(All names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms)

I had been looking forward to Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire this year for a lot of reasons. I was getting to know more people, i’d been a lot more open and receptive in my poly/kinky/queer life, i was getting better at asking for the things i want without fear of how such a thing would be perceived (because, let’s face it, i’m just a pervert in the company of perverts), and in general i was feeling pretty good about my life. I had a lot of anticipation building, and it had been the case for months since the day i registered back in November.

So naturally the course of things would not run smoothly, because the universe loves to toy with us.

First off, of course was the separation. Wasn’t really a separation so much as my spouse pretty much just ran away with my child. My spouse claimed a desire to be amicable, and that since my financial situation has never been spectacular, they didn’t want me to be impacted too terribly by the loss. But it all was bullshit. I’m not going to go too deeply into that (it may be the subject of another writing) but suffice to say that “amicable” is not a word i’d use to describe how things have gone. Anyway, Winter Fire happened to fall on a weekend where I’d be taking care of my daughter (we’d arranged alternating weekends due to my then work schedule), so i did some legwork and arranged for my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law to watch my daughter for that time. Everything seemed to be fine, so i was all set. I’d gotten the time off from my job, the hotel room was booked, i’d made arrangements for myself and my girlfriend, Jenn, at a nice restaurant, everything was cool.

But THEN…

Wednesday, the week of the event, not two hours before it was time for me to go home for the day, i got called into my boss’ office. I thought nothing of it until they closed the door. I was being laid off. No reason given. Just “Hey, today’s going to be your last day. Call our payroll and benefits specialist to get the info you need to collect unemployment. You don’t need to clock out when you leave; we’ll let you have the rest of the time for the day.” And that was it. There was nothing i could do but calmly hand in my keys, collect my things and walk out the door into the cold. I decided that this would not negatively affect my plans for the weekend, and that i would just deal with things when i got back, so i went shopping for my last minute necessities. On my way home, i checked in on my child care plans, and here’s when things got REALLY rocky. My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law had been very sick, and was still in the process of recovering. She was not feeling up to the task of watching my daughter, so suddenly my plans were basically shot. I was now scrambling for child care and was asking everyone i knew to ask everyone they knew to see what could be done. I spoke to the spouse, since their mother decided somewhere in the conversation to just STOP TALKING TO ME, and after a big run around, another arrangement was made with the spouse’s friend, and everything was ok again. This process, however, left me ragged. Besides the fact that it was going to likely be the last bit of fun i was going to have for a while thanks to my now dire financial situation, i’d had commitments made to many other people, chiefly my girlfriend. If i couldn’t go, neither could she. On top of that, we’d arranged for my friend Felix to also stay in our room, and if i had to cancel, since the room was in my name, they’d have to find somewhere else to sleep at the last minute and i didn’t want t put that kind of pressure on ANYONE. I ended up having a SIGNIFICANT freak out moment; screaming, punching things… think Agron, from Spartacus, being jealous when Nasir was being hit on by that cute black pirate character. Was ugly. You REALLY didn’t want to see me then.

But anyway, crisis averted, and Winter Fire was still a go. I breathed a gigantic sigh of relief. The universe decided to throw one more little spitball my way, though. The weather decided “hey, i feel like snowing again, just to wreck everyone’s plans. Sounds like fun.” So, there was lots of snow, and the dinner reservations i’d made had to be canceled, as well as the first night of our hotel stay. This worked out better for us all in the end, because it saved a great deal of money. So, all in all that bit was actually for the better, though annoying.

So, now that all of the immediate things were handled, things were generally ok. Jenn was here, we knew what the plans were for the next day, and i was more relaxed and all set to forget about real life for the weekend. The next morning, we dug her car out from under the snow one more time, got everything packed up, i did my multiple “pre-flight checks” and we set off for a weekend of fun and adventure.

“And evening and morning were the first day.” Or something like that.

It’s been almost a year since i’ve written anything on this blog. I see as i look thru my WP dashboard that i have some drafts in here, and i don’t think that they’ll ever see the light of day, since they are all at least a year and a half old.

So, it’s 2014 now and I’ve officially had the WORST beginning to ANY year, EVER. It can only get better over the course of the next 364.75 days. There’s backstory for this of course, so i’ll give you, dear readers, the short version.

My wife of seven years is divorcing me. This has, as one might imagine, caused an emotional storm inside me that rages to this day. It’s made me fearful for all of my relationships, suspicious of any new ones that come along, including friendships, and i feel like i live in an almost constant state of worry that everyone is going to leave me and i’m going to die in a ditch in the middle of nowhere and no one will care or remember me. This culminated this morning, where i checked out one of my social networks and saw a cryptic status update from my girlfriend at a New Years Eve party (poly, remember), which caused me to get so freaked out that i literally, ACTUALLY SHAT MYSELF, in my bed.

I CANNOT live like this anymore.

I cannot be so focused on others that i lose myself.

I cannot be so focused on others that i don’t take care of myself.

I cannot continue to give to others at the expense of myself.

I cannot continue to be so displeased with myself that i rely on others to lift me up. No entity in this world or any other is that reliable.

And i CANNOT get so upset about others that i SHIT MYSELF.

I must build myself up so that my relationships with others are based on CHOICE, both mine and theirs, not NEED from any party.

Suffice to say that 2014 will be a rebuilding year. I have to go thru all this legal stuff wit the divorce, and it’s going to be ugly, because i’m going to fight for everything i can get out of it. I gave up 7 years of my life to this woman.

