53 PiV and Me

So, this is something that’s been on my mind for a really long time (about 8 months now, all told), it’s something i’ve struggled with, along with gender, gender expression and everything else.

(apologies for binarist language; i’m going to be talking about media messages, which are are terribly binarist)

As i’ve gotten older (and have had a lot more of it), PiV sex, aka “the old in and out” has become kind of… distasteful for me. Not that i don’t want to do it, but i think that the way it’s often depicted in media, and the way those of us who are read as men are taught/supposed/expected/socialized to be, sexually, is pretty fucked up.

For example, if you look at the standard lads mags (Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Playboy) or at any visual media that actually tries to talk about sex (whether seriously or not), when it comes to men, the general axiom is LAST LONGER, because apparently every man on the planet comes in 30 seconds and their partners all are going to leave them unless they have porn star stamina. Men are also told that unless they make their partners have like 15 orgasms a night, they’re worthless.

But then if you look at magazines like Cosmopolitan, the message is always “how to make him come,” “here are his secret sex buttons,” etc etc etc. So, wait a minute, are men supposed to last two hours, or 20 seconds? Because according to that, women want men to come as soon as possible because that makes women feel sexy, and that’s all any woman wants because sex appeal is the end all be all of their self-esteem.

::side eye::

So, here i am, kinda caught in the crossfire of all this. I can tell you from experience that lasting longer does impress people, and can derive greater pleasure from my partners. I can also tell you from experience that orgasming quickly brings a different kind of pleasure to one’s partner for completely different reasons. How, you may ask? For that i must tell a story…

Once upon a time before we had a child, my wife and i fucked pretty much ALL THE TIME. At one point she’d been off the pill because the hormones were messing with her, and we were using condoms exclusively. This lasted about 6 months, i think. Now, my staying power has always been pretty good, because i took the messages from lads’ mags to heart, and read many sex books and did a lot of practicing (read: masturbating) to train myself to hold off orgasm. So, with condoms in place to take away some of the sensation, lasting a while was pretty easy. When she got back on the pill, the first time riding bareback again provided a notable difference in sensation, and i orgasmed in about 90 seconds. I was pretty embarrassed by this, but after a good laugh (which actually didn’t help with the embarrassment) she assured me that it was all good, and in fact hot that i came so fast, because it was sexual self-esteem booster that i just couldn’t help myself, and it sent the message that I was just THAT hot for her. Also, of course that just because i came ONCE, didn’t mean the night was over (and it certainly was not).

So here i am now, years later, actively polyamourous and having had PiV sex with a fair number of people at this point, and now i’ve got this mental block around orgasm. And not just that, but around PiV sex in general. Honestly i just don’t enjoy it anymore. I’ve been trying to figure what my deal is, and i’ve figured out a few reasons why:

1. I’m SUPPOSED TO. Being someone who is consistently read as male (whether i want to or not), the general consensus in conventional society is that i’m supposed to be all about sticking my dick in something, as a kind of biological imperative. It’s supposedly “in my nature.” Well, to hell with that.

2. Coupled with that is the general expectation that PiV sex is the pinnacle of human sexual connection. I disagree with that completely. There’s nothing particularly special about it; nothing that sets it apart from any of the many other types of sex and forms of intimacy, except for the fact that it can lead to babies. I’ve already got the baby part covered anyway.

Those are the main things, but there are couple of media components to it as well, aside from the aforementioned, that relate to gender and race. Basically, that since i’m an ostensible man, and because i’m black, there’s a subconscious societal expectation that i’m a grunting, jackhammering sex maniac. This has been perpetuated centuries of racist narrative that considers me and “my kind” to be something other than (and usually less than) human; typically animal, and thus more oriented toward physical activity as opposed to higher functions, like SPEAKING. So, compared to our white counterparts, we’re simultaneously desired as sexual objects (toys) but once that purpose is served, we are useless except for possibly some other mindless labor.

This narrative about black people is perpetuated contemporarily in various forms of media where we are viewed or depicted as sexual (movies, music videos, magazines, etc), but also in porn. BBC bull porn, cuckolding, and just about any porn with black people present seems to perpetuate the stereotype, gay porn included. Besides the fact that the characters (if there is a plot) are rarely anything but “ghetto fabulous” tropes, once the sex begins, it’s this constant rapid fire thrusting and pumping (which, honestly is the same as any porn, but from what i’ve seen it’s even worse), often with a “woman as receptacle” angle. And “straight” porn in general is just so misogynistic that i feel like someone with my desires and fantasies is pretty much left out of mainstream society. Not that i’m mainstream, but, y’know.

Anyway, these expectations permeate pretty much every encounter, and they totally aren’t *me.* While i’m glad to pleasantly surprise people, i wish that it wasn’t quite SUCH a surprise that i don’t have any desire to engage in 200 horsepower piston-fucking. Even in situations where i’m not “bearing the aerobic burden” as one friend of mine put it, i find myself feeling, if not unsatisfied in general, simply let down. That, or i feel like i had to *put up with* the high energy, high friction workout (and it does feel like WORK), to get to the actual human contact and real intimacy that i’m craving. Also, in these cases the encounter can feel phony and staged.

I’ve been avoiding sex in general because of all these things. If i’m not going to be satisfied with the encounters, i’m not going to bother.

So, what WOULD satisfy me?

Well, first off, the abolition of all of these expectations based on what i look like and my genital configuration. If my partners (current and future) pay attention to what my individual desires are and not what they think *should* be the case, that would go a long way. But also, a *feeling* of intimacy is very important to me, and the things that feel like intimacy when it comes to sex are the kinds of things that almost seem childish in their simplicity. Perhaps this is why supposedly sexually sophisticated adults tend to avoid them? I dunno.

