35 (Communication and Consistency)

July 14, 2011

In a previous entry there’s a bit where i talk about communication in my dating life. It is incredibly important that anyone i’m trying to date, or even just hang out with for any reason, return phone calls, text messages and emails (or any form of correspondence) for these reasons:

It should be common courtesy.

It lets me know that you care at least enough to respond to me, even if it’s to say “don’t contact me anymore.”

It helps me to discern a pattern of behavior. If I know, for instance, that you are a busy person, I’ll know not to expect a returned text message or whatever right away. If you typically DO respond quickly, when that pattern is broken, I can safely assume there’s an issue of some type. Also, when the connection is reestablished, I can assume a likely “sorry for the delay”-type message. But again, if that doesn’t happen, and the rapid response pattern resumes, that allows me to understand your personality. If you are one who responds consistently but not quickly, I understand to expect a response, but in only in due time, and I find security in that. Also if i see that you’re wishy washy about correspondence it lets me know that we probably aren’t going to be seeing each other very much.

In general, I find security in consistency. When things are not consistent, patterns are broken, or plans are changed, I get anxious. If I have fair warning/communication (i’m talking to you, most recent former place of employment) that something is going to change, that anxiety is partially alleviated, but it will still take time for me to get used to it especially if a new pattern is being established as opposed to a temporary or one time change.

I’ve found that i need consistency in my life in general. Anybody could say this, but it’s been one of those things that i’ve found to be so important lately, it’s actually a little unnerving. It’s not to the point where i need a rigid hard and fast daily schedule (a la the Clock King), but i do like patterns and a reasonable amount of structure. For a long time, i ate the same thing for lunch every day. When i go to Chipotle, i get the same kind of burrito EVERY time. I eat the same cereal every morning for months at a time. I wear very similar clothes every day. I’ve used the same deodorant for YEARS (that’s kinda typical, actually). Point is, i do a lot of the same things and have done a lot of the same things for years and years, because i take a great deal of comfort in the sameness of it all. I do like breaking out of my shell on occasion and i have fun with it, but only because i’m dictating said shell-breaking.

One of the reasons polyamory works for me is because i have a very solid, consistent, home-base relationship. My relationship with my wife, whatever staticky moments we may have (and trust, we’ve had some) is easily the most consistent thing in my life. I have a great deal of safety and security in that relationship. Whatever outside interests either of us have, we both can always come back to each other to commiserate, or seek advice, or just to check in with each other. Of course, we also love each other very much and are primarily sexually interested in each other. So even if we are sexually interested in someone else, it doesn’t preclude our love and horniness for each other. If this weren’t the case, i don’t think polyamory would work for me at all. I’d be too worried that she’d leave me for someone else. I think this is one of the main reasons i get jealous when someone else i’m dating/seeing is also dating/flirting with/making out with/whatevering with other people, especially if i don’t know or particularly like the other person/people. So far, i’ve not felt as secure in any other relationship as i do with my wife, so i’m constantly worried that i’m not enough for my paramour. It doesn’t matter what goes on with said paramour when we’re together, or what that paramour says about our relationship. Until i get to a place where i feel secure in my relationship with said paramour, i will be jealous, and fearful, and get all tight-chested when i see them with someone else. The only time this doesn’t happen is with a paramour’s own husband/wife/LTR. Btw, this is all a fairly recent discovery, which i am only just now articulating.

Anyway, the message returning has been an issue with my attempts at polyamory. There have been MANY attempts to meet people, and establish new relationships with people, and they’ve all fallen off because people DON’T REPLY TO EMAILS. I haven’t figured out why this happens. If i go thru my OKC inbox, every email stream ends with my email being the last one, attempting to carry on the conversation. At some point, the other person just decides that i’m no longer worth contacting. Even if things are (at least as far as i can tell) moving right along and the conversation is going well, and me and whoever it is are connecting, at some point it just STOPS. It’s never because i lose interest, or say the wrong thing (i’m VERY careful about that; i always take my cues from the other person). The other person just STOPS. I can’t begin to tell you how much that pisses me off. If the person’s not interested, i get it, but i guess i just don’t understand how you can’t say “hey you seem like a cool person, and i’m sorry but i’m not interested in dating you.” I dunno. It’s just like when someone just stops calling. It’s just fucking rude!

I think i take issue with this because an ex of mine decided, after a year, to just not call. Now it’s become the kind of thing i’ll actually go after people about. I mean seriously, she decided, after a year, after talk of love and marriage, in the span of about two weeks, that i was no longer worth SPEAKING to.

So maybe this all stems from bitterness, but seriously, it’s not that hard to call/email/text someone back. If you’re worried that whatever you have to say is going to hurt me, then just say it and get it over with so i’m not waiting, thinking that everything is ok when it isn’t, or suspecting that something might be wrong and feeling like i’m just being paranoid. I have enough self-doubt in my life without you poking at it and fueling my lack of confidence in my own instincts.

OK, this went places i didn’t quite expect.

2 Responses to “35 (Communication and Consistency)”

  1. This entire post speaks to me in ways that you can’t even imagine. Your first paragraph is my main thing with any relationship. It’s common fucking courtesy!

    I so get what you’re saying. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me I’d rather they just said so than ignoring me. I think I’ve proven I’m a strong person. I’m not so starved for anyone’s appreciation or affection for me that I’m just gonna go off the deep end if my relationship with that person ends.

    I don’t bullshit other people, and I expect the same courtesy. Great post!

  2. […] the relationship itself, like i said two entries ago, scheduling’s a big deal. It would be anyway, but since poly relationships deal with more […]

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