37 (wants and needs)

July 17, 2011

Been thinking about what i want and need in my relationships. Since they’re poly relationships (and since i’m a poly n00b since my wife and i haven’t really been active until this year), they are naturally more complicated.

One thing that i have not done is define parameters for my relationships. In some cases this may mean giving them a name (boyfriend, girlfriend, dating, FWB, fuck-buddies, etc). In all cases, named or not, this means outlining the boundaries of my relationships and negotiating the terms of them. This is of course subjective to each relationship, but there are a few things that i need in all of them, including with my wife.

The first thing that i need is to be at least acquainted with metamours. If i can meet them and get to know them, even if i don’t necessarily like them and want to hang out, it alleviates feelings of jealousy on my part and that alone allows me to relax from very early on. Keeps me from getting all tight-chested and upset when i hear about them later on in conversation/online updates. Even better if i actually become friends with them, and have a friendly relationship aside from my paramour. If a metamour also becomes a type of paramour, that’s a whole different ball of wax. Hasn’t happened, but i suppose i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it. Anyway i need communication (whether actual or digital) with metamours. I’d also like to spend time with paramours and metamours at the same time.

In the relationship itself, like i said two entries ago, scheduling’s a big deal. It would be anyway, but since poly relationships deal with more than just the typical two people, it’s important. I need to make plans and i need them to be stuck to. Naturally, life gets in the way and things happen, so when these things happen i need communication. Like i said in #35, it should be common courtesy, but much like common sense, it isn’t. Also, like in #35, i need consistency. Regular hangouts/dates/together time is important. At the very least i need to know that another hangout/date/etc is forthcoming, even if plans are tentative.

I also need to know the rules, between me and my paramour, and metamours/primaries. Are the rules hard and fast or are they more like the pirate code and are merely guidelines? Either way I still need to know them. For example, am i allowed to sleep in bed or only on the couch? For that matter are sleepovers a no go? What is the level of physical intimacy that is allowed? Is there a BDSM component and to what extent? Is PDA ok? Also, though such things are nebulous, what level of emotion is involved? What makes things uncomfortable? What are roadblocks and red flags? What are absolute deal-breakers? If sex is involved, what kinds of protection are preferable? Etc, etc, etc. Naturally things change as relationships develop, so these can be talked about often and at length, though ideally they should be brought up early on just to establish a baseline.

As for wants, well there are plenty. I always want hugs and cuddles and kisses out of relationships, as well as just good times in general. But the only way to keep the good times going is to make sure that the needs are met first, and that there is a reasonable foundation.

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