Kissing and cuddling, for one. These are greatly lacking in the majority of my sexual encounters of late. This can often be a factor or time available (whee parenthood), but for me, time NEEDS to be made for these. Also, these are not FOREPLAY. Kissing and cuddling (and physical contact, and touching with parts that aren’t crotch-adjacent) are integral to my sexual enjoyment. I can orgasm without these things, but i usually feel empty after the hormone rush wears off.

Speaking of orgasm, the assumption that orgasm is the POINT of every sexual encounter is extremely wrong-headed. Orgasms are pleasurable, of course, and yay for having them organically. But aiming specifically for orgasm at the outset takes away from being in the moment with my partners, which dissipates the connection. So for me to have a sexual experience that doesn’t leave me feeling empty, that expectation has to be removed. If i’m honest with myself, it is something that i need to remove from my thought process as well.

When discussing this with a friend the other night, they mentioned that one of their biggest turn-ons (and i agreed wholeheartedly) was extended make-outs, to the point where the participants are dry humping each other because they’re so worked up. Not as a conscious act, but as an instinctual extension of the activity; because they’re so into what they’re doing that their body takes over regardless of what they might actually be thinking, if anything. This is exactly what i want out of my sexual encounters. Relaxed, in-the-moment, partner focused, and non-performative. Not to take away from the performance aspect of fucking; there’s a time and place for showing off and being all “let me impress you,” and that can be a LOT of fun, but i’m at a point where i’m tired of it because it’s been such a large part of my sexual life, and my ego doesn’t need any more inflating.

One delicate issue here, when it comes to partners who may be interested in the same thing, is physical compatibility. Sadly, sometimes bodies don’t interlock as easily or as well as we’d like, and no matter the desire in place nothing can be done about that. PiV just has to be taken off the menu in those cases, but so far that hasn’t happened very often.

Thankfully, non-performative expectation-free sex has been something that i’m finding people are into, and more so than i thought. So, it seems that i CAN have a mutually satisfactory sexual encounter. I just need to keep myself open to the possibilities and honest about what i’m looking for when they present themselves.

52 User Manual: Version 3.0!

This is an update of my user manual from last year. As before, it has been restructured and revamped in lieu of the past year’s experiences.

I am a 30-something married polyamourous, queer, genderqueer parent of one. I’ve decided to split my two queer terms into distinct categories because they’ve both become clearer since last year.

-Family/baggage-

• I’m from a fairly typical nuclear American family. Both of my parents are still alive and still together. I have one younger sister. My in-laws are likewise alive, married, and together. I have one brother in law. My daughter is a precocious 3 year old, fully able-bodied, able-minded and typically loves to get into trouble. My wife and I have been together for seven years (married for six) and have been non-monogamous and kinky the whole time, though on an active basis mostly for the last two years.

• I have a strained relationship with both my blood sister and my brother in law. My sister is openly antagonistic toward me so i don’t contact her much. My brother in law is ok in limited doses. Mostly i feel uncomfortable around him because i can’t fully be myself, but then that’s the case with most of my family. With him the strain is heavier because of having lived with him.

• My parents are both christian, and because of that, don’t know a lot of things about me, nor should they. Growing up was fine, i often had more communication with my mother about personal/life issues. Mom is a little high strung and always trying to give me advice and or stifle my online voice, which is why personal/angry/emo status updates are only put up in places where she can’t see them. She was most often the disciplinarian at home (spankings, etc.) Dad is laid back, and could probably deal with things in my personal/online life a little easier, but since they would afterward have to go thru my mother, no dice. He ever only spanked me a few times, and they were VERY painful. Not sure if i ever really processed that. I have left any formal religion behind, and it holds little sway in my day to day life, but having been raised christian i was stifled sexually (i was also taught that “friends first” bullshit, which really didn’t help). I didn’t have PiV sex until i was thirty (though i’d given and received both oral and manual sex by the time i was 23), to my later-to-be wife.

• Because of that, it is only now that my sexual development is maturing, and i have come a really long way in that regard. So i’m very excited and open to talk about sex/sexuality/gender at any given time. Since i was so stifled and now feel free to explore these things, i’m kinda chomping at the bit to do so. I am still nervous at being so open and scaring people away, so it’s sometimes difficult for me, even though i really want to. This can depend on the crowd i’m with, and as i hang with a more kinky/queer/etc crowd, this is becoming easier.

-Me at a glance-

• I’m a nice person. By that i mean i’m actually nice, not a Nice Guy ™. I’m athletic, artistic, and creative. I’m a talker. I’m a belly dancer. I’m also the quintessential black nerd. I love videogames, martial arts/sci-fi/fantasy movies, animation, comic books, rpgs… I’m all over the map with my nerdiness. I’m also an older nerd, so i’m a little bit of an elitist about it, and i make no apologies for that. I also really love music of (almost) all types, but my love of hip-hop and R&B stops at about the year 2002 with a few exceptions.

• I’m also detail-oriented and hate being interrupted when i’m working. Just a random fact.

-Things i value-

My family, my health, my creativity, my gender expression. I’m very into social justice, and i’m not a fan of the government right now because they tend to suck at that.

-Things i like-

• Conversation. I crave conversation on whatever subject. If you’re a talker, i’ll instantly be more attracted to you, assuming you’re talking about something we have in common. For some reason i love minutia (might be related to the detail orientation). All the the little, seemingly silly and neurotic things that people think about are exactly what i like hearing about. I think that sometimes, it’s not what you’re talking about that matter so much as HOW you talk about it.

• Languages. I have a bit of an affinity for them, though i’ve studied very few. If you speak more than one language, i’m always curious about that.