I hastily quit school when i was on my way to a degree in my chosen career field, which fucked up the future i was building in ways that are still affecting me financially, and emotionally.

When I saw the opportunity to put myself back on the path, i gave it up in the name of “supporting her” and we had a child whom i love dearly but who was ill-timed, and really could have waited another 18 months until i had completed the certificate program hat would have put me and us both in a better financial position to be supporting a child in the first place, but OH NO i had to go and shrink away from my better judgment because i didn’t want to fight and have resentment build. And the kicker is that it did build, just in me and not in her.

Ever since then it’s been one setback after another. Shitty job after shitty job, me not standing up for myself because i didn’t make enough money to feel like i had any leverage, and constantly letting her control things because i felt like i never had any. It wasn’t true, i CEDED control to her out of fear. And now all of her decisions about our relationship have come full circle and i’m being kicked OUT.

Fun thing, she decided that our relationship was no longer worth continuing RIGHT AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. which was also right after i’d finally come out of the closet as poly, queer and genderqueer. I was riding a high of liberation and openness only to be shot down into an abyss of loneliness and fear. And then she went to live with her boyfriend and took our child with her.

So, here i am, picking up the pieces.

It’s got to get better.

53 PiV and Me

January 9, 2013

So, this is something that’s been on my mind for a really long time (about 8 months now, all told), it’s something i’ve struggled with, along with gender, gender expression and everything else.

(apologies for binarist language; i’m going to be talking about media messages, which are are terribly binarist)

As i’ve gotten older (and have had a lot more of it), PiV sex, aka “the old in and out” has become kind of… distasteful for me. Not that i don’t want to do it, but i think that the way it’s often depicted in media, and the way those of us who are read as men are taught/supposed/expected/socialized to be, sexually, is pretty fucked up.

For example, if you look at the standard lads mags (Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Playboy) or at any visual media that actually tries to talk about sex (whether seriously or not), when it comes to men, the general axiom is LAST LONGER, because apparently every man on the planet comes in 30 seconds and their partners all are going to leave them unless they have porn star stamina. Men are also told that unless they make their partners have like 15 orgasms a night, they’re worthless.

But then if you look at magazines like Cosmopolitan, the message is always “how to make him come,” “here are his secret sex buttons,” etc etc etc. So, wait a minute, are men supposed to last two hours, or 20 seconds? Because according to that, women want men to come as soon as possible because that makes women feel sexy, and that’s all any woman wants because sex appeal is the end all be all of their self-esteem.

::side eye::

So, here i am, kinda caught in the crossfire of all this. I can tell you from experience that lasting longer does impress people, and can derive greater pleasure from my partners. I can also tell you from experience that orgasming quickly brings a different kind of pleasure to one’s partner for completely different reasons. How, you may ask? For that i must tell a story…

Once upon a time before we had a child, my wife and i fucked pretty much ALL THE TIME. At one point she’d been off the pill because the hormones were messing with her, and we were using condoms exclusively. This lasted about 6 months, i think. Now, my staying power has always been pretty good, because i took the messages from lads’ mags to heart, and read many sex books and did a lot of practicing (read: masturbating) to train myself to hold off orgasm. So, with condoms in place to take away some of the sensation, lasting a while was pretty easy. When she got back on the pill, the first time riding bareback again provided a notable difference in sensation, and i orgasmed in about 90 seconds. I was pretty embarrassed by this, but after a good laugh (which actually didn’t help with the embarrassment) she assured me that it was all good, and in fact hot that i came so fast, because it was sexual self-esteem booster that i just couldn’t help myself, and it sent the message that I was just THAT hot for her. Also, of course that just because i came ONCE, didn’t mean the night was over (and it certainly was not).

So here i am now, years later, actively polyamourous and having had PiV sex with a fair number of people at this point, and now i’ve got this mental block around orgasm. And not just that, but around PiV sex in general. Honestly i just don’t enjoy it anymore. I’ve been trying to figure what my deal is, and i’ve figured out a few reasons why:

1. I’m SUPPOSED TO. Being someone who is consistently read as male (whether i want to or not), the general consensus in conventional society is that i’m supposed to be all about sticking my dick in something, as a kind of biological imperative. It’s supposedly “in my nature.” Well, to hell with that.

2. Coupled with that is the general expectation that PiV sex is the pinnacle of human sexual connection. I disagree with that completely. There’s nothing particularly special about it; nothing that sets it apart from any of the many other types of sex and forms of intimacy, except for the fact that it can lead to babies. I’ve already got the baby part covered anyway.

Those are the main things, but there are couple of media components to it as well, aside from the aforementioned, that relate to gender and race. Basically, that since i’m an ostensible man, and because i’m black, there’s a subconscious societal expectation that i’m a grunting, jackhammering sex maniac. This has been perpetuated centuries of racist narrative that considers me and “my kind” to be something other than (and usually less than) human; typically animal, and thus more oriented toward physical activity as opposed to higher functions, like SPEAKING. So, compared to our white counterparts, we’re simultaneously desired as sexual objects (toys) but once that purpose is served, we are useless except for possibly some other mindless labor.

