20 (burgers, sarongs and ‘shrooms, oh my!)

October 14, 2010

So last night i hung out with my friend Ellie for the first time in a few months. I’ve talked about her before (though not by name) back in entry #7 as “the girl i used to work with who i really want to see naked.” Now, she’s modeled for me a couple of times, so i have seen her naked (and it was GREAT!) but of course now i want more and she’s pretty unavailable.

I went over to hang with her and her boyfriend (whom i mentioned in #14), who turns out to be pretty cool and very laid-back. He and i geek out about a lot of the same things, so when she wasn’t around, the conversation didn’t suddenly slow down or get awkward or anything. So that was ok. Anyway, we went down to the harbor to a bar and grill for their “burger night,” with a few other friends and let me just tell you, that was the shit. I’m definitely going there again, burger night or no. they have awesome food and i could totally go broke eating there. While we were there, Ellie and i had a little bit of alone time and i mentioned the whole naked thing again. It was a little awkward because i always get so nervous bringing things up, even among people i’m close with. It’s just an insecurity i have; I always feel like i’m going to scare them away (i think i’ve probably mentioned that before). Anyway, i brought up to her the fact that she and her boyfriend often don’t wear much around the house (they’d mentioned it before in passing), and how it had often crossed my mind, when planning a visit, to simply say “no need to get dressed on my account.”

Thankfully, she seemed to take it pretty well; probably because she’d already had a six pack over the course of the conversation we’d been having back at her place, and hell, she’d already modeled for me. She assured me that it was no big deal, and if i was coming over and we weren’t planning on going anywhere, clothing wouldn’t be that important to her, at least.

So we eat (again, AWESOME!), we stop by a liquor store for a few supplies (mostly for them) and we go back to their place to hang. When we get there, two interesting things happen. They break out a small bag of magic mushrooms (not a surprise, btw, she’d mentioned it about two hours prior) and after eating most of it and offering me the rest (more on that in a minute) Liz JUMPED up off the couch and excitedly suggested that we all get a little more comfortable. She then dashes upstairs and comes back down with a large armful of sarongs, which is their adornment of choice in the house. They each pick one, change into their chosen loungewear (she grabs a bikini top, and he a bathrobe) and i, even though this is the very thing i’d hoped for, somewhat timidly pick a sarong and disrobe.

It should be noted at this point that i was quite aroused, and sarongs do NOTHING to hide that.

Ellie offered me the tiny remains of the ‘shrooms, and after texting my wife to let her know everything that was going on, i took them. This is pretty much an inconsequential detail, because the tiny amount i had didn’t do anything to me that i could feel. I might as well have eaten a saltine.

Now, i feel that i should mention something at this point. I was, as you know if you’ve been reading this with any regularity that my writing allows, raised in a christian home. I no longer subscribe to the faith, but as as result of that upbringing, i have denied myself MANY things. Sex was the first thing to go, and i thank my wife for that because it’s the awesomest thing ever (but then, she’s the awesomest ever, so maybe that’s why). The next thing to go was alcohol consumption. Now, i’m not a big drinker, but lately i’ve been trying things out, because… hell i’m turning 35. If i can’t have a drink every now and then at this age, i might as well have stayed in high school (where everybody was already drinking anyway). Anyway, i don’t need it to have a good time, but where it’s available i’ll try it out and i’ve discovered that i like a few things. Rum and coke: not bad, might try it with spiced rum next time. Amaretto sour: very nice, also one of my wife’s favorites; four of those and she’ll actually dance with me. Electric lemonade (vodka and sprite): at the hands of someone who knows how to actually mix drinks, it’s probably way better than the crap i made. Point is, i’m actually trying things out. To whit, experimenting. My wife has joked that i’m all growed up now. 😛 So when the offer came to try ‘shrooms, i was naturally a little hesitant, but i measured my situation: i was with people i trust, they were taking from the same batch, and the boyfriend had been doing it for longer and knew what to expect. Also, the wife knew where i was, so if anything catastrophic were to happen, she knew where to find me. So i figured, what the hell. It was only a tiny bit, and if i didn’t like what happened, i never had to do it again. So i did it. Yay. I am actually curious to see what happens if i take more. We’ll see if they get any more.

Anyway back to the story.