• Physical activity. I’ve always been into sports of various types, and i like doing new and different things. Also, i like watching other people do stuff. So let’s do stuff!

• Dancing. Falls in line with the physical activity bit above. Dancing with/near/around/in the vicinity of me will ALWAYS get my attention.

• For both of these things it comes down to the fact that i like watching bodies move. It’s just fascinating to me. Also, how i move is an expression of my gender, so it’s important to me in that way as well.

• I like singing too. but that’s just because i like music.

-How to connect with me-

• Movie references/quotes. Double points if they’re from kung fu movies.
• Look me in the eye when you’re talking to me. You’d be surprised how many people don’t.
• I’m an artist and photographer; model for me.
• Spending a day together is awesome, whether that’s going out to places in a city, hiking, or just nerding out watching DVDs all day.

-How to impress me-

• Proficiency. In anything. Seriously, ANYTHING. If you’re awesome at something and show it to me, i’m very likely to be impressed. Also, see -things i like-

• Be comfortable in your own skin. As one co-worker of mine put it: “I am the queen of not giving a fuck. You can’t out-not-giving-a-fuck me.” YMMV on this since we all have our issues, but the thing is that i’m not always comfortable in my own skin unless i’m so occupied that i’m not thinking about it. So it puts me at ease if you are just comfortable with yourself all the time (or even if you fake it convincingly).

• Be passionate about whatever your interests are. If you really like what you’re into, you’ll probably get me interested in it as well.

• Take me out for interesting and different food. Bonus if you can cook/prepare it.

• Speaking of food, if we go out to eat and you’re paying, generous tips (20% or more) give me warm fuzzies.

-How to turn me on emotionally-

• Let me know that i’m allowed to be myself and that no aspect of me will be treated as weird in a negative way. This is especially important in light of my realizations about my gender.

• Trust me and let me know that i can trust you. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with me.

• Include me in activities with other people. I like doing new and different things. If you’re in another relationship, i want to meet them and connect with them as well. You should also get to know my wife and child.

• Return communications. This is a big deal. Whether phone call, chat, text message, carrier pigeon, WHATEVER. Doesn’t have to be the same type of communication either, just at least acknowledge that you heard me.

• Listen to me rant if i’m freaking out. I have a tendency to overreact (i’m working on it) and as long as i get that out early then i can think rationally afterwards.

-How to turn me on sexually-

• Physical touch means a lot to me. It says a great deal more if you touch me when you talk to me, or hold my hand in whatever situation.

• Kisses, hugs and cuddles will ALWAYS work. In fact, the longer any of these go on, the more turned on i will be. I am very much NOT goal oriented when it comes to physical affection, and by that i mean i really just enjoy being in the moment and savoring what’s going on physically. I don’t generally try to push forward to the “main event” whatever that means. For me, a lot of times, what others call foreplay is the point of the interaction. I will make out with you for HOURS if you’ll let me.

• Once clothes start coming off, massages absolutely turn me on whether i’m giving or receiving them. You honestly can’t touch my back enough, either with your hands or your mouth. Ditto for my nipples and my ass.

• That said, i do enjoy sex a LOT. I define sex as anything requiring protection to perform. So, if we need a barrier of any kind to do it (or if it has the term SEX in the name), it’s sex. This includes, oral, PiV and anal. If at any point you are confused on this, ask. BDSM play, while it is often sexual, isn’t the same thing as it requires a different kind of trust (and protection) than sex. At this point the two have never intermingled (with exceptions made for D/s dynamics), but i’m open to it.

• It is important to note that while i am working on it, i have a mental block about orgasm. I’m perfectly capable, but in my quest to control my orgasms, i seem to have internalized a “don’t ever come EVER” thought pattern. I want to be able to separate the ability to hold off from a *need* to hold off. I’ve also internalized a “make your partner orgasm 9 million times” thought pattern. These being said, when i’m in a situation where PiV sex will occur/is occurring, both of these have become a type of internal peer pressure. So, in order for me to really enjoy myself, i have to know explicitly that there are no expectations about orgasm for either party. The best PiV sex for me would basically be a really long makeout/cuddle session, but with that little extra.

• With BDSM, i’m a bottom, a rope slut, a pain slut, and I get very subby very quickly. I like claws, knives, electricity, fire, and especially thuddy impact play. I recently discovered a love for having my face slapped. I’m willing to try almost anything, but it helps me a great deal to see something done to someone else first before i’m willing to have it done to me.

• Wrestle with me; try and overpower me. Bonus if you actually can.

• Watch porn with me. And not the boring heavily made up implant porn, i mean stuff like The Crash Pad, Chemistry, and ShortBus. Tell me what you like in porn and what you’d like to see in porn.

• I also really love helping other people fulfill their fantasies, either scene-wise or just sexually, whether i’m directly involved or not.

-Queer Stuff-

• I am queer both sexually and in my gender.

• Gender: see GenderStuff

• Sexuality: I’ve often been to events with a sign that says “all genders welcome.” I really am open to anyone at this point, but my attractions are still oddly narrow when it comes to how people actually look; it’s mostly in the face. If i’m attracted to your face, i’ll be attracted to the rest of you. As for what else attracts me to people on that visceral, heart thumping, cold sweating, cheek flushing, makes-my-underwear-get-tight kind of level… i got no idea. There’s no definable list of criteria at this point. It basically boils down to the fact that if i think you’re hot, then i think you’re hot. Sorry i can’t be clearer.

• Interestingly, i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the first “alternative lifestyle” person i ever met was my godmother, and she was the coolest person on earth when i knew her, so on some kind of subconscious level, if i’m attracted to you, no matter your gender, you exude a quality that i saw in her. Couldn’t begin to tell you what quality that might be, though.

