21 (i dunno… maybe i suck?)

October 18, 2010

Ok, so i frequent a chat room on a certain site to which i have long been a member. There are lots of regulars in there, so we’re kinda friends… as much as one can be friends with someone you’ve never met and only ever see on a webcam because they live MANY miles away. Lately there’s been a lot of bad stuff going on in their lives and they’ve been going in there to unload. Nothing wrong with that, but that chat room is, more typically, for people to flash their naked bits and have sex and masturbate via webcam or audio. When that’s not happening, generally people are in there flirting or hitting on each other and it’s all fun and games.

I much prefer it that way.

With everybody unloading their sadness in there it’s a bit too much of a downer for me. As much as i need friends, i really want to keep things light and fun. I can’t handle all the bad stuff in other people’s lives. I’m barely handling my own life. Besides that, I have (the precious few) actual friends who i ACTUALLY know in person, with whom i share stories like that so that we can lift each other up. I really don’t feel up to spending that kind of energy on someone with whom i have almost no connection. Maybe if i knew these people better or had actually met them, or talked with them in ANY other way than thru that chat room, i’d feel more up to it, but in that case i’d actually care more.

Does that make me a bad person? The fact that, while i sympathize with their situation and i feel bad for them, i don’t really CARE?

I mean, if i cared, i’d put in more effort, right? I’d actually feel something when they say that they’re upset about something, wouldn’t i? I’d at least feel enough for them to say “I wish there was something i could do for you.” But i don’t.

Maybe because i don’t think they’d do the same for me. There’s only one person who frequents that chat room whom i actually care about, and share bad times (such as they are) with, and he reads this blog already (somewhere in my mind, he passed whatever subconscious litmus test). In that way, i CARE about him. I hate to think that it’s only because there’s a kind of reciprocity there, but i guess that’s where i am right now.

I’ve spent so much of my life giving and giving and giving of myself for people who never gave back. I know that’s not supposed to be the reason for one to give, but it’s so incredibly DRAINING. I’m just tired of being drained, i guess.

So, maybe that means i suck as a person, the fact that i need things reciprocated.

I’ll live.

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