This narrative about black people is perpetuated contemporarily in various forms of media where we are viewed or depicted as sexual (movies, music videos, magazines, etc), but also in porn. BBC bull porn, cuckolding, and just about any porn with black people present seems to perpetuate the stereotype, gay porn included. Besides the fact that the characters (if there is a plot) are rarely anything but “ghetto fabulous” tropes, once the sex begins, it’s this constant rapid fire thrusting and pumping (which, honestly is the same as any porn, but from what i’ve seen it’s even worse), often with a “woman as receptacle” angle. And “straight” porn in general is just so misogynistic that i feel like someone with my desires and fantasies is pretty much left out of mainstream society. Not that i’m mainstream, but, y’know.

Anyway, these expectations permeate pretty much every encounter, and they totally aren’t *me.* While i’m glad to pleasantly surprise people, i wish that it wasn’t quite SUCH a surprise that i don’t have any desire to engage in 200 horsepower piston-fucking. Even in situations where i’m not “bearing the aerobic burden” as one friend of mine put it, i find myself feeling, if not unsatisfied in general, simply let down. That, or i feel like i had to *put up with* the high energy, high friction workout (and it does feel like WORK), to get to the actual human contact and real intimacy that i’m craving. Also, in these cases the encounter can feel phony and staged.

I’ve been avoiding sex in general because of all these things. If i’m not going to be satisfied with the encounters, i’m not going to bother.

So, what WOULD satisfy me?

Well, first off, the abolition of all of these expectations based on what i look like and my genital configuration. If my partners (current and future) pay attention to what my individual desires are and not what they think *should* be the case, that would go a long way. But also, a *feeling* of intimacy is very important to me, and the things that feel like intimacy when it comes to sex are the kinds of things that almost seem childish in their simplicity. Perhaps this is why supposedly sexually sophisticated adults tend to avoid them? I dunno.

Kissing and cuddling, for one. These are greatly lacking in the majority of my sexual encounters of late. This can often be a factor or time available (whee parenthood), but for me, time NEEDS to be made for these. Also, these are not FOREPLAY. Kissing and cuddling (and physical contact, and touching with parts that aren’t crotch-adjacent) are integral to my sexual enjoyment. I can orgasm without these things, but i usually feel empty after the hormone rush wears off.

Speaking of orgasm, the assumption that orgasm is the POINT of every sexual encounter is extremely wrong-headed. Orgasms are pleasurable, of course, and yay for having them organically. But aiming specifically for orgasm at the outset takes away from being in the moment with my partners, which dissipates the connection. So for me to have a sexual experience that doesn’t leave me feeling empty, that expectation has to be removed. If i’m honest with myself, it is something that i need to remove from my thought process as well.

When discussing this with a friend the other night, they mentioned that one of their biggest turn-ons (and i agreed wholeheartedly) was extended make-outs, to the point where the participants are dry humping each other because they’re so worked up. Not as a conscious act, but as an instinctual extension of the activity; because they’re so into what they’re doing that their body takes over regardless of what they might actually be thinking, if anything. This is exactly what i want out of my sexual encounters. Relaxed, in-the-moment, partner focused, and non-performative. Not to take away from the performance aspect of fucking; there’s a time and place for showing off and being all “let me impress you,” and that can be a LOT of fun, but i’m at a point where i’m tired of it because it’s been such a large part of my sexual life, and my ego doesn’t need any more inflating.

One delicate issue here, when it comes to partners who may be interested in the same thing, is physical compatibility. Sadly, sometimes bodies don’t interlock as easily or as well as we’d like, and no matter the desire in place nothing can be done about that. PiV just has to be taken off the menu in those cases, but so far that hasn’t happened very often.

Thankfully, non-performative expectation-free sex has been something that i’m finding people are into, and more so than i thought. So, it seems that i CAN have a mutually satisfactory sexual encounter. I just need to keep myself open to the possibilities and honest about what i’m looking for when they present themselves.

This is an update of my user manual from last year. As before, it has been restructured and revamped in lieu of the past year’s experiences.

I am a 30-something married polyamourous, queer, genderqueer parent of one. I’ve decided to split my two queer terms into distinct categories because they’ve both become clearer since last year.

-Family/baggage-

  • I’m from a fairly typical nuclear American family. Both of my parents are still alive and still together. I have one younger sister. My in-laws are likewise alive, married, and together. I have one brother in law. My daughter is a precocious 3 year old, fully able-bodied, able-minded and typically loves to get into trouble. My wife and I have been together for seven years (married for six) and have been non-monogamous and kinky the whole time, though on an active basis mostly for the last two years.
  • I have a strained relationship with both my blood sister and my brother in law. My sister is openly antagonistic toward me so i don’t contact her much. My brother in law is ok in limited doses. Mostly i feel uncomfortable around him because i can’t fully be myself, but then that’s the case with most of my family. With him the strain is heavier because of having lived with him.
  • My parents are both christian, and because of that, don’t know a lot of things about me, nor should they. Growing up was fine, i often had more communication with my mother about personal/life issues. Mom is a little high strung and always trying to give me advice and or stifle my online voice, which is why personal/angry/emo status updates are only put up in places where she can’t see them. She was most often the disciplinarian at home (spankings, etc.) Dad is laid back, and could probably deal with things in my personal/online life a little easier, but since they would afterward have to go thru my mother, no dice. He ever only spanked me a few times, and they were VERY painful. Not sure if i ever really processed that. I have left any formal religion behind, and it holds little sway in my day to day life, but having been raised christian i was stifled sexually (i was also taught that “friends first” bullshit, which really didn’t help). I didn’t have PiV sex until i was thirty (though i’d given and received both oral and manual sex by the time i was 23), to my later-to-be wife.
  • Because of that, it is only now that my sexual development is maturing, and i have come a really long way in that regard. So i’m very excited and open to talk about sex/sexuality/gender at any given time. Since i was so stifled and now feel free to explore these things, i’m kinda chomping at the bit to do so. I am still nervous at being so open and scaring people away, so it’s sometimes difficult for me, even though i really want to. This can depend on the crowd i’m with, and as i hang with a more kinky/queer/etc crowd, this is becoming easier.