-How to turn me off-

• Racist, sexist, heteronormative, cissexist, transphobic, homophobic, classist, ableist, or binarist crap, and doubling down when called on it. We all make mistakes, and life has given different people different experiences and that’s all great, but there’s a limit. I’ve become very tired of trying to explain why things are problematic.

• On the race side especially this includes but is not limited to racial fetishization. If you see me and you think “big black cock WANT” you can die in a fire. Don’t ever invite me to a BBC party unless you want me to just start throat-punching the other attendees. There are plenty of bigger cocks you can buy for relatively cheap. I am not a sex toy. I am a person.

• Conceit. Self-confidence is great, but self-absorption is full of fail.

• Insult me, or treat my interests as “weird.”

• If you don’t communicate clearly with me, things won’t work. I’m really seriously NOT psychic.

If i’ve missed anything, or you feel i was unclear, feel free to ask me in the comments!

48 (3 things on my mind)

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and it’s all been kind of jumbled together, so i’m going to attempt to make some sense of it here. If this ends up being a long rambly thing, i apologize in advance, but i’m going to try and keep it at least SEMI organized. So, stuff on my mind…

Sex:

It seems that lately my sex drive has increased. I’m not sure what the contributing factors are, and maybe this has always been the case, and i’m only recently paying more attention to it. But i feel like i’ve been wanting sex WAY more than before. Certainly i’ve always wanted more sex than i’ve gotten and there was a considerable drop in sexual activity since my daughter came into the picture, but now i’m chomping at the bit practically every day. No amount of masturbation sates me for very long, which leads me to believe that this is just an increase in what i’ve always lacked, which is human contact.

One reason that i’m pretty sure that it’s a human (skin to skin) contact issue is because about two weeks ago, as part of a grander experiment, i went to a play party in a cute outfit with a blindfold and this sign:

I sat down in a chair in a fairly high traffic area of the party and it was barely five minutes before i was beset upon with kisses and all manner of attention from just about everybody at the party (there were about 75-90 people in attendance). Two hours later, i had a sore tongue (which seems to have only JUST recovered), a huge smile on my face, a pleasant happy-hormone high, and when i went home, it was the first time in a REALLY long time that i actually felt physically *sated*. It was also the first time in a long time that i’d felt desired, which is a big thing, given some stuff i’ll talk about in a later entry. The only problem with this situation is that now that i realize that it’s possible to get what i feel like i need, i’m becoming very impatient. Also, since i did receive so much attention that night, it’s like the seal is broken and i need more.

Another thing is that when i actually have had sex, it’s been since a while since it’s been the kind of sex that i feel i need with the people that i love. While there is a silver lining to this, that being that i’ve been experimenting and discovering more and varied types of sex that i like, and there’s no shortage of orgasmic release regardless, there’s a certain core element missing, and this goes back to the whole “human contact” thing i was saying earlier. Something i’ve noticed looking back over the course of my life as far as i can remember, is that touch has always been important to me, on a really deep, visceral level. It was so extreme at one point when i was younger that i had sexual physical reactions to dogs licking my hands (aaaawwwwkwaaaaarrrddd…). While i’ve, thankfully, grown past that, i still crave touch on an only slightly lower level than food. I’ve heard this called “skin hunger” before, and described as a deficiency in oxytocin levels in the body which is relieved by skin to skin contact. Yeah, i’d believe it. But it doesn’t matter what you call it, the fact is that i’m not satisfied in this area for very long if at all.

I’ve been feeling pretty slutty lately and i wonder if this has something to do with it. Like i’m at some kind of breaking point and i’ve decided that my fear and anxiousness over social interactions is no longer enough to keep me from going out and just fucking EVERYONE. Not sure, exactly, but something’s got to give, because if this keeps going, i’m going to explode.

Speaking of fucking everyone…

Sexuality:

It was only about a year and a half ago that i fully realized and came to grips with the fact that i wasn’t straight. As you may know from reading the most recent version of my user manual i use the term “queer” to describe my sexuality at current, because it clearly defines me as not straight but after that stays good and nebulous. The reason for this is because i’m still trying to figure it all out.

My makeout corner actually came in pretty handy for this. One thing i noticed about it all, once i got over the nervous anticipation and subsequent excitement and relief that people actually DID want to partake of me in such a way, was my own reactions to people as they came up and did whatever they wanted to do to me. One thing i noticed was my lack of sexual arousal toward what i perceived to be more masculine types. Since i was couldn’t see, i had to rely on the rest of my senses (especially sounds and touch), and what i found was that scruffy faces on my face REALLY don’t work for me. Stubble hurts in the bad way, y’all. Combine this with the fact that most people who were sporting stubble or more were rather forceful and even a bit clumsy in the kissing department (and would use force in a way to disguise the clumsy, it seemed). There were more than a few who would pin me down, but it was only a very rare one who would do so in a way that i found to be hot; the rest just had me thinking “Dude, get off my face.” On the other hand, when it came to those whom i perceived to be more feminine, i definitely felt a higher level of sexual arousal. I’m not sure if this was a strictly physiological, chemical reaction to sensation and signals my body was receiving, or if i was, on some level, thinking “i attribute femininity to this person for whatever reason and thus this person is more sexually attractive to me.”

There were a few seemingly more concrete things that i did discover about myself thru this, though:
– Certain types of sensation were arousing regardless of perceived gender. For instance while kisses on my lips were hit or miss, kisses anywhere else resulted in the same positive reaction from me. Similarly, biting, nibbling, scratching, massaging, etc on my neck or anywhere else other than my lips resulted in the same positive reaction from me, regardless of who did it. This leads me to believe that within certain parameters, even when i CAN see, the sensation itself is the more important thing to me, not the gender of the person providing it. This is similar to my reaction to sensation thru BDSM play.

