July 19, 2010

OK, so i was in the process of writing about porn and what i like to see in porn, but i don’t feel like my thoughts were coming together very well. It should be whatever; i mean it’s my blog and i use this to vent about whatever i happen to be thinking about (which is, honestly, sex a lot of the time if i’m writing about it here) but i do like things to sound good when i write them, and that post wasn’t very literary. So i’m saving it for later, when i have a little bit more energy and i feel like i can put my thoughts into words more coherently.

In the meantime, i’ll leave you with a compilations of posts on the subject of friendly nudity, that i wrote for a different online venue.

I dunno if it’s a curiosity thing, or just part of my personality or what, but at least lately, i’ve been wanting to see every single one of my female friends naked.

I dunno if this is just one of those “eh, you’re a guy! of course you do!” things. Maybe it’s a matter of familiarity that makes the idea of seeing my friends naked that’s particularly appealing. It seems to have come on REALLY strongly in the last few months. Like if every woman reading this sent me a naked picture of herself right now, i’d be happy (not that such a thing would be too far-fetched on [the site where this was originally posted], of course…). But that would only last for like a day, cuz then i’d just want more.

New voyeuristic urge? I dunno. But my brain is saying “naked = good.”

I’ve also been lacking in the cuddle department. Mostly, this has to do with the fact that mine and my wife’s work schedules are pretty much opposite. We rarely have time with each other during the week, and when we do, we’re always doing something. Time just to ourselves is so rare (and especially now that we have a child), and being the touch sensitive person that i am, part of me really NEEDS the physical time together that’s NOT sex (whether before or after sex is immaterial; i prefer both).

This is totally NOT new. My brain has always said “naked cuddle time = good.”

If there was any way to combine the former (naked friends) with the latter (naked cuddle time), that would be awesome. Currently i’m not seeing how, but that would definitely rock.

To me, seeing someone you know naked is much different than seeing a stranger naked. It’s not just a body, anymore. I could draw any old figure model till i run out of lead and i’d never really feel a thing, but if one of my friends were to model for me (again, in some cases) it would be COMPLETELY different. There’d the be element of “just another job” for some of it, but for the most part i’d really feel more. Maybe a kind of connection to the person in question? Like it’s really *that person* i’m capturing on paper, and not just a collection of lines to represent an object.

Same with my wife, naturally. No matter how many times i see her naked, i’m always kinda phased by it, and it’s because she’s not just some random naked body, she’s MY WIFE. The nudity of someone i have such a deep connection with is sure to be much more important and emotional to me than a stranger.

So as far as why i want to see all of my lady-friends naked… i’m still not sure. I know that it goes beyond base sexual interest, but i’m not sure how far. I know that it’s because i have a kind of connection, but i’m not sure what that means and why/how nudity would affect it.

So i’m not sure why i want it. I think now that it’s definitely not a new thing, but since i’m actually “allowed” to let my mind process it now, i’m still kinda stuck as to why it’s there.

There’s one friend in particular, a co-worker at [where i used to work], who i’m very interested in seeing. She’s fun to hang around, we get along well, she’s a bit of a party animal. I’d say that i’m sexually attracted to her, but i couldn’t really see us being fuck buddies. Like, if one thing led to another, then fine, but i don’t know if it’s something i’d actively pursue. She’s modeled for me one time in her underwear (for a drawing she wanted for her birthday), and we took a few extra shots just for fun. Turns out that due to her dance background, she’s a damned good model. I’d like for her to model for me again, but i’d have no reason to ask her to do so beyond wanting to look at her body. While i suppose that might be flattering, i doubt that would be enough of a reason to convince her, and i certainly don’t want to be any less than straightforward.

There are friends of mine whom i’d want to see more “urgently” than others; the reasoning, such as i can figure it out, seems to fall on a scale that measures familiarity and closeness as a friend against what we could refer to as “industry standard” hotness. I’ve found that the closer i am to a person, the less looks matter, but of course that’s not unusual. What i think might be, simply because it bucks the pattern, is the number of people on my list whom i have only a cursory relationship with, but who just push my buttons anyway. Maybe that’s not so unusual either; i mean sometimes there are people you meet once or twice and they just make you go “oooooohhh yeah (chik-chikaahh).”

Funny thing is, i could pursue these things. I’m mostly worried about the women in question being weirded out by the fact that i’m married. I have a feeling that simply saying “oh no, my wife and i are open!” would illicit a “yeah right, asshole!” Plus i’m just afraid of rejection outright. We’ve been addressing my insecurities lately, and that’s been interesting. We’ll see where that goes.

One thing i surmised is that it’s possibly an intimacy issue, and probably a reaction to sexual repression in my upbringing. The feelings i have are not strictly sexual, there’s more to it than that, and it’s something that i feel has always been around one way or another, but it’s never really felt like this, in that it’s come on pretty strongly lately.

It’s not voyeuristic, at least not in the typical way. I don’t want to go to a strip club or anything like that, because such a setting is too impersonal. Naturist and nude beaches/resorts are better in a way, but those environments in my experience tend to be asexual to the point of almost completely denying one sexuality. They actually discourage looking at anyone other than in the face, which is understandable for safety reasons, but it’s really not what i’m trying to achieve, plus it just feels unnatural not to look at people’s bodies, especially naked, so it takes away from the experience.

I could say that what i want is a similar kind of openness to that which i share with my wife, but it goes a little bit beyond that in the way that i like having the freedom to stare, even if we are in a pretty deep conversation. She’s not self-conscious in the least, but she’ll still smack me and say “hey, my eyes are up here!” if we’re talking, she’s topless, and my eyes are wandering. Of course i’m still listening, but dammit i like looking at her. I mean shit, she’s hot as fuck! That’s not something i think i’m ever going to really get over, and i don’t think i should have to.

Anyway, there’s a certain kind of intimacy that comes with nudity, and that’s really what i want. Not strictly sexual, though the erotic tension is fun. Kinda like the photosessions i’ve had (both as model and photographer) but with conversation instead of a camera. I like the feeling of trust that such a situation engenders, and the freedom allows for sexuality and eroticism to be explored, though it may not necessarily be the point.

Honestly this seems impossible. I’m sure i could put up a craigslist ad, but that wouldn’t really work for me because anyone who answered wouldn’t already be my friend, so there would be no personal connection there. Being friends with a person first and foremost is the big deal (this would be a perk). Also if i were to ask any of my friends pointblank: “hey would you take all of your clothes off and sit and talk with me?” i can’t imagine any of them responding very positively.

In the time since i wrote the above entries (two years) very little has changed. I’ve had a few friends model for me and that was pretty cool, but i still feel like i’m missing the intimacy that i talked about, even though my wife and i are plenty intimate. I think that what it is, as i said before, is that i want that same (or similar) intimacy with other people. Maybe i just want to experience a different kind of energy, or a different dynamic by virtue of the fact that it’s a different person. I’m really not sure.

One Response to “7”

  1. […] I’ve been feeling like this again and i’m beginning to wonder if it’s some kind of annual thing, like spring fever or some such. […]

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