-Me at a glance-

  • I’m a nice person. By that i mean i’m actually nice, not a Nice Guy ™. I’m athletic, artistic, and creative. I’m a talker. I’m a belly dancer. I’m also the quintessential black nerd. I love videogames, martial arts/sci-fi/fantasy movies, animation, comic books, rpgs… I’m all over the map with my nerdiness. I’m also an older nerd, so i’m a little bit of an elitist about it, and i make no apologies for that. I also really love music of (almost) all types, but my love of hip-hop and R&B stops at about the year 2002 with a few exceptions.
  • I’m also detail-oriented and hate being interrupted when i’m working. Just a random fact.

-Things i value-

My family, my health, my creativity, my gender expression. I’m very into social justice, and i’m not a fan of the government right now because they tend to suck at that.

-Things i like-

  • Conversation. I crave conversation on whatever subject. If you’re a talker, i’ll instantly be more attracted to you, assuming you’re talking about something we have in common. For some reason i love minutia (might be related to the detail orientation). All the the little, seemingly silly and neurotic things that people think about are exactly what i like hearing about. I think that sometimes, it’s not what you’re talking about that matter so much as HOW you talk about it.
  • Languages. I have a bit of an affinity for them, though i’ve studied very few. If you speak more than one language, i’m always curious about that.
  • Physical activity. I’ve always been into sports of various types, and i like doing new and different things. Also, i like watching other people do stuff. So let’s do stuff!
  • Dancing. Falls in line with the physical activity bit above. Dancing with/near/around/in the vicinity of me will ALWAYS get my attention.
  • For both of these things it comes down to the fact that i like watching bodies move. It’s just fascinating to me. Also, how i move is an expression of my gender, so it’s important to me in that way as well.
  • I like singing too. but that’s just because i like music.

-How to connect with me-

  • Movie references/quotes. Double points if they’re from kung fu movies.
  • Look me in the eye when you’re talking to me. You’d be surprised how many people don’t.
  • I’m an artist and photographer; model for me.
  • Spending a day together is awesome, whether that’s going out to places in a city, hiking, or just nerding out watching DVDs all day.

-How to impress me-

  • Proficiency. In anything. Seriously, ANYTHING. If you’re awesome at something and show it to me, i’m very likely to be impressed. Also, see -things i like-
  • Be comfortable in your own skin. As one co-worker of mine put it: “I am the queen of not giving a fuck. You can’t out-not-giving-a-fuck me.” YMMV on this since we all have our issues, but the thing is that i’m not always comfortable in my own skin unless i’m so occupied that i’m not thinking about it. So it puts me at ease if you are just comfortable with yourself all the time (or even if you fake it convincingly).
  • Be passionate about whatever your interests are. If you really like what you’re into, you’ll probably get me interested in it as well.
  • Take me out for interesting and different food. Bonus if you can cook/prepare it.
  • Speaking of food, if we go out to eat and you’re paying, generous tips (20% or more) give me warm fuzzies.

-How to turn me on emotionally-

  • Let me know that i’m allowed to be myself and that no aspect of me will be treated as weird in a negative way. This is especially important in light of my realizations about my gender.
  • Trust me and let me know that i can trust you. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with me.
  • Include me in activities with other people. I like doing new and different things. If you’re in another relationship, i want to meet them and connect with them as well. You should also get to know my wife and child.
  • Return communications. This is a big deal. Whether phone call, chat, text message, carrier pigeon, WHATEVER. Doesn’t have to be the same type of communication either, just at least acknowledge that you heard me.
  • Listen to me rant if i’m freaking out. I have a tendency to overreact (i’m working on it) and as long as i get that out early then i can think rationally afterwards.

-How to turn me on sexually-

  • Physical touch means a lot to me. It says a great deal more if you touch me when you talk to me, or hold my hand in whatever situation.
  • Kisses, hugs and cuddles will ALWAYS work. In fact, the longer any of these go on, the more turned on i will be. I am very much NOT goal oriented when it comes to physical affection, and by that i mean i really just enjoy being in the moment and savoring what’s going on physically. I don’t generally try to push forward to the “main event” whatever that means. For me, a lot of times, what others call foreplay is the point of the interaction. I will make out with you for HOURS if you’ll let me.
  • Once clothes start coming off, massages absolutely turn me on whether i’m giving or receiving them. You honestly can’t touch my back enough, either with your hands or your mouth. Ditto for my nipples and my ass.
  • That said, i do enjoy sex a LOT. I define sex as anything requiring protection to perform. So, if we need a barrier of any kind to do it (or if it has the term SEX in the name), it’s sex. This includes, oral, PiV and anal. If at any point you are confused on this, ask. BDSM play, while it is often sexual, isn’t the same thing as it requires a different kind of trust (and protection) than sex. At this point the two have never intermingled (with exceptions made for D/s dynamics), but i’m open to it.
  • It is important to note that while i am working on it, i have a mental block about orgasm. I’m perfectly capable, but in my quest to control my orgasms, i seem to have internalized a “don’t ever come EVER” thought pattern. I want to be able to separate the ability to hold off from a *need* to hold off. I’ve also internalized a “make your partner orgasm 9 million times” thought pattern. These being said, when i’m in a situation where PiV sex will occur/is occurring, both of these have become a type of internal peer pressure. So, in order for me to really enjoy myself, i have to know explicitly that there are no expectations about orgasm for either party. The best PiV sex for me would basically be a really long makeout/cuddle session, but with that little extra.
  • With BDSM, i’m a bottom, a rope slut, a pain slut, and I get very subby very quickly. I like claws, knives, electricity, fire, and especially thuddy impact play. I recently discovered a love for having my face slapped. I’m willing to try almost anything, but it helps me a great deal to see something done to someone else first before i’m willing to have it done to me.
  • Wrestle with me; try and overpower me. Bonus if you actually can.
  • Watch porn with me. And not the boring heavily made up implant porn, i mean stuff like The Crash Pad, Chemistry, and ShortBus. Tell me what you like in porn and what you’d like to see in porn.
  • I also really love helping other people fulfill their fantasies, either scene-wise or just sexually, whether i’m directly involved or not.