– When i’m on bottom or otherwise designated the receiver, i’m much more receptive (lol, redundant), physically and psychologically to any sensation brought my way, regardless of the gender of the person bringing it. I wonder if my brain says “you’re getting what you want, don’t worry about who’s giving it; DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH, YOU FOOL!” or something. Leads me to the classic Margaret Cho bit: “Am i gay??? Am i straight??? Nope, i’m just slutty.” Though in my case it makes me think more like “i’m just desperate.”

These will require more looking into. But hey, there are plans in motion for that.

Gender:

As with anything that is an aspect of one’s existence and how one relates to the world, i don’t think i’ll ever really figure this out, especially since it was once so grounded and is now so up in the air.

In attempt to make this sound less weird i’m going to preface this by saying that i have always had a VERY active imagination that has often run away with me. I can feel the emotion of imaginary characters (in movies or any media and my own mind) so strongly that it can affect my mood for hours depending on how strongly i relate to said characters. So when the character in an imaginary scenario is ME, it’s that much stronger. That being said…

I have a recurring daydream where i come home frustrated and muttering to myself and i slam the door upon entry. My brother-in-law, whom we live with and is always trying to be a peacemaker, makes some comment about how the door didn’t do anything to me. I then respond angrily, saying that the door will live, my frustration is not his business, and that he wouldn’t understand what i’m upset about anyway (he’s not really in the loop about gender and sexuality issues/politics/stuff). He pushes the issue: “Try me.”

“No way, you wouldn’t get it.”

“What wouldn’t i get? You’ve been freaking out for months and you never talk to me.”

“I don’t talk to you about this because i already know that you wouldn’t understand!”

“What wouldn’t i understand? Explain it.”

“No; trust me, you wouldn’t get it.”

(agitated) “Let me be the judge of that, just tell me!”

“I’M A WOMAN!”

This is followed by dead silence. Aaaaand SCENE.

Now, i don’t know if i actually am a woman. I wasn’t raised to be one and while i have felt occasionally dysphoric (at least that’s what it seemed to be), i don’t generally feel like i should be the opposite of what i was assigned. At most i feel like i just shouldn’t have been assigned any gender and left to make up my own mind about it (wouldn’t that be nice). If i were to pick anything at this point i’d say i was pretty gender neutral, but my issue with even saying that is that everything that i would say defines my gender is completely external.

I bellydance, i like wearing “opposite” gender clothing, i carry myself in a way that is sometimes perceived to be feminine when it’s not simply functional or utilitarian, i don’t like (and often remove) my body hair, i prefer to move gracefully whenever possible, i’m very nurturing, i love children, when it comes to physicality, while i value strength, i prefer flexibility and aesthetics, i’m detail oriented in many ways. When it comes to my body, generally like what i see, and even those things i would want to change to be more “feminine,” are only so that they’d look like what society has told us is feminine, and when these things intersect with my sexuality and desires, i don’t think to myself that i would like to have different genitalia (though that would be fascinating) because as i said earlier, the contact with another person is more important to me than the orgasm (i can get those anywhere and i do just fine with what i have). Maybe i’m over-thinking or trying to dig too deep, but the fact is that none of what i’ve enumerated here speaks to the idea that my “inner being” or my “true nature” is actually a woman instead of a man. And even the idea that i would have to pick one or the other bothers me, because the only reason i would do so is to make other people less confused. If i were a cisgender woman adding attributes, interests or activities to my life that people consider masculine, very few people would worry that i wasn’t being a “real woman.” But when a cisgender man is doing so-called feminine things, he’s a blight on society and is everything wrong with the world today (and i’m not even going to bring my blackness into it; that’s a whole separate blog entry). In the end i’d like to just be a person with interests that are my own, and don’t call my gender into question because my gender shouldn’t matter. But of course, it does matter to everyone else (save for a few people for whom i’m thankful), so i feel stuck with this need to label myself just so i can feel comfortable around people when i just want to wear a skirt and be comfortable.

Anyway, i dunno. Lots swirling around in there.

45 (RTFM v.2)

This is an update of my user manual from last year. Been restructured and revamped in lieu of this year’s experiences and personal changes. So without further ado:

I am a 30-something married polyamourous queer father of one. Queer, for me, is an umbrella term encompassing sexuality, gender and gender expression, and for me those three things are all over the place, but I’ll enumerate them for you as best I can.

-Family/baggage-

I’m from a fairly typical nuclear American family. Both of my parents are still alive and still together. I have one younger sister. My in-laws are likewise alive, married, and together. I have one brother in law.

My daughter is a precocious toddler, fully able-bodied, able-minded and typically loves to get into trouble.

My wife and I have been together for six years (married for five) and have been non-monogamous and kinky the whole time, though only recently on a more active basis.

I have a strained relationship with both my blood sister and my mother in law. Neither of them seem to have the ability to stop insulting me, though they claim to try. I’m not out of the closet to anyone in my family beyond my wife and my brother in law (but only on a limited basis with him).

My parents are both christian, and because of that, don’t know a lot of things about me, nor should they. Growing up was fine, i often had more communication with my mother about personal/life issues. Mom is a little high strung and always trying to give me advice and or stifle my online voice, which is why personal/angry/emo status updates are only put up in places where she can’t see them. She was most often the disciplinarian at home (spankings, etc.) Dad is laid back, and could probably deal with things in my personal/online life a little easier, but since they would afterward have to go thru my mother, no dice. He ever only spanked me a few times, and they were VERY painful. Not sure if i ever really processed that.

