29 (semi-transcribed from a chat earlier today)

April 16, 2011

So, ever since i started bellydancing (six months ago) i’ve been looking at dresses.

I saw one i really like earlier today on the web. Don’t know where i can get it but i’ll look around. It’s basically an LBD, and it would do really well with this garter/legging set that i want to get off of etsy.

I wish i was a little more androgynous. i’d look better wearing these things. But the thing is, i LIKE my muscles; i don’t want to lose them. I’ve been in a fitness mode lately (despite the fact that i’m eating haagen dazs right now) and i’ve been more into slimming down/toning and tightening than building muscle, for this very reason. I do yoga with my bellydancing, and that’s supposed to help in the long lean muscle department, but what i need to just do is some heavy cardio to really take the fat off. My kung fu has always been good for that, and plus it makes my butt look nice too, with all the low stances, so i guess that’ll be the way to go for the time being. I don’t really have a lot of weight to lose, so it’s really just a matter of minor fat loss and spot muscle increase.

One thing is that i want to be able to “sell” the look, both when i’m masculine and when i’m femme: when i’m all dressed up for dancing i want it to look right. I don’t want to look like a “guy in a dress” exactly… I just want to look like what i’m wearing is the natural thing for me to be wearing. I want people to be like “oh, that suits his body really well” not “oh hey what’s with that dude in the dress?”

A lot of that comes across just with my attitude and confidence and whatnot, and i do walk differently when i’m all dressed up. I move my hips more, and i stand up straighter. I’m usually walking on my toes as well, which makes sense since i’m usually barefoot. So that works, and it femmes me up a bit.

It’s been suggested that i try makeup and wigs and stuff and while i REFUSE to wear a wig, makeup’s not out of the realm of possibility. I’d have to have somebody put it on me and see what i look like to see if it really would work for me. I know i don’t want to go overboard and pancake it on, but little things for accentuation, like eyeliner might not be bad.

The main thing is that i don’t want to be (or appear to be) dressed up as someone else. I want to be me. Just… prettier.

I found out that i like wearing dresses a few years ago. There was a large group camping where i got dared into wearing a dress my wife had brought, and i was comfortable in it because it was hot as balls, but i wasn’t really thinking about it at the time. Later, when i was home alone i put on one of her other dresses (some long stretchy slinky thing) and i was REALLY turned on by it. So it’s been in the back of my mind since then, and since i started bellydancing it’s become more of a realistic kind of thing. Wearing a dress, or, more appropriately, a skirt, is part of the “uniform” so i feel like i can get away with it more.

So the more i look at dresses and “women’s” clothes, the more i’m like “why the hell CAN’T i wear that?” It doesn’t have anything to do with wanting to be a woman. I’m pretty sure i’m not trans (but hey, i was pretty sure i didn’t like men and i was pretty sure i was monogamous, so we’ll see), but i think these things are sexy, and they turn me on, so why should i be unable to wear them just because i’m a guy?

One thing that gets me is that outside of the realm of dance, and some martial arts, guys aren’t allowed to be graceful. Because that’s a “girl” thing. But men ARE graceful. In almost anything physical, the best athletes are graceful as hell! But nobody thinks about the grace when Michael Jordan would dunk from the foul line, or when Jet Li flies thru the air and kicks a dude. Hell, EVERYTHING Jet Li does is graceful. Even when he’s just pounding the hell out of someone.

But anyway, there is plenty of grace that is distinctly masculine, and i guess that’s what i’m going for. Which is one reason i only like long dresses in a particular context, but that’s separate discussion. I like long skirts, cuz they can be loose and flowing and that’s good for dancing. Otherwise they have to have slits on both sides; i have to be able to move regardless.

Anyway, i’m working thru this stuff. it’s weird to try and reconcile, but the fact that i have bellydance as an excuse is kind of convenient. Certainly there is going to be a lot of stuff i end up buying/making/wearing just to show off my ass 😛 But hey, i have hips, i like to move them, i want to show them off, and overall, i have a nice body. I want to be able to showcase it the way i want to. And that’s the biggest thing.

Sadly, fetish events are the only place i can really do it, but i’ll take what i can get.

No Responses Yet to “29 (semi-transcribed from a chat earlier today)”

  1. […] my head being that the subject of my gender expression as come into question a bit. As related in entry #29 i like dresses. Matching skirts and tops, more specifically. Part of this is because i have to […]

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