-Queer Stuff-

  • I am queer both sexually and in my gender.
  • Sexuality: I’ve often been to events with a sign that says “all genders welcome.” I really am open to anyone at this point, but my attractions are still oddly narrow when it comes to how people actually look; it’s mostly in the face. If i’m attracted to your face, i’ll be attracted to the rest of you. As for what else attracts me to people on that visceral, heart thumping, cold sweating, cheek flushing, makes-my-underwear-get-tight kind of level… i got no idea. There’s no definable list of criteria at this point. It basically boils down to the fact that if i think you’re hot, then i think you’re hot. Sorry i can’t be clearer.
  • Interestingly, i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the first “alternative lifestyle” person i ever met was my godmother, and she was the coolest person on earth when i knew her, so on some kind of subconscious level, if i’m attracted to you, no matter your gender, you exude a quality that i saw in her. Couldn’t begin to tell you what quality that might be, though.

-How to turn me off-

  • Racist, sexist, heteronormative, cissexist, transphobic, homophobic, classist, ableist, or binarist crap, and doubling down when called on it. We all make mistakes, and life has given different people different experiences and that’s all great, but there’s a limit. I’ve become very tired of trying to explain why things are problematic.
  • On the race side especially this includes but is not limited to racial fetishization. If you see me and you think “big black cock WANT” you can die in a fire. Don’t ever invite me to a BBC party unless you want me to just start throat-punching the other attendees. There are plenty of bigger cocks you can buy for relatively cheap. I am not a sex toy. I am a person.
  • Conceit. Self-confidence is great, but self-absorption is full of fail.
  • Insult me, or treat my interests as “weird.”
  • If you don’t communicate clearly with me, things won’t work. I’m really seriously NOT psychic.

If i’ve missed anything, or you feel i was unclear, feel free to ask me in the comments!

51 (Genderstuff)

August 30, 2012

(template semi-borrowed from Albizia)

A: Basics

  • I’m gender queer. Not a man, not a woman. Somewhere in the middle, i guess?
  • I prefer the term “queer” over “fluid,” because while i often go back and forth between the typical binary with how i present, i don’t ever feel very much one way or the other. If anything i feel on the femme side of neutral and so far that’s been pretty static. Sometimes i feel MORE femme, but i only ever go back to neutral.
  • My pronouns are he/his, but only because i haven’t found something neutral that i feel speaks to me. “They” is not bad, but i’m considering just making up my own.

B: Body

  • I appear to be a cis man, and thus have male privilege.
  • I have never been read as anything but binary, and probably never will.
  • When i was born, the doctors said “It’s a boy!” so you can guess what my bits look like (or just look in my pictures :p ).
  • FTR, i do prefer that they be called bits or junk. They don’t become a cock and balls unless/until you’re planning on doing something very nice to them (or otherwise at my discretion).
  • It’s very unlikely that there will any kind of medical modification made to my body.
  • Me and my body have an interesting relationship. I’m pretty physically strong, i’m athletic, i’m coordinated. I’m most comfortable and confident when moving my body, and i enjoy these aspects of it very much. However, when applied to what my body looks like, people think that these things make me more of a man, when they do nothing of the kind; they just make me strong, athletic and coordinated.
  • I get (minor-ish) dysphoria from time to time. While breasts are an extremely low priority for me, I really wish i had wider hipbones. I’ve got the ass already, i mean, come on! :-/ I also wish my bits were detachable cuz DAMN they get in the way sometimes.

C: Clothing stuff

  • I currently have about a 90% “masculine” wardrobe. I have really cute femme stuff, but i can only wear it to kink events, because it’s a little too cute (read: sexy) for daily consumption. Plus, though i look amazing in it if i do say so myself, fear of harassment, abuse, and frankly, gunfire, keep me from wearing it anywhere BUT a kink event or in my bedroom with the doors closed.
  • Though i don’t have what would classically be referred to as breasts, i do like wearing sports bras (aka “pec snugglers”).
  • In general, clothes have no gender to me. We just have to wear them because public nudity is outlawed. I tend to be pretty utiliarian (and thus, neutral ie pants) in my day-to-day unless i’m going out of my way to be cute. If the world were perfect, i’d have a nice mix of everything and i’d probably look like a dancer a lot of the time. I’m working on achieving that.