I have left any formal religion behind, and it holds little sway in my day to day life, but having been raised christian i was stifled sexually (i was also taught that “friends first” bullshit, which really didn’t help). I didn’t lose my virginity until i was thirty, to my later-to-be wife. Because of that, it is only now that my sexual development is maturing, and i definitely haven’t ARRIVED, yet. So i’m very excited and open to talk about sex/sexuality/gender at any given time. Since i was so stifled and now feel free to explore these things, i’m kinda chomping at the bit to do so. This is, however, coupled with a sometimes overwhelming nervousness about being so open and scaring people away, so it’s sometimes difficult for me to open up, even though i really want to. This can depend on the crowd i’m with, and as i hang with a more kinky/queer/etc crowd, this is becoming easier.

I also REALLY hate being interrupted when i’m working. That’s completely unrelated, though.

-Me at a glance-

I’m a nice person. By that i mean i’m actually nice, not a Nice Guy ™. I’m athletic, artistic, and creative. I’m a talker. I’m also the quintessential black nerd. I love videogames, martial arts/sci-fi/fantasy movies, animation, comic books, rpgs… I’m all over the map with my nerdiness. I’m also an older nerd, so i’m a little bit of an elitist about it. A geekery quality enthusiast, perhaps? I also really love music of (almost) all types, but my love of hip-hop and r&b stops at about the year 2002 with few exceptions.

-Things i value-

My family, my health, my creativity. I’m very into social justice, and i’m not a fan of the government right now because they tend to suck at that.

-Things i like-

Conversation. I crave conversation on whatever subject. Tell me what you think about whatever’s going on in your life, and let me talk about what’s going on in mine. For some reason i love minutia. All the the little, seemingly silly and neurotic things that people think about are exactly what i like hearing about.

Languages. I have a bit of an affinity for them, though i’ve studied very few. If you speak more than one language, i’m always curious about that.

Physical activity. I’ve always been into sports of various types, and i like doing new and different things. Also, i like watching other people do stuff. So let’s do stuff!

Dancing. Falls in line with the physical activity bit above, but this is bigger than that because it’s a form of personal expression. Dancing with/near/around/in the vicinity of me will ALWAYS get my attention.

I think for both of these things it comes down to the fact that i like watching bodies move. It’s just fascinating to me.

Ditto for singing, but that’s just because i like hearing people sing.

-How to connect with me-

Movie references/quotes. Double points if they’re from kung fu movies.

Look me in the eye when you’re talking to me. You’d be surprised how many people don’t.

I’m an artist and photographer; model for me.

Idle touches mean a lot. It says a great deal more if you touching me when you talk to me, or hold my hand in whatever situation.

Spending a day together is awesome, whether that’s going out to places in a city, hiking, or just nerding out watching DVDs all day.

-How to impress me-

Proficiency. In anything. Seriously, ANYTHING. If you’re awesome at something and show it to me, i’m very likely to be impressed. Also, see -things i like-

Be comfortable in your own skin. As one co-worker of mine put it: “I am the queen of not giving a fuck. You can’t out-not-giving-a-fuck me.” YMMV on this since we all have our issues, but the thing is that i’m not always comfortable in my own skin unless i’m so occupied that i’m not thinking about it. So it puts me at ease if you are just comfortable with yourself all the time (or even if you fake it convincingly).

Be passionate about whatever your interests are. If you really like what you’re into, you’ll probably get me interested in it as well.

Take me out for interesting and different food. Bonus if you can cook/prepare it.

Speaking of food, if we go out to eat and you’re paying, generous tips (20% or more) give me warm fuzzies.

-How to turn me on emotionally-

Let me know that i’m allowed to be myself and that no aspect of me will be treated as weird in a negative way.

Trust me and let me know that i can trust you. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with me.

Include me in activities with other people. I like doing new and different things. If you’re in another relationship, i want to meet them and connect with them as well. You should also get to know my wife and child.

Return communications. This is a big deal. Whether phone call, chat, text message, carrier pigeon, WHATEVER. Doesn’t have to be the same type of communication either, just at least acknowledge that you heard me.

Listen to me rant if i’m freaking out. I have a tendency to overreact (i’m working on it) and as long as i get that out early then i can think rationally afterwards.

-How to turn me on sexually-

Kisses, hugs and cuddles will ALWAYS work. In fact, the longer any of these go on, the more turned on i will be. I am very much NOT goal oriented when it comes to physical affection, and by that i mean i really just enjoy being in the moment and savoring what’s going on physically. I don’t generally try to push forward to the “main event” whatever that means. For me, a lot of times, what others call foreplay is the point of the interaction. I will make out with you for HOURS if you’ll let me.

Once clothes start coming off, massages absolutely turn me on whether i’m giving or recieving them. You honestly can’t touch my back enough, either with your hands or your mouth. Ditto for my nipples and my ass.

That said, i do enjoy sex a LOT. I define sex as anything requiring protection to perform. So, if we need a barrier of any kind to do it (or if it has the term SEX in the name), it’s sex. If at any point you are confused on this, ask. BDSM play, while it is often sexual, isn’t the same thing as it requires a different kind of trust (and protection) than sex. At this point the two have never intermingled (with exceptions made for D/s dynamics), but i’m open to it.

With BDSM, i’m a bottom who’s willing to try almost anything, but it helps me a great deal to see something done to someone else first before i’m willing to have it done to me. When it comes to BDSM, i enjoy sensation play, but when it’s time to step it up, break out the claws, knives, electricity, and fire. I’m also gaining an appreciation for rope and impact play. The thuddier the better.

Wrestle with me; try and overpower me. Bonus if you actually can.

