48 (3 things on my mind)

March 22, 2012

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and it’s all been kind of jumbled together, so i’m going to attempt to make some sense of it here. If this ends up being a long rambly thing, i apologize in advance, but i’m going to try and keep it at least SEMI organized. So, stuff on my mind…

Sex:

It seems that lately my sex drive has increased. I’m not sure what the contributing factors are, and maybe this has always been the case, and i’m only recently paying more attention to it. But i feel like i’ve been wanting sex WAY more than before. Certainly i’ve always wanted more sex than i’ve gotten and there was a considerable drop in sexual activity since my daughter came into the picture, but now i’m chomping at the bit practically every day. No amount of masturbation sates me for very long, which leads me to believe that this is just an increase in what i’ve always lacked, which is human contact.

One reason that i’m pretty sure that it’s a human (skin to skin) contact issue is because about two weeks ago, as part of a grander experiment, i went to a play party in a cute outfit with a blindfold and this sign:

I sat down in a chair in a fairly high traffic area of the party and it was barely five minutes before i was beset upon with kisses and all manner of attention from just about everybody at the party (there were about 75-90 people in attendance). Two hours later, i had a sore tongue (which seems to have only JUST recovered), a huge smile on my face, a pleasant happy-hormone high, and when i went home, it was the first time in a REALLY long time that i actually felt physically *sated*. It was also the first time in a long time that i’d felt desired, which is a big thing, given some stuff i’ll talk about in a later entry. The only problem with this situation is that now that i realize that it’s possible to get what i feel like i need, i’m becoming very impatient. Also, since i did receive so much attention that night, it’s like the seal is broken and i need more.

Another thing is that when i actually have had sex, it’s been since a while since it’s been the kind of sex that i feel i need with the people that i love. While there is a silver lining to this, that being that i’ve been experimenting and discovering more and varied types of sex that i like, and there’s no shortage of orgasmic release regardless, there’s a certain core element missing, and this goes back to the whole “human contact” thing i was saying earlier. Something i’ve noticed looking back over the course of my life as far as i can remember, is that touch has always been important to me, on a really deep, visceral level. It was so extreme at one point when i was younger that i had sexual physical reactions to dogs licking my hands (aaaawwwwkwaaaaarrrddd…). While i’ve, thankfully, grown past that, i still crave touch on an only slightly lower level than food. I’ve heard this called “skin hunger” before, and described as a deficiency in oxytocin levels in the body which is relieved by skin to skin contact. Yeah, i’d believe it. But it doesn’t matter what you call it, the fact is that i’m not satisfied in this area for very long if at all.

I’ve been feeling pretty slutty lately and i wonder if this has something to do with it. Like i’m at some kind of breaking point and i’ve decided that my fear and anxiousness over social interactions is no longer enough to keep me from going out and just fucking EVERYONE. Not sure, exactly, but something’s got to give, because if this keeps going, i’m going to explode.

Speaking of fucking everyone…

Sexuality:

It was only about a year and a half ago that i fully realized and came to grips with the fact that i wasn’t straight. As you may know from reading the most recent version of my user manual i use the term “queer” to describe my sexuality at current, because it clearly defines me as not straight but after that stays good and nebulous. The reason for this is because i’m still trying to figure it all out.

My makeout corner actually came in pretty handy for this. One thing i noticed about it all, once i got over the nervous anticipation and subsequent excitement and relief that people actually DID want to partake of me in such a way, was my own reactions to people as they came up and did whatever they wanted to do to me. One thing i noticed was my lack of sexual arousal toward what i perceived to be more masculine types. Since i was couldn’t see, i had to rely on the rest of my senses (especially sounds and touch), and what i found was that scruffy faces on my face REALLY don’t work for me. Stubble hurts in the bad way, y’all. Combine this with the fact that most people who were sporting stubble or more were rather forceful and even a bit clumsy in the kissing department (and would use force in a way to disguise the clumsy, it seemed). There were more than a few who would pin me down, but it was only a very rare one who would do so in a way that i found to be hot; the rest just had me thinking “Dude, get off my face.” On the other hand, when it came to those whom i perceived to be more feminine, i definitely felt a higher level of sexual arousal. I’m not sure if this was a strictly physiological, chemical reaction to sensation and signals my body was receiving, or if i was, on some level, thinking “i attribute femininity to this person for whatever reason and thus this person is more sexually attractive to me.”

There were a few seemingly more concrete things that i did discover about myself thru this, though:
– Certain types of sensation were arousing regardless of perceived gender. For instance while kisses on my lips were hit or miss, kisses anywhere else resulted in the same positive reaction from me. Similarly, biting, nibbling, scratching, massaging, etc on my neck or anywhere else other than my lips resulted in the same positive reaction from me, regardless of who did it. This leads me to believe that within certain parameters, even when i CAN see, the sensation itself is the more important thing to me, not the gender of the person providing it. This is similar to my reaction to sensation thru BDSM play.

– When i’m on bottom or otherwise designated the receiver, i’m much more receptive (lol, redundant), physically and psychologically to any sensation brought my way, regardless of the gender of the person bringing it. I wonder if my brain says “you’re getting what you want, don’t worry about who’s giving it; DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH, YOU FOOL!” or something. Leads me to the classic Margaret Cho bit: “Am i gay??? Am i straight??? Nope, i’m just slutty.” Though in my case it makes me think more like “i’m just desperate.”