D: Language in reference to me

  • I honestly don’t have a problem with being referred to as “male” or “male bodied.” For me, i relate to my body as binary, but my gender as non-binary.
  • I do have a problem with being referred to as a “man.” A lot of that has to do with gendered expectations that are typically associated with “manliness” that i simply do not live up to.
  • I don’t mind being called a “boy” in a playful manner, however.
  • I try not to use “ASAB/CASAB, FAAB/MAAB” etc in reference to myself or anyone else unless i’m explaining things to people.

E: Other

  • Like i said, i’m thinking of making up my own pronoun. Right now “se/seir” has been in my head and i haven’t seen it anywhere else.
  • I love it when people call me pretty; makes my day because i don’t often feel pretty.
  • Movement in general, and dancing in particular, is an expression of my gender. Bellydancing is a particular style that resonates with me, though recently i have some appropriation issues with it that i’m trying to unpack and deal with.
  • I like shoes (i wish my feet were a little smaller), capri pants, and shirts with super long sleeves and thumb holes.
  • In an ideal world, i’d look like this.

OK, so i’ll get to the Fusion write ups later, but i had to put this out there first. And a big h/t to my friend Eden for the editing help. ❤

note: The concepts of misandry and masculism are inherently binarist — and this is in fact, a criticism I have of the two. Because of this, any critique of the ideas of masculism and misandry will deal with binarist claims. I’ve done my best to not be binarist in my critiques, but I felt this needed to be pointed out.

I have to say that i have a problem with Masculism (and misandry and other supposedly equal but opposite terms to feminism) as a concept for the same reasons that “reverse racism” is bullshit. The things that people call “man hating” are, in my opinion, not anywhere near on the same level as systemic misogyny because they are NOT SYSTEMIC and do not in anyway result in “female privilege.” I blogged about this a little while ago here .

As i said in that blog, while i do totally believe in, and have experienced, something that could be called sexism against people read as men, i don’t believe that it’s actually misandry. What i do believe is that as traditional gender roles continue to shift and break down, the sexism (against people read as women) that has pervaded society and has become systemic is now hurting men.

It’s a backlash.

So when men feel like society is coming down on them for performing in a way that is considered traditionally feminine, it’s not because men are hated, it’s because women and femininity are hated. Thus to take on what’s considered to be a feminine role is considered to be degrading to men, or lowering himself, or otherwise not performing in a “manly” way.

There are many ways in which this manifests, which those who call themselves masculists are perfectly valid in discussing and breaking down, and they do, so that’s great. But my issue is that it’s framed in this idea that such a thing is systemic, and (from what i’ve seen) completely devoid of the context that all of the traditional and assumed roles that are set up for people in society are rooted in sexism against women, not men. One passage that i saw was: “Many people find it so unthinkable that men might want to have traditionally feminine jobs such as nurses or teachers that they tend to promote men out of those jobs and into more traditionally masculine positions such as administration; this sounds like an advantage, but most people become nurses to take care of patients, not to deal with paperwork, and it’s based in misandric stereotypes around what men can do.” In my opinion, that last sentence is problematic because it ignores the systemic reality that misogyny dictates what women can do. As a result, it ALSO dictates what men can do, but this is not misandry. It’s simply the backlash of misogyny. The sentence is more correct when phrased this way: “it’s based in misogynistic stereotypes around what women do.” That, of course, IS systemic, and conversely this affects what’s expected of men as well, but that’s not the dominant issue.

If masculists acknowledged that more often (i have seen it in a few places), i’d have way less of a problem with masculism as a concept, i think.

49 (news and updates)

June 30, 2012

So i haven’t blogged in a bit. This doesn’t mean that nothing’s been happening. In fact it means that probably TOO MUCH has been happening.

Since my last post, i’ve been left blindfolded and naked in a crowd of people and molested (and loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT), been tied up a lot, came out genderqueer, had great sex with even more new people, helped fulfill other people’s fantasies, had a session of fucking that was referred to as both “epic” and “life-changingly beautiful,” I’ve obtained and worn lots of cute skirts, discovered that i do indeed really like impact play, including face slapping (which i never would have imagined), and so many other firsts that i’m not sure where to begin talking about them all. My brain can’t seem to process them in chronological order.

I think, though, that my next few entries will be about my experiences at Dark Odyssey: Fusion.

48 (3 things on my mind)

March 22, 2012

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and it’s all been kind of jumbled together, so i’m going to attempt to make some sense of it here. If this ends up being a long rambly thing, i apologize in advance, but i’m going to try and keep it at least SEMI organized. So, stuff on my mind…

Sex:

It seems that lately my sex drive has increased. I’m not sure what the contributing factors are, and maybe this has always been the case, and i’m only recently paying more attention to it. But i feel like i’ve been wanting sex WAY more than before. Certainly i’ve always wanted more sex than i’ve gotten and there was a considerable drop in sexual activity since my daughter came into the picture, but now i’m chomping at the bit practically every day. No amount of masturbation sates me for very long, which leads me to believe that this is just an increase in what i’ve always lacked, which is human contact.

One reason that i’m pretty sure that it’s a human (skin to skin) contact issue is because about two weeks ago, as part of a grander experiment, i went to a play party in a cute outfit with a blindfold and this sign:

I sat down in a chair in a fairly high traffic area of the party and it was barely five minutes before i was beset upon with kisses and all manner of attention from just about everybody at the party (there were about 75-90 people in attendance). Two hours later, i had a sore tongue (which seems to have only JUST recovered), a huge smile on my face, a pleasant happy-hormone high, and when i went home, it was the first time in a REALLY long time that i actually felt physically *sated*. It was also the first time in a long time that i’d felt desired, which is a big thing, given some stuff i’ll talk about in a later entry. The only problem with this situation is that now that i realize that it’s possible to get what i feel like i need, i’m becoming very impatient. Also, since i did receive so much attention that night, it’s like the seal is broken and i need more.

