy) for daily consumption. Plus, though i look amazing in it if i do say so myself, fear of harassment, abuse, and frankly, gunfire, keep me from wearing it anywhere BUT a kink event or in my bedroom with the doors closed.
  • Though i don’t have what would classically be referred to as breasts, i do like wearing sports bras (aka “pec snugglers”).
  • In general, clothes have no gender to me. We just have to wear them because public nudity is outlawed. I tend to be pretty utiliarian (and thus, neutral ie pants) in my day-to-day unless i’m going out of my way to be cute. If the world were perfect, i’d have a nice mix of everything and i’d probably look like a dancer a lot of the time. I’m working on achieving that.

D: Language in reference to me

  • I honestly don’t have a problem with being referred to as “male” or “male bodied.” For me, i relate to my body as binary, but my gender as non-binary.
  • I do have a problem with being referred to as a “man.” A lot of that has to do with gendered expectations that are typically associated with “manliness” that i simply do not live up to.
  • I don’t mind being called a “boy” in a playful manner, however.
  • I try not to use “ASAB/CASAB, FAAB/MAAB” etc in reference to myself or anyone else unless i’m explaining things to people.

E: Other

  • Like i said, i’m thinking of making up my own pronoun. Right now “se/seir” has been in my head and i haven’t seen it anywhere else.
  • I love it when people call me pretty; makes my day because i don’t often feel pretty.
  • Movement in general, and dancing in particular, is an expression of my gender. Bellydancing is a particular style that resonates with me, though recently i have some appropriation issues with it that i’m trying to unpack and deal with.
  • I like shoes (i wish my feet were a little smaller), capri pants, and shirts with super long sleeves and thumb holes.
  • In an ideal world, i’d look like this.

44 (About my gender)

December 5, 2011

I’m a man.

I was assigned male at birth, i was raised as male, i was taught all of the typically “male” things. I don’t really feel like anything other than a man. But i can’t say that i always feel masculine. A lot of times i feel distinctly feminine. In the last few months i’ve had moments of actual gender dysphoria, which really threw me for a loop. I looked at myself in the mirror and, for the first time on a gender based level, i actually disliked what i saw, physically. I wanted to see wider hips, narrower shoulders. At one point, i didn’t want my penis anymore. Interestingly, i didn’t really want breasts. I’m still processing that, i think.

The terms “masculine” and “feminine” bother me to an increasing degree. I feel like these titles are ultimately useless because they are describe activities and clothes and all kind of things that have no actual gender of their own other than what society has attached to them. Somehow it just became “fact” that certain types of shoes or garments, for example, are for men and others are for women. It also continues to irk me that f-apparent people can wear “mens'” clothes mostly without issue, but m-apparent people cannot wear “womens'” clothes without the assumption that something is wrong with them. What if i like wearing a dress, dammit? And of course these standards change ALL THE TIME. In a couple hundred years, men might be wearing dresses on the regular.

Also, many activities that i enjoy can fall on either side of the typical binary. Sports can be played by anyone, for example. Athleticism and physical ability have no gender, so why do they suddenly take on a gender when applied to certain activities?

My wife has used the term “non gender conforming” in reference to me before, but i don’t feel that that’s actually the case at all. I just don’t conform to society’s opinion of what my gender is supposed to be. I actually feel like i’m conforming to the ever-changing and fluctuating notion of my own gender just fine, thankyouverymuch, skirts and all. Even if i were to claim to be anything other than male, i’d only claim gender neutrality, and the only reason i’d even say that is because the things i like to do are considered feminine BY EVERYONE ELSE.

I don’t think i want to apply everyone else’s standards of gender to what I feel.

27 (erotic art dump)

March 24, 2011

Hi-lo!

I’ve been meaning to post some of my artwork over here for a while and i finally got around to scanning it all (needed a new scanner). Anyway, enjoy. There are some anatomical scale issues (feet too small in one in particular), but hey these were just some ideas out of my head that i thought were sexy. I should also mention that some are based on photo reference, if only loosely.