We went upstairs to the dvd/vcr/entertainment room, i put in the sexy dvd i had brought over (they wanted to see it too, it’s a follow-up to one that they have) and we settled in to watch. Of course, as is the deal with shrooms, eventually i was the only one watching anything, because they started tripping. That in itself was quite a bit more entertaining than the dvd, and in the case of Ellie, a lot sexier. She was rolling around on the floor, writhing, giggling, moaning and breathing heavy. Two things came to mind at this point:

“Any chance she might roll out of what little she’s wearing?” and

“I could make make her do this without the drugs, believe me.”

That thought, the thought of me kissing her, suckling her, going down on her and fucking her, had me aroused yet further which actually put me in a rather uncomfortable position, figuratively and literally. This was further exacerbated when, in a particularly unguarded moment, she said that to me she wished she was fat and disgusting, because she’s tired of guys hitting on her. Where she works now, the cooks are constantly hitting on her and her customers are contantly hitting on her. Granted her customers are usually drunk or hung-over… but that doesn’t make it any less annoying. So that stuck with me, because my next thought was “then you definitely don’t want to hear it from me.” Again, also it was a good thing she was tripping and not really paying attention to me because i was sporting a RAGING hard-on for most of the night up until then (her statement pretty much killed it).

Of course, she was tripping when she said it, so she probably doesn’t remember saying it at all. And there were a lot of sexy flirtatious things that i wanted to say while she was tripping that i refrained from saying. Part of it was because if i tell her something that she didn’t want to hear, under the expectation that i could get away with it because she won’t remember it later because she’s tripping when i say it, that’s incredibly unfair. Plus, even if i asked her if she wanted to hear what i had to say and she’d said yes, it’s unfair, because with her in that mental state neither situation constitutes real consent (and of course actually DOING anything would be rape, so…).

And because she’s my friend who i am also very attracted to and i want to do very fun, naughty things to her, I cannot take advantage of her like that (at the risk of sounding redundant, i’m referring to talking) while she’s in a state of such vulnerability.

So, after (kinda) getting my wish and hanging out with Ellie while mostly naked, i feel a bit confused. I should probably just let it go, just say “yeah that happened and it was fun, but it probably can’t happen again” because i don’t think i feel right about it. I feel like i’m lying, because when i say that it’s ok that i’ll most likely never have sex with er, i’m lying, because it’s not ok. I’ve wanted to play with her for a LONG time, and it’s not fair to either of us that i put myself in a position where everybody’s next to naked and i can’t do anything. I mean, we’re all loose and comfortable and that’s cool, but for me it’s also about sex and that element makes things awkward, at least for me. I don’t want things to be awkward, and since, in the course of the conversation last night they said fairly explicitly that they’re not open to sex outside of the relationship, i need to deal with this for the sake of my friendship with Ellie.

So, it sucks.

Now this is not the first time i’ve had more-than-friends feelings for someone unavailable, and i’m sure it won’t be the last time. But what really sucks about this is that it’s tough, as a married man, to tell someone “hey, i’m really attracted to you and i’m in an open marriage so it’s totally cool with my wife if we do stuff” because the assumption that i’m lying and thus cheating on my wife, which could not be further from the truth. With Ellie we’d already gotten past that, but now she’s in a relationship which makes playing with her not an option, and i really don’t have anyone else in my life with whom i have a similar connection. The big catch-22 on this is that i’m not a swinger. I’m not looking to simply go out and have sex, I want to have relationships, and making those kinds of connections take a lot of time and effort.

The conversation and everything that went on last night was the kind of shit i’ve been CRAVING. If it had concluded with naked cuddles and/or sex (instead of the shrooms…), the night would have been fucking perfect. But despite our mutual geekery, i’m not attracted to her boyfriend in the least, and he doesn’t seem to be hetero-flexible even if i was attracted to him, so that’s a complete no-go.

So, here i am. And now my dilemma is: do i try to talk to Ellie about this? Or do i just keep my distance and try to deal with it myself? She won’t be blindsided to know that i want to play with her, but as usual i feel nervous to bring it up especially after last night. Ugh, what to do.

One Response to “20 (burgers, sarongs and ‘shrooms, oh my!)”

  1. Darke said

    I say you play it cool, let it slide, and keep the comfort level going. If it’s all good, it’s all good, and if something is going to happen it will do so organically, not because you pushed the issue.

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