Another thing is that when i actually have had sex, it’s been since a while since it’s been the kind of sex that i feel i need with the people that i love. While there is a silver lining to this, that being that i’ve been experimenting and discovering more and varied types of sex that i like, and there’s no shortage of orgasmic release regardless, there’s a certain core element missing, and this goes back to the whole “human contact” thing i was saying earlier. Something i’ve noticed looking back over the course of my life as far as i can remember, is that touch has always been important to me, on a really deep, visceral level. It was so extreme at one point when i was younger that i had sexual physical reactions to dogs licking my hands (aaaawwwwkwaaaaarrrddd…). While i’ve, thankfully, grown past that, i still crave touch on an only slightly lower level than food. I’ve heard this called “skin hunger” before, and described as a deficiency in oxytocin levels in the body which is relieved by skin to skin contact. Yeah, i’d believe it. But it doesn’t matter what you call it, the fact is that i’m not satisfied in this area for very long if at all.

I’ve been feeling pretty slutty lately and i wonder if this has something to do with it. Like i’m at some kind of breaking point and i’ve decided that my fear and anxiousness over social interactions is no longer enough to keep me from going out and just fucking EVERYONE. Not sure, exactly, but something’s got to give, because if this keeps going, i’m going to explode.

Speaking of fucking everyone…

Sexuality:

It was only about a year and a half ago that i fully realized and came to grips with the fact that i wasn’t straight. As you may know from reading the most recent version of my user manual i use the term “queer” to describe my sexuality at current, because it clearly defines me as not straight but after that stays good and nebulous. The reason for this is because i’m still trying to figure it all out.

My makeout corner actually came in pretty handy for this. One thing i noticed about it all, once i got over the nervous anticipation and subsequent excitement and relief that people actually DID want to partake of me in such a way, was my own reactions to people as they came up and did whatever they wanted to do to me. One thing i noticed was my lack of sexual arousal toward what i perceived to be more masculine types. Since i was couldn’t see, i had to rely on the rest of my senses (especially sounds and touch), and what i found was that scruffy faces on my face REALLY don’t work for me. Stubble hurts in the bad way, y’all. Combine this with the fact that most people who were sporting stubble or more were rather forceful and even a bit clumsy in the kissing department (and would use force in a way to disguise the clumsy, it seemed). There were more than a few who would pin me down, but it was only a very rare one who would do so in a way that i found to be hot; the rest just had me thinking “Dude, get off my face.” On the other hand, when it came to those whom i perceived to be more feminine, i definitely felt a higher level of sexual arousal. I’m not sure if this was a strictly physiological, chemical reaction to sensation and signals my body was receiving, or if i was, on some level, thinking “i attribute femininity to this person for whatever reason and thus this person is more sexually attractive to me.”

There were a few seemingly more concrete things that i did discover about myself thru this, though:
– Certain types of sensation were arousing regardless of perceived gender. For instance while kisses on my lips were hit or miss, kisses anywhere else resulted in the same positive reaction from me. Similarly, biting, nibbling, scratching, massaging, etc on my neck or anywhere else other than my lips resulted in the same positive reaction from me, regardless of who did it. This leads me to believe that within certain parameters, even when i CAN see, the sensation itself is the more important thing to me, not the gender of the person providing it. This is similar to my reaction to sensation thru BDSM play.

– When i’m on bottom or otherwise designated the receiver, i’m much more receptive (lol, redundant), physically and psychologically to any sensation brought my way, regardless of the gender of the person bringing it. I wonder if my brain says “you’re getting what you want, don’t worry about who’s giving it; DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH, YOU FOOL!” or something. Leads me to the classic Margaret Cho bit: “Am i gay??? Am i straight??? Nope, i’m just slutty.” Though in my case it makes me think more like “i’m just desperate.”

These will require more looking into. But hey, there are plans in motion for that.

Gender:

As with anything that is an aspect of one’s existence and how one relates to the world, i don’t think i’ll ever really figure this out, especially since it was once so grounded and is now so up in the air.

In attempt to make this sound less weird i’m going to preface this by saying that i have always had a VERY active imagination that has often run away with me. I can feel the emotion of imaginary characters (in movies or any media and my own mind) so strongly that it can affect my mood for hours depending on how strongly i relate to said characters. So when the character in an imaginary scenario is ME, it’s that much stronger. That being said…

I have a recurring daydream where i come home frustrated and muttering to myself and i slam the door upon entry. My brother-in-law, whom we live with and is always trying to be a peacemaker, makes some comment about how the door didn’t do anything to me. I then respond angrily, saying that the door will live, my frustration is not his business, and that he wouldn’t understand what i’m upset about anyway (he’s not really in the loop about gender and sexuality issues/politics/stuff). He pushes the issue: “Try me.”

“No way, you wouldn’t get it.”

“What wouldn’t i get? You’ve been freaking out for months and you never talk to me.”

“I don’t talk to you about this because i already know that you wouldn’t understand!”

“What wouldn’t i understand? Explain it.”

“No; trust me, you wouldn’t get it.”

(agitated) “Let me be the judge of that, just tell me!”

“I’M A WOMAN!”

