36 (Sex is not Love)

July 16, 2011

I’ve been very lonely lately and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the things I need in my life to remove that loneliness.

In need more friends, first of all, and not just online (not to take away from my online friends, but i can’t just go hang with them). That’s slowly improving. I’m meeting people thru my few current friends, and they’ve all turned out to be really cool so far. With said friends comes conversation, laughs, nerdyness and an overall feeling of camaraderie. So that’s moving along slowly, but surely.

On a similar tack but slightly to the left of it, I need poly/kinky friends. I’ve been meeting them as well, and that’s been fun too. There’s a fair amount of crossover here, as they also tend to be quite nerdy. So yay! Two birds. Also, they have a tendency to be more open and understanding about my changing tastes/moods/desires regarding my gender presentation. So, woohoo, triple threat blue birds! (if you get THAT reference, you and I SHOULD be friends, if we’re not already).

On a completely different level, and running much deeper than the aforementioned, I need to feel loved. The previous two situations let me know that I am liked and accepted, and that’s great, and definitely necessary. But I also need to feel loved and this requires a kind of intimacy rarely found in the previous two circles (though more in the second than the first).

To feel loved, I need people in my life who, first of all, like me and accept everything about me. Again, more likely in the second circle. The second thing I need is physical intimacy. Here’s where things get tricky.

Physical intimacy means many different things to many different people, but the first thing that comes to mind for most people is, of course, sex, and under that umbrella most typically, sexual intercourse of some kind. I’m going to stick with that very narrow definition for a moment, to say this:

As much as I like and enjoy sex and the release of orgasm, it is not a need, per se.

The reason for this is that sex in and of itself does not make me feel loved. It is merely an extension. The physical intimacy that I require to feel loved is far less risky, but far more complicated, and for some reason, also far less available.

For me, one aspect of physical intimacy is kissing (from a peck on the cheek all the way to makeout-type kissing). For some people this is INFINITELY more intimate than sex. For me it isn’t more intimate, but it is far more integral. Kissing is something relatively simple that can be done as a greeting, as a farewell, it can be done in joy or in sorrow, as a comfort, as a sexual wind-up or as a wind-down. And so on, and so on, and so on. There are so many variations on the types of kisses, just in the realm of face-to-face, mouth to mouth contact, that it should be it’s own physical discipline, IMHO. Anyway, for me this is at the very top of the list. When I am kissed, I feel loved.

A very close second, almost to the point of being a tie for first is touching. This is so varied that i don’t know if I have the ability to articulate everything about it, but I’ll discuss one particular aspect, and that is skin-to-skin contact. For one, this in particular necessitates a higher level of comfort among the individuals present (YMMV), because nudity of some type is likely involved, and plus some people just don’t like to be touched. For me, the more touching the better, and the more varied it is, the better. And of course, given the fact that i’d never wear anything if I didn’t have to, the more skin the better.

For me, it reaches something deep inside me to be touched, even idly. It’s also very important when in a “romantic” or sexual context, to be touched in “non-erogenous” areas (quotes used because both are subjective). One area that is so neglected that my nerves are practically on fire is my back. I like to feel ANYTHING on my back, and I have yet to find, save for bodily waste, anything that I wouldn’t want someone to touch my back with. You could rub, scratch, scrape, tickle, massage, caress, hit or otherwise touch my back with literally anything and I will enjoy it, even if I cringe at first. I mean this head to toe, btw. From where my would-be hairline ends, all the way to my heels. My back is just so neglected. If someone really spends some quality time with my back, I will feel loved.

Also in the realm of touching is hugging and cuddling. I love to be held and be idly touched. It feels safe, and secure, and it relaxes me immensely. This can be done with or without clothes (as stated, without is ALWAYS better), but either way, when I’m cuddled, I feel loved.

These are just three physical things that make feel loved, and whole. These can be taken with or without sex. Naturally they are a physical turn on, and an orgasmic (and in my case, ejaculatory) release will become physically necessary after a prolonged period, but I don’t need that via the hand (or whatever) of the other person to feel loved, nor do I consider that to be their responsibility. Of course, orgasm is awesome, and sex (whether manual or penetrative) is fabulous, and there is a kind of connection there that is on a whole different level, but it’s not what makes me feel loved. It’s these other types of physical intimacy that do that for me. As i said before, sex is an extension.

Without them, or when they are in short supply, I begin to feel lonely and disconnected. When I go without for a prolonged period of time, that disconnection… Well, suffice to say that it’s very unpleasant. It’s like an aggravated wound. Reintroducing them is what heals me, and sustains me in that way.

I don’t NEED sex. I WANT sex, sure, but for the most part, for that kind of release I can just masturbate.

I NEED physical intimacy.

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