43 (“Complete?”)

November 29, 2011

So, last night my therapist asked me if i felt more “complete” after my #TeamNoPants weekend at the GKE. I hadn’t really thought about it.

While i was excited to wear skirts the whole weekend and definitely had fun doing so, i think that i was so wrapped up in it that i hadn’t given much thought to how it really felt to me, gender-wise. I do remember feeling a little awkward at first, but that subsided after about fifteen minutes and after that i really wasn’t thinking about how i was dressed unless certain realities forced me to (like the fact that leather seats can be really cold on my mostly bare ass).

So “do i feel more complete?” I don’t know. I do feel much better knowing for certain that i have a kind of outlet; kink events such as these are really open and accepting to just about everything, so not feeling like i had to explain myself to anyone was just really liberating. It;s not even that i don’t like talking about gender, it’s just that i worry that people aren’t going to get it. At kink even, a fair amount of people at least KINDA get it. My therapist put it really well, actually (paraphrasing): “The clothes aren’t really the point; they’re just an outward expression of what’s going on with in your head, that you’d like to express but have a hard time with. In such an accepting crowd, you don’t have that kind of pressure to explain yourself, because people can look at you, see what you’re wearing and apply whatever they know about genderqueer issues (or even just a cross-dressing fetish, if that’s what they know) to you, and go on their way without giving a second look. That has to feel like there’s a lot less pressure.” That sounds about right, to me.

I think that i might feel more of a sense of “completion” if i were to come out to my family, or wear a skirt in a really public space, or at a family gathering or some such, because there’d be a kind of confrontational feel to it (whether there was any kind of actual confrontation or not). Those kinds of situations would require a great deal more courage just because of the fact that, with my family and their religious beliefs in particular, i’d be facing a figurative firing squad of commentary and questioning, not to mention that they’d probably want to try and pray the queer out of me or something at the very least. Worst case of course, they’d try to take my daughter and i’m just not ready to deal with that level of possibility. Now if i were to go thru a situation like that and come out on the other side, whatever the repercussions, i’d say fairly definitively that i’d feel more complete because i would truly not be hiding from anyone.

I can’t say that i’m really there yet, though. So, i dunno. 50% complete, maybe?

One Response to “43 (“Complete?”)”

  1. Grace said

    I know what you mean :/ Hiding is stressful but in so many ways can be absolutely necessary.

    Sounds like you have a good therapist!

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