Watch porn with me. And not the boring heavily made up implant porn, i mean stuff like The Crash Pad, Chemistry, and ShortBus. Tell me what you like in porn and what you’d like to see in porn.

-Queer Stuff-

As i said before, i use the term “queer” as an umbrella term to refer to both my sexuality and my gender/gender presentation.

Gender: I’m a man (pronouns are he/his/him), but i’m not very masculine. Most of the time i’m pretty neutral and sometimes i’m feminine. In general i don’t think of clothes as having a gender of their own; if it looks good on me then it looks good, so I’m in the process of building up my wardrobe to contain a balance of clothes from both sides of the store, to mix and match as i see fit.

Sexuality: I’ve told people before that i should just carry a sign at events that says “all genders welcome.” I really am open to anyone at this point, but my attractions are still oddly narrow when it comes to how people actually look. I’m still figuring that out; what attracts me to people on that visceral, heart thumping, cold sweating, cheek flushing, makes-my-underwear-get-tight kind of level… i got no idea. There’s no defineable list of criteria at this point. It basically boils down to the fact that if i think you’re hot, then i think you’re hot. Sorry i can’t be clearer.

Though, interestingly, i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the first “alternative lifestyle” person i ever met was my godmother, and she was the coolest person on earth when i knew her, so on some kind of subconscious level, if i’m attracted to you, no matter your gender, you exude a quality that i saw in her. Couldn’t begin to tell you what quality that might be, though.

-How to turn me off-

Racist, sexist, heteronormative, cissexist, transphobic, homophobic, classist, ableist, or binarist crap, and doubling down when called on it. We all make mistakes, and life has given different people different experiences and that’s all great, but there’s a limit. I’ve become very tired of trying to explain why things are problematic.

On the race side especially this includes but is not limited to racial fetishization. If you see me and you think “big black cock WANT” you can die in a fire. Don’t ever invite me to a BBC party unless you want me to just start throat-punching the other attendees. There are plenty of bigger cocks you can buy for relatively cheap. I am not a sex toy. I am a person.

Conceit. Self-confidence is great, but self-absorption is full of fail.

Insult me, or treat my interests as “weird.”

If you don’t communicate clearly with me, things won’t work. I’m really seriously NOT psychic.

If i’ve missed anything, or you feel i was unclear, feel free to ask me in the comments!

42 (Time-Traveling Threesome!)

OK, so this past weekend was the Geeky Kink Event which i’d been looking forward to for quite some time. I’ll post more about the event itself later on, but this post is about the main highlight of my weekend, of which i suppose the subject of this entry will give you some clue.

I had my first threesome.

Now i’ve been in orgies before, group makeouts, and other group sex types of situations, but this was just different. Cai (my wife) had told me that that would be the case; that threesomes are more intimate and involve more chemistry, and are just overall different than other group experiences. Having never had such an experience i couldn’t argue but i didn’t know first hand. Now i do, and as threesomes go, and definitely as first experiences go, we kinda set the bar high with this one. This was a tough act to follow.

So, Rose was easily the best candidate we could have possibly chosen. She and i had hit it off the previous day because we’re both bellydancers (and she’s WAY better than me) and we’d gotten to hang out for a few hours and dance and shoot the shit, talking about style and technique. Then there was an excursion to a 24 hour diner with a bunch of people, and we’d gotten her number so that we could tell her when we were going. She met up with us there and we shot the shit some more. She’s just fun, easygoing, really easy to laugh with. Just a wonderful person.

So the next morning, Cai, in her typical straightforward fashion, was like “she’s really cool, we should invite her up for a threesome,” which was something i’d been thinking about, but i’d wanted to ask Rose in person. There was a yoga class the next morning that we’d talked about going to, so i figured i’d meet up with Rose there and i’d broach the subject. But Cai was like “fuck that i’ll text her” because if anything was going to happen she wanted to get the ball rolling asap. And i can’t fault that logic; it was a busy weekend, and as it went on we bore witness to the fact that plans can change REALLY quickly. So after hearing back from her in the affirmative, we set that up for ten pm because classes that we both wanted to attend were going on up till then.

Sadly, the rest of the day was pretty disappointing. Overall, the event had some structural issues that hopefully will be alleviated before the next time. Cai had wanted to do a needle play scene but there was a shortage of safety supplies provided. Of course that was not SUPPOSED to be the case, but for some reason, the stuff just wasn’t available. She did have one pretty good electric play scene with a friend of ours (violet wands and the like), and that was pretty cool. Also, during the yoga for kinksters class, the instructor stopped the entire class while we were doing plow pose, told me not to move, and told everyone else to all come over and get a good look at my ass. There was applause. So that was an ego boost for me, but the rest of the day was kind blah except for those two highlights.

At some point during the day, our date got pushed back to 11. I’m not sure why, it might have been a class thing or possibly because of Cai’s attempt at a needle play scene. I was fine with this, because almost everything i’d planned to do had come to fruition, so a rescheduling didn’t bug me. But Cai was disappointed because her planned busy day had turned out not to be very busy at all. At this point in the evening id had both our phones, and was carrying them in my sleeves, because i had no pockets, because far too many skirts don’t come with pockets. It was about 10:30, and Cai was thinking that her night was a total bust because we haven’t heard back from Rose at all since the rescheduling; it had been like 7 hours; and we hadn’t seen her around or anything. But i tried to be encouraging, and told Cai “Hey, the night’s not over yet. We can still make something of this.” But she just looked so sad and demoralized.

I had to hit the bathroom so i went up to our room, and while i was up there, Cai’s phone buzzed, and sure enough, it was Rose, asking what room we’re in. So i texted her back, gave her our room number and told her to meet us in the lobby, since Cai was still downstairs. I finished up in the bathroom, made sure the room looked ok, and headed downstairs.

