54 It’s been a long time.

January 1, 2014

It’s been almost a year since i’ve written anything on this blog. I see as i look thru my WP dashboard that i have some drafts in here, and i don’t think that they’ll ever see the light of day, since they are all at least a year and a half old.

So, it’s 2014 now and I’ve officially had the WORST beginning to ANY year, EVER. It can only get better over the course of the next 364.75 days. There’s backstory for this of course, so i’ll give you, dear readers, the short version.

My wife of seven years is divorcing me. This has, as one might imagine, caused an emotional storm inside me that rages to this day. It’s made me fearful for all of my relationships, suspicious of any new ones that come along, including friendships, and i feel like i live in an almost constant state of worry that everyone is going to leave me and i’m going to die in a ditch in the middle of nowhere and no one will care or remember me. This culminated this morning, where i checked out one of my social networks and saw a cryptic status update from my girlfriend at a New Years Eve party (poly, remember), which caused me to get so freaked out that i literally, ACTUALLY SHAT MYSELF, in my bed.

I CANNOT live like this anymore.

I cannot be so focused on others that i lose myself.

I cannot be so focused on others that i don’t take care of myself.

I cannot continue to give to others at the expense of myself.

I cannot continue to be so displeased with myself that i rely on others to lift me up. No entity in this world or any other is that reliable.

And i CANNOT get so upset about others that i SHIT MYSELF.

I must build myself up so that my relationships with others are based on CHOICE, both mine and theirs, not NEED from any party.

Suffice to say that 2014 will be a rebuilding year. I have to go thru all this legal stuff wit the divorce, and it’s going to be ugly, because i’m going to fight for everything i can get out of it. I gave up 7 years of my life to this woman.

I hastily quit school when i was on my way to a degree in my chosen career field, which fucked up the future i was building in ways that are still affecting me financially, and emotionally.

When I saw the opportunity to put myself back on the path, i gave it up in the name of “supporting her” and we had a child whom i love dearly but who was ill-timed, and really could have waited another 18 months until i had completed the certificate program hat would have put me and us both in a better financial position to be supporting a child in the first place, but OH NO i had to go and shrink away from my better judgment because i didn’t want to fight and have resentment build. And the kicker is that it did build, just in me and not in her.

Ever since then it’s been one setback after another. Shitty job after shitty job, me not standing up for myself because i didn’t make enough money to feel like i had any leverage, and constantly letting her control things because i felt like i never had any. It wasn’t true, i CEDED control to her out of fear. And now all of her decisions about our relationship have come full circle and i’m being kicked OUT.

Fun thing, she decided that our relationship was no longer worth continuing RIGHT AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. which was also right after i’d finally come out of the closet as poly, queer and genderqueer. I was riding a high of liberation and openness only to be shot down into an abyss of loneliness and fear. And then she went to live with her boyfriend and took our child with her.

So, here i am, picking up the pieces.

It’s got to get better.

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