These will require more looking into. But hey, there are plans in motion for that.

Gender:

As with anything that is an aspect of one’s existence and how one relates to the world, i don’t think i’ll ever really figure this out, especially since it was once so grounded and is now so up in the air.

In attempt to make this sound less weird i’m going to preface this by saying that i have always had a VERY active imagination that has often run away with me. I can feel the emotion of imaginary characters (in movies or any media and my own mind) so strongly that it can affect my mood for hours depending on how strongly i relate to said characters. So when the character in an imaginary scenario is ME, it’s that much stronger. That being said…

I have a recurring daydream where i come home frustrated and muttering to myself and i slam the door upon entry. My brother-in-law, whom we live with and is always trying to be a peacemaker, makes some comment about how the door didn’t do anything to me. I then respond angrily, saying that the door will live, my frustration is not his business, and that he wouldn’t understand what i’m upset about anyway (he’s not really in the loop about gender and sexuality issues/politics/stuff). He pushes the issue: “Try me.”

“No way, you wouldn’t get it.”

“What wouldn’t i get? You’ve been freaking out for months and you never talk to me.”

“I don’t talk to you about this because i already know that you wouldn’t understand!”

“What wouldn’t i understand? Explain it.”

“No; trust me, you wouldn’t get it.”

(agitated) “Let me be the judge of that, just tell me!”

“I’M A WOMAN!”

This is followed by dead silence. Aaaaand SCENE.

Now, i don’t know if i actually am a woman. I wasn’t raised to be one and while i have felt occasionally dysphoric (at least that’s what it seemed to be), i don’t generally feel like i should be the opposite of what i was assigned. At most i feel like i just shouldn’t have been assigned any gender and left to make up my own mind about it (wouldn’t that be nice). If i were to pick anything at this point i’d say i was pretty gender neutral, but my issue with even saying that is that everything that i would say defines my gender is completely external.

I bellydance, i like wearing “opposite” gender clothing, i carry myself in a way that is sometimes perceived to be feminine when it’s not simply functional or utilitarian, i don’t like (and often remove) my body hair, i prefer to move gracefully whenever possible, i’m very nurturing, i love children, when it comes to physicality, while i value strength, i prefer flexibility and aesthetics, i’m detail oriented in many ways. When it comes to my body, generally like what i see, and even those things i would want to change to be more “feminine,” are only so that they’d look like what society has told us is feminine, and when these things intersect with my sexuality and desires, i don’t think to myself that i would like to have different genitalia (though that would be fascinating) because as i said earlier, the contact with another person is more important to me than the orgasm (i can get those anywhere and i do just fine with what i have). Maybe i’m over-thinking or trying to dig too deep, but the fact is that none of what i’ve enumerated here speaks to the idea that my “inner being” or my “true nature” is actually a woman instead of a man. And even the idea that i would have to pick one or the other bothers me, because the only reason i would do so is to make other people less confused. If i were a cisgender woman adding attributes, interests or activities to my life that people consider masculine, very few people would worry that i wasn’t being a “real woman.” But when a cisgender man is doing so-called feminine things, he’s a blight on society and is everything wrong with the world today (and i’m not even going to bring my blackness into it; that’s a whole separate blog entry). In the end i’d like to just be a person with interests that are my own, and don’t call my gender into question because my gender shouldn’t matter. But of course, it does matter to everyone else (save for a few people for whom i’m thankful), so i feel stuck with this need to label myself just so i can feel comfortable around people when i just want to wear a skirt and be comfortable.

Anyway, i dunno. Lots swirling around in there.

2 Responses to “48 (3 things on my mind)”

  1. Lucie Le Blanc said

    I am touch starved too. People in my life tended to use the lack of touch as a way to control or punish me. It began with my mother who was very violent and wouldn’t touch me for weeks just to punish me. That almost made me crave her beating…Then my ex : he refused me sex for 5 years. Near the end, he wouldn’t even kiss me anymore. Through it all, I remained faithful but I had some close calls which I regret not having act on.

    The day he threw me away, my libido awoke and since then I can’t have enough of touch. Even if I masturbate every day, I still feel hungry and unsatisfied. I have tried sex with men to release the hunger but it doesn’t work. Most men I met just wanted in and out and didn’t care much about kissing or caressing. They just did it as a prelude to be “in and out” and it showed.

    I am not that young anymore and my body is not what it was… and my hunger is still growing and growing. I just want to find me some nice people that will take the time to touch and kiss and don’t look at me like a freak. Yeah, people do that to me… being 6’2″ and built like a wrestler has been a plague all my life. As if tall and big people do not need to feel protected…

    Rejection because of what my body looks like has been a real torture for me this last year. And as I am growing older every day, I am so afraid I will die without knowing what it is to be satisfied.

    • I feel this.

      There was a passage written somewhere and quoted in many place by this point where a woman was asked hat she thought of foreplay and she replied: “FOREplay? It’s ALL play!” It’s something i’ve tried to integrate into my encounters and in general it’s worked as far as my own thought process when it comes to sex, but it doesn’t line up with too many other people; they tend to be “all business.”

      I think ideally i want “make-out cuddle-sex;” at least when i think about what i feel i need to be completely satisfied as far as sex AND touch. I think it could be done (doesn’t seem unreasonable) just gotta find the right person or combination of people.

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