This is followed by dead silence. Aaaaand SCENE.

Now, i don’t know if i actually am a woman. I wasn’t raised to be one and while i have felt occasionally dysphoric (at least that’s what it seemed to be), i don’t generally feel like i should be the opposite of what i was assigned. At most i feel like i just shouldn’t have been assigned any gender and left to make up my own mind about it (wouldn’t that be nice). If i were to pick anything at this point i’d say i was pretty gender neutral, but my issue with even saying that is that everything that i would say defines my gender is completely external.

I bellydance, i like wearing “opposite” gender clothing, i carry myself in a way that is sometimes perceived to be feminine when it’s not simply functional or utilitarian, i don’t like (and often remove) my body hair, i prefer to move gracefully whenever possible, i’m very nurturing, i love children, when it comes to physicality, while i value strength, i prefer flexibility and aesthetics, i’m detail oriented in many ways. When it comes to my body, generally like what i see, and even those things i would want to change to be more “feminine,” are only so that they’d look like what society has told us is feminine, and when these things intersect with my sexuality and desires, i don’t think to myself that i would like to have different genitalia (though that would be fascinating) because as i said earlier, the contact with another person is more important to me than the orgasm (i can get those anywhere and i do just fine with what i have). Maybe i’m over-thinking or trying to dig too deep, but the fact is that none of what i’ve enumerated here speaks to the idea that my “inner being” or my “true nature” is actually a woman instead of a man. And even the idea that i would have to pick one or the other bothers me, because the only reason i would do so is to make other people less confused. If i were a cisgender woman adding attributes, interests or activities to my life that people consider masculine, very few people would worry that i wasn’t being a “real woman.” But when a cisgender man is doing so-called feminine things, he’s a blight on society and is everything wrong with the world today (and i’m not even going to bring my blackness into it; that’s a whole separate blog entry). In the end i’d like to just be a person with interests that are my own, and don’t call my gender into question because my gender shouldn’t matter. But of course, it does matter to everyone else (save for a few people for whom i’m thankful), so i feel stuck with this need to label myself just so i can feel comfortable around people when i just want to wear a skirt and be comfortable.

Anyway, i dunno. Lots swirling around in there.

47 (Sex With Black People)

February 2, 2012

So, i did a thing.

I’ve noticed recently that even though there are many forms of media that are conversational and informative as well. But terribly few discuss sex, sexuality, gender, and kink from the perspective of people of color.

So i decided to start a podcast in order to do just that.

Sex With Black People is my new podcast, with the goal of addressing the aforementioned issues, and how they affect the black and other POC communities. I hope to include interviews eventually, but for the first few episodes it;ll just be me talking about things i’ve been researching, and probably a couple of book reviews.

Anyway, give it a listen, and let me know what you think! Also, drop a comment or an email (the address is in the podcast ep) to let me know what you’d like to hear in future episodes.

46 (things)

January 14, 2012

I’m having one of those moments where i feel like i’ll never get what i want out of my sex life, for all kinds of reasons. Some reasons are legitimate obstacles that need to be worked out one way or another, and others might just be in my head.

My kinks as a bottom and my wife’s kinks as a top don’t really line up. There’s some crossover, and the fact that as a top she’s pure sadist helps, but when i’ve discussed my needs with her, the fact that they’re *needs* is a barrier to her. I’ve yet to discuss many such things with other partners (potential and kinetic), because the timing doesn’t really feel right to me yet. But as i’m trying to be more honest with myself and with others, as per my new years resolution, i’m going to have to start speaking up.

I feel as though i’m running up against barriers in the scene in general as well. As i’m not a white, bisexual, thin cisgender woman, i’m not the ideal bottom for like 95% of the tops out there, in my estimation. Not to say that play is unavailable to me, but i can’t just walk into a play party at this point in my social development and expect people to want to play with me just on GP. As a queer, black, cisgender man who often cross-dresses in scene-space, my options are limited without a LOT of effort on my part before ever walking thru the door. And knowing that this is the hand i’ve been dealt doesn’t do much for my self esteem when such efforts come up fruitless. Doubly so when i can’t (thus far) get what i need at home.

In non-kink areas, when it comes to sex and just physical affection in general, i don’t get anywhere NEAR enough. I’m already a very skin-hungry person; i need (there’s that word again) to be touched in a way that lets me know that i’m loved (or at least liked and appreciated), and it’s not often that it happens. Bottom (no pun intended) line is that I need to be on the receiving end of things. I don’t want to kiss, i want to BE kissed. I don’t to touch, i want to BE touched. When it comes to penetrative sex of any kind, no matter who’s penetrating whom i don’t want to fuck, i want to BE fucked (h/t to Maymay for the terminology, cuz it’s perfect). I don’t know why that need is so prevalent, but it’s there.

Maybe i just want to feel like i’m wanted? I think that might be it, and that’s something that’s been around for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time.

Part of me knows that these things will change as time progresses. I’m being a lot more active in the scene this year, and getting to know a lot more people (gaining social capital). Eventually my number of play partners will increase and some of these needs will be satisfied, if temporarily. Another part of me wants to give up and not bother putting forth the effort, but i’m trying to shut him up because he’s had too much of a say in too many areas of life and i’m about tired of being jealous of the rest of the world.

I have to keep going with this. It’s WAY too early to call it quits. I’m really tired right now and recent events have left me, though determined, tense and frustrated.

But tomorrow is another day, and i got shit to do. Raaaarrrrr… or something.