August 4, 2010

OK, so here’s something.

I want to know what people think. I get pretty much no comments here, and part of that is because not many people know that this blog even exists. I do want to use this as a safe and relatively anonymous space, but i also want to use this to actually have a conversation about what i post. I’m trying to figure all of these things out in my head, and the more input i have from sources that are NOT my own head, the better.

I don’t know if this is the reason i’ve been craving intimacy with other people or what, but when it comes to the things in my head that i try to express, i don’t get any input from my wife. I really WOULD like input from her, but she seems disinterested. Like, when i draw something sexual, or have a photoshoot with a model that pushes my limits a bit more (which i’m glad for), or when i’m interested in someone, or if want to try cliff diving into a pit full of razor blades, she doesn’t ever have anything to say. I’m not looking for technical advice or expertise (she has none about any of these things). I don’t need her to agree with me, or approve, or anything like that. I just want to know her opinion.

I want to know if she thinks i’m on the right track, or if i should give up this crazy quest, or if i should stop drawing boobs so big, or if a depiction of a blowjob is unrealistic. I want to know if she found a dress i might like, or a good website to pick up a thong. I want to know if she thinks i shouldn’t shave my entire body. I want to know if she thinks i should try to get into an erotic art gallery. I want to know whatever it is that comes to mind when she hears or reads what’s been on my mind. I do the same for her (in fact she might want me to stop since i talk so much), so i don’t think it’s too much to ask.

To be fair, i do get input from her. It’s not usually about what’s going on in my head, it’s mostly about how other people treat me, and if she thinks they’re big jerks or whatever. I love her for that and i appreciate it, because we all need that kind of support. But where i feel support is lacking in this department. I’m putting really intimate stuff out there into the digital universe, and part of the point of it is that i don’t always think of these things when we’re together, because we’re always dealing with life, or the baby, or money, or the baby, or dinner, or the baby, or work, or the baby. Or the baby.

So i have to have a place to vent these feelings and frustrations because we don’t talk about them anywhere near enough. We definitely don’t talk about them as much as we used to, and i miss that, because i feel like she really understood me. I think she’d still understand me, but i don’t get the affirmation of said understanding because we never talk about any of it. Most of what we talk about is social justice, which is great because it’s something that we’re both passionate about, but after that we don’t get into what we both are thinking about, about OURSELVES, or about EACH OTHER.

She has a blog as well. I don’t usually comment on it, because i see her at home and she’ll usually bring it up and we’ll talk about it one way or another.

Also, what i’ve been typing about is really new for me. I’m thinking and feeling and expressing all kinds of things i haven’t DARED express in the past. I’m almost 35 and i’m just now dealing with so many things i feel like i should have dealt with 15 years ago. So i need support and input, and it kinda sucks that i’m not getting it from the person i feel like i need it from the most. Deep down i KNOW she supports me, but when she has nothing to say, i feel… well, poopy. 😦

6 Responses to “13”

  1. Darke said

    I feel you in this regard, though I can’t really give much in the way of advice. I can only surmise that the things she doesn’t give opinions about are things she doesn’t have opinions about… “whatever floats your boat” kinds of things. It’s a part of one’s reality that others stand on the periphery of, and you want encouragement, or at least acknowledgment if there’s a debate to be had, but you get… nothing, or a cursory nod. yeah, I feel ya.

  2. Nicole said

    Dude, you need to talk to her about these things. Letting it all bubble up inside you is going to hurt your relationship with her if you don’t express it.

    Now, you’re a sensitive person, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I know from experience that being in a relationship with a sensitive person makes you less inclined to talk to them about certain things because you don’t want a backlash. You need to do two things here, imo: 1) talk to her about these things and 2) put your emotions away so you don’t get too sensitive to her responses. You guys have been together a long time and she’s seen a lot of your art, so she’s desensitized to it. Maybe what you could do is select SOME art that you REALLY want her thoughts on and have an art critique night – rather than expecting feedback on every single piece.

    I love you. You need to talk to her. I know what it’s like to feel neglected, and it does terrible things to you inside. It also sounds like maybe you two need to leave baby with grandma for a night, have some wine, talk about these issues, and do something together on your own. I lov eyou.

    • She and I have talked about things. What it amounts to is the fact that she’s completely unshocked by any/all of it. So, since it takes me a while to build up the courage to express things, her non reaction is a bit of a let down. And while her unshockableness is refreshing and freeing in some ways, it runs contrary to what I actually want, which is conversation.

      The whole thing is that these emotions and thoughts that I’m processing (or attempting to) aren’t “normal,” and talking about them to her helps me feel a bit more normal about them.

  3. Who says they’re not normal? You, or society?

    Shocking her and wanting conversation sound like two different things. It sounds like you’re looking to surprise her and she’s not easily surprised – that’s something you should get down on your knees and thank the universe for, that no matter what you do, she’s never going to look at you like you’re a monster.

  4. Society, of course, hence the quotes.

    I don’t WANT to shock her. The fact that I don’t ever seem to is pretty awesome, don’t me wrong. It’s just that, due most likely to my upbringing, I have a hard time coming to grips with things. The fact that she doesn’t usually have much to say about whatever I’m dealing with, or any kind of commentary, positive or negative about any erotic art I may produce (or anything else I mentioned) is just disappointing. More typically, people have SOMETHING to say.

  5. I guess I’m trying to help you to see it more realistically – after seeing a thousand erotic art images that you’ve produced, what else is there to say? I mean, if you want a specific comment – like, is this realistic for a blowjob, or do you think her boobs are too big – are you asking THOSE questions? Or are you just expecting comments? When you say “More typically, people have SOMETHING to say,” who are you talking about? Perhaps you should seek thoughts from those people?

    I love you, and don’t take this as me just disagreeing to disagree. I just think you put a lot of pressure on other people to fulfill you when that’s really your job. I realize your upbringing contributes to you needing more attention then she’s used to giving, but try to see it from both sides. If you want or need something, ask for it. If you want or need that one thing 24/7, one person can only do so much. Do you know what I mean? Maybe try to find an erotic art group where you can meet with other artists and get their input. Don’t put the responsibility of giving you every ounce of attention that you need on one person.

    I love your art, but even after seeing 5 or 6 of the same types, I run out of things to say. I think it’s beautiful and hot and realistic, but there’s only so much a person can say IN GENERAL. Ask more questions, seek less approval, know more often that you have all the approval you’ll ever need from someone that’s devoted to being with you for life, and remember how many people love you. Like me. πŸ™‚

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