14 (semi-transcribed from a chat)

August 10, 2010

All names mentioned have been changed.

So i had a long chat with my friend Sid. She and i discussed what pretty much came into sharp relief via the comments on entry 13, that being a pesky little demon called External Validation (not that i believe in literal, actual demons. It’s a Northern Exposure reference. Remember that show? Anyway…)

She asked me how i feel about exhibitionism. To be honest (which is my MO)…

I love it.

I mean, it’s exhilarating. I’d love to be able to get away with half the stuff i read about. If i could get away with wearing as little as possible all the time, i’d totally push all boundaries. Especially when hanging with friends and at parties and stuff (with the appropriate company, natch). One such friend and her guy are all about sarongs, if anything, when they’re just hanging out at home and I’m tempted, next time i go over to see her, to just say “no need to get dressed on my account” and see what happens. They might just chuckle about it, but you never know. They’re pretty open people.

Thinking more about it, it’s more about nudity than anything else. Lord knows i like getting it on outside, but that’s not as simple as just taking clothes off. My wife and i had some great sex in places where we could have been seen, but in neither case was the fact that we could be seen the driving factor behind the activity, at least not for her (i don’t think). My wife and i have never utilized our balcony sexually. *I’ve* masturbated out there numerous times, because i like the feel of the open air, but it’s pretty private. Naturally, the adrenaline pumps if i think i might have been seen, but it’s not so much of a turn on (though i will miss our balcony when we move).

Another friend of mine, Lee, and I were talking about about exhibitionism a lot, earlier this year; about why being naked in public/visible places works for us. Nudity is really what does it for me. Mine or someone else’s. Not sure why. I think i like the freedom that it implies, and maybe that whole thought process is because of my restrictive upbringing, but that’s my default scapegoat.

I dunno. I just like bodies. More than anything else, i like watching bodies move. But also, and this is something i’ve probably mentioned before, i like the bodies of people i know. I don’t know someone, i honestly don’t find them as attractive. If i don’t have any kind of connection, they’re JUST bodies, and that has less appeal. Conversely, if i don’t like someone, like if they pissed me off irredeemably, i can’t even look at them objectively so say if they’re pretty or sexy by anything other than conventional standards. Not long ago there were a few MAWs (Adam Warren reference) i was like “wow” about until they said some things that just turned me right off. Now i look at them and i’m like “meh.”

Back on topic, i wonder if my own exhibitionism stems from that whole external validation thing. Because now that i think about it… all thru highschool and most of my 20s, people rarely actually said anything positive about how i looked. My parents did, but they’re parents. My mother would always say “you look so handsome” but i never heard that or anything like it from anyone else. So then in college (a few months after i started training in martial arts in earnest), suddenly people noticed me coming out of the bathroom and stuff like that, and i was like “…really?” Then i got bought in the freshman slave auction and me and two other guys performed stripteases for a party that the one gay guy on floor threw for the girls. I was, much to my own surprise, very ok with that.

After college the first time nothing really happened till i started modeling and that was a big deal for me. Thinking about that now, too… one reason i like a lot of those pictures was because i was working with the same photographer most of the time. So there’s that connection thing again (from this and previous entries). Same reasons, too. I knew she wasn’t going to be judgmental about anything. She was always down for whatever.

That was freeing.

Hmm… i wonder now, what i’ve done that HASN’T been for someone else’s approval or some such. Drawing/animation, certainly. That requires an audience to make any money off of it, but it’s definintely something i do because i really love it. Martial arts, definitely… in fact i think i do that in spite of other people sometimes. Those both are the things i am happiest doing. that’s been the case since i was 21. So that’s a start.

I remember the first nude i ever drew. I showed it to my mom to find out what she thought. I remember her saying that it was a “beautiful body” but then there was something else about it… i don’t remeber if she said something about the nudity or not, like “why does she have to be naked” or whatever. I don’t remember… But i do remember keeping anything else of that nature from her, so i wonder if maybe she said something that was negative, or that i took to be negative. I remember her being very negative about my modeling nude (see entry 5) for awhile, anyway. Later on, she just didn’t say anything.

Damn now this has me thinking… what if this all has to do with me wanting approval from my mother?

That sounds terribly cliche.

But i guess i can’t rule it out.

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