9

July 26, 2010

For a minute there, I thought I was doing ok.

Job was ok, got paid, bought some new shoes. Then I got a letter in the mail, turning me down for a job I wanted to start in the fall. Kinda made the rest of my weekend suck.

Since I got the letter, I’ve been unable to draw, I’ve been upset, I woke up from a dream at 5am where some very elaborately costumed women basically quoted the letter to me, telling me that I was rejected. Now it’s after one in the morning, I’m still awake, I have to be up at 5 so we can get ready for everything on time tomorrow, and I just feel like shit, emotionally.

Normally at a time like this, i’d be on a computer, chatting with whoever I happened to find. We don’t have Internet at home, so I’m on my phone (posting this with my thumb), and I have no one to talk to. So, this sucks.

We had plans for the money I’d have been getting from that job. Plans for school, and debt repayment. Now I have to find some shitty dead-end job just to make sure that we’ll be ok. Just to make sure that we won’t fall further behind. The job I have now is ending at the end of this week. While I’ll be glad for the free time sobi can finish art projects, I’ll also have to be spending a lot of that time looking for work, since these art projects don’t pay, or won’t for a while, if ever.

Something that’s been really bugging me lately, is people saying that I need to have a more positive attitude and it’ll lead to more positive results. REALLY? Wow, I never thought of that.

Except that it’s bullshit.

If positive thinking actually had an effect on tangible reality, then we’d all be rich and comfortable, and the fat content in deep fried food wouldn’t lead to heart problems. And pregnant women wouldn’t miscarry, and hell, there wouldn’t be any unwanted pregnancies for that matter, because we could just THINK them all away. Fuck that noise. If I could think myself into a job, do you think I’d have even gone for the job I just that just rejected me? No, I’d be directing my animated series for ten grand a week. AFTER taxes.

I already know all of the silver linings to my situation. Now o gave time to do art, and be with my daughter, and get things packed up for the vacation and the move. Those are all fine and good, and I’m glad for them. But none of that positive thinking changes the fact that I still have to find a job of some kind.

In other news, I’d actually established contact with a couple of women on OkCupid. Was even emailing back and forth for acfew data when I was suddenly met with radio silence from both. I don’t get that. In both cases we were having a conversation, and then both just dropped off. Considering that we were talking about geek stuff in both cases, I don’t think i said anything wrong. Feh.

I’d really like to have a life again. One where I don’t feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. I really don’t know how/when that’s going to happen at this rate. You never know; something might work out with the art thing; that world is just so subjective and weird, you really can never tell when things will shift dramatically. But I can’t afford to depend on it.

2 Responses to “9”

  1. Nicole said

    Actually, the idea being “positive thinking” isn’t as simple as saying, “Gee, I’d sure like to be successful!” Positive thinking in reality is pretty hard work, because we have a lot of doubts and aggravations in every day life. In fact, to be honest, your posts are mostly negative, so don’t knock it til you try it. 🙂 Read The Secret. That’s where this “think positive!” comes from – it’s not as easy as it sounds.

    • The reason my posts are usually negative is because this is vent space.

      Also, i’m not a fan of the Secret because honestly it sounds hokey and cultish, and a bit too much like the church I used to go to. This is, naturally, only at first glance, it sounds REALLY similar. Not to diss people’s faith or anything, but I’ve found that it really doesn’t work for me.

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