63: Winter Fire, chapter 9 – Reflection

May 2, 2014

Sunday morning proved to be less lazy than Saturday. Jenn and i pulled ourselves out of bed and threw some clothes on so that we could attend a very relaxed and informative foot and hand massage class. As expected, she got a lot out of it, both via sensation and education. I fared no differently, as i learned new techniques, refined some of what i knew already, and got to be on the receiving end for a while. Overall, a very nice way to start the morning. This was followed by a spanking class, which was more upbeat and fun, which i attended with my queerfriend Abel. Unfortunately, this class was not as hands-on as either of us had hoped: i really wanted to have Abel as my demo bottom so that i could practice new things on them, but oh well. One fun thing, though, was that i got to demonstrate my very thuddy forearm technique that i’d used on Remy the night before. The instructor, as well as the rest of the class, seemed very impressed by this. It was really gratifying to show something that people hadn’t seen before, but also that i’d come up with it completely on my own, it worked, and people loved it! The demo bottom really liked the sensation as well, so i definitely consider it to be a success and will use it in future impact play sessions.

I had a bit of trepidation about the next play date on my agenda. I’d known Rose for a few years; she was one of the first people i’d met and befriended in the scene, and we got along quite well, but she always seemed kind of out of reach for me as someone to play with, for various reasons. Some of that i believe was a matter of my own personal development, overall shyness, and an inability to be direct, but also there was a fear (completely unfounded, as these things tend to be) that she was “out of my league” in one way or another. One way in which i was fairly certain that we did not connect was on a spiritual level, because at this point i essentially believe in nothing spiritual, and she is a very spiritual individual. But part of the point of our playdate was to expand my horizons a bit, so i was looking forward to things. Mostly i was looking forward to seeing how her spirituality played out in person.

The idea was to have a sexual healing ritual; in her line of spirituality, she’s a priestess of a love goddess, so it seemed right up her alley. When i first came to her with the idea (via the Sexscription), i knew that i didn’t want our playdate to just be sex. Especially since none of the playdates at Winter Fire were simply about what was going on in each scene, but about the other person involved (whether reconnecting, exploring something new, or being emblematic of something in our greater lives), i wanted to try something that might help me break out of my usual line of thinking. A sexual healing ritual with a pagan was certainly way outside of my usual brain space, so that fit pretty well.

In talking about the ritual before the event, i’d had all kinds of questions. I wasn’t sure that things would even work with a skeptic like myself, but i also wanted to make things as open and inviting as possible. What (if anything) should i wear? Are there colors associated with such things? Does the space need to be cleaned a certain way? Do i? I had more questions in my head than i actually ended up asking, but i did ask plenty. Based on the answers, i hade sure to bring a red (symbolizing sexuality and passion) bed sheet to use as a base, and a smaller blue (a color associated with healing) blanket to lay on top of it. My thought was that, since the healing was in the context of sex, having one color surrounded by the other (if in no other way than a design sense) would work best in the context. Anyway, by the time Rose was at my hotel room door, i was still nervous, but i figured i’d done as best i could with what i had.

I was intrigued by how she set up the space (or “cast the circle”). She re-purposed one of the hotel room’s end tables to use as an altar, laying down a decorated tapestry, and placing a bowl full of water on top, with candles around it. They were then lit, and with each, she said a short prayer. As someone who’s never seen anything other than a Christian ritual of any type outside of a fantasy film, this was a fascinating thing to observe. She called this her magic mirror, and to add to the effect, she added glitter to the bowl. To be honest this seemed overly whimsical and a bit silly, but also perfectly in character for her, and as i said, i was trying to keep an open mind.

We started off by giving each other massages (seems to be a popular thing, no?), since we were both tired and a bit sore from previous activities that weekend. It helped us both relax and break the ice a bit. There was so light chit chat, and again, being on he receving end was very nice, but soon it was time to actually *do the thing.* Said thing was, again, not what i expected. It was practically a therapy session with some ritual additions. Se asked me a lot of questions about my life and about what i wanted from it; how things have changed, the person i want to be, and more importantly, the reasons i want to be that person. I was surprised i could answer the questions without getting emotional, because we were touching on some very deep and personal things, some of which i’d never expressed even to my ACTUAL therapist. There was a part of me, as i expressed to her later on, that was hoping she could read my mind, and maybe pull out something i couldn’t actually bring myself to say, but that didn’t happen. Maybe it wasn’t really necessary? I dunno.

We moved from the altar to the bed, with the aforementioned sheet and blanket set up, and the psychological aspect of the scene gave way to the physical. Rose and i both are people who enjoy kissing a GREAT deal, so once the kissing began, it was the primary focus of our interaction for a very long time.

I find it difficult to describe the sex; i don’t want to do it the disservice of merely giving a play-by-play type account, but i also don’t want to muddy it up with flowery language. I’ll simply describe it this way: vigorous, intense, and (a word i don’t use lightly) primal. There’s usually a kind of “feeling your way” with a new partner, but we seemed to sync up pretty well in a lot of ways. I’m going to operate on the assumption that this is due to her sexual confidence and the fact that we’d known each other for a while so generally each knew what the other was about. But also the kissing. Everything else seemed to flow from that.

We took a shower afterward to clean off the sweat, cum and oil, and set about the task of returning the hotel room to looking like an actual hotel room again. Once accomplished, we hugged, kissed again, and said our goodbyes for the moment, and i was left alone in my hotel room to contemplate what had just happened.

Here’s where things actually got more interesting.

Once alone, i was hit with this wave of emotion that i couldn’t really describe, then or now. All i knew was that it was very important that i see Jenn RIGHT THEN. I texted her immediately and very nearly demanded that she come back to the room. Apparently i sounded so urgent that she was afraid i was going to break up with her, but nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is that a lot of emotions had been exposed via the ritual (which means it was, i suppose, successful in its aim), and it wasn’t until afterward that my brain decided to just hit me in the face with them all at once. What transpired once Jenn arrived was a very emotional and heartfelt conversation about our relationship, the potential future at the time and what that would mean for us, and our feelings about it. We both ended up crying, but the end result was, in my mind, a solidification of what our relationship was and how it would be going forward, which was all very good things.

This conversation was, at least symbolically, a precedent for things to come later that night. There was still at least ten hours left at the event, and a lot was about to happen.

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