I found Rose, i found Cai, and Cai is just saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

But then she looked up and saw Rose and was like “Oh!” Then she turned to our friends and was like “Well… guess i gotta go!”

So we headed back up to the room, and yapping the entire time, because as i said before, Rose is an engaging kind of person. We were just talking and talking and talking and laughing and joking and just having a grand old time. We were all just really relaxed and comfortable with each other. It was great. Naturally, we talk about sexual things we like, and do some negotiating. Originally (when setting things up earlier), Rose didn’t want there to be any penetration because she was starting her period, so we suggested a cuddly make-out kind of threesome, and she was all about that. But during our negotiations, somehow it came up that due to Cai’s IUD (which has since been removed), she’d bled more days during her cycle than not, so crime scene sex (heh) was nothing new to us, so Rose decided that as long as the blood doesn’t bother us (it was only the first day of her period) then penetration was all good with her. Cai (again, straightforward) was like “we’ve got towels, we’re all set.” Cai is always prepared for anything. We had plenty of condoms, gloves, and sex toy safe lube to go around.

So we continued talking about different things we like, and i mentioned that my back is really sensitive. Rose responded to that with “i just so happen to give good backrubs!” So i enthusiastically hopped over to her, took my top off and she started working on my back. And it’s REALLY nice. After a moment, Cai started starts kissing me and playing with my nipples, and i thought to myself “This… is a VERY good day.”

Rose’s massage took on a couple of forms, at first more typical but then she added her mouth, kissing my back and nibbling on my shoulders. Cai went over my shoulder to kiss her, and then i turned around and kiss both of them, and then we kinda pinned Rose down to double team her, just kissing everywhere. Things were starting to really heat up, and at one point Rose is pulled her underwear off with the comment of “These need to go,” and Cai literally pumped her fist and shouted “YES!” And then immediately dialed it back and said “Um, i mean, um, whatever, as long as you’re good that’s cool…” But Rose replied “Oh, no, cheering is good! Cheer away!” So Cai goes back to “woohoo!”

We all had a good laugh about that. In fact there was lots of laughing the whole night, including a very corny (if obligatory, since Rose is white) “Oreo Cookie” joke, made by Cai. I was just like “O_o Really?”

So eventually all clothes had been discarded and we were all naked, hands and mouths are roaming all over, and Rose asks T to put on her strap-on. I believe her exact words were “May i have some lady dick, please?” Cai is, of course, ready and willing.

Now, Cai does not mess around when it comes to dildos, and the one she was using that evening was no exception. She hasn’t named it, but i call it “Big Blue.” I think that once she put it on, Rose and i both kinda started at it like “Whoa.” Cai also slid a glove on and decided to prime the pump, as it were, by giving Rose a good finger-fucking. I continued my own ministrations on Rose, kissing her and nibbling on hr nipples, but also helping Cai out by pressing on Rose’s g-spot. One orgasm later Cai figured Rose was ready and slowly eased big blue into Rose’s wet and waiting cunt.

At this point that i just kinda sat back, because i’d never seen Cai use a strap-on on anyone before. I’ve heard stories, and she’s complained that her abs get sore (welcome to my world 😛 ), but before that night i’d never seen it in person.

It’s quite a sight, let me just tell you. She works hard.

A funny thing: at first, when she saw the dildo Cai was using, Rose was all “No problem!” but then when she felt it for the first time, she was like “Damn, that’s bigger than it looks.” But once she got adjusted, which didn’t take long, she was LOVING it. And Rose is very loud (and at some points, melodic), so besides the show i was being given, i was also getting an epic soundtrack of grunts, moans and screams, while Cai worked up a good sweat while pounding her.

A couple of orgasms later, they stopped for a water break, and Rose wanted to return the favor and try big blue on Cai, which was new for Cai, because she’d rarely been the receiver with anyone but me, and Cai had never felt big blue before either, so this was all new territory. It was also new for Rose because she’d has never worn a cock that big. And she was grinning like the fucking Joker when she put it on. Said grin never went away, because she was kinda power tripping.

Rose put a glove on and also reciprocated with the fingering to warm Cai up (again, not that she needed much if any), and i put a condom on as well, because we wanted Cai to feel the difference. She’s used to me, so the size wasn’t such a factor, but again she’s never been on the receiving end of strap-on sex so it’s just different. Rose started fucking her, and Cai was like “hoooooooleeee shit.” That was all the encouragement Rose needed, so she was firing on all cylinders and her smile only got wider. “Cat that ate the canary” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Rose and i traded off once or twice (we actually high-fived to tag each other in) and Cai was having a GREAT time.

And i should explain something else here: Cai is also very loud, but aside from being loud, she routinely cums REALLY hard. I’m talking with kicking and twitching and convulsing and stuff. And while i’m used to it (not that it gets old), Rose was like “WHOA!” She just kinda stood back like O_O

Cai also wanted to add some pain play to the mix. She’d bought a club-type thing made out of a bike tire (a very unique implement, i must say) so Rose and i co-topped her, alternating between beating her ass and legs with said implement, and spanking her by hand. At one point i decided to be a smart ass and while we were kissing T’s ass to give her a break from the beating, and i told Rose to wind up. So that as soon as i moved my head out of the way… WHACK!!

Cai called me an as for that, but she loved it.

After Cai came down a bit, she had to run downstairs to our friend Karin’s room for something or another… i know she wanted to grab extra tampons for Rose, but we’d left our food in there too. So she threw some clothes on really quickly and said “Well, i’ll be back! Be good! or… be bad! Or whatever!” and left Rose and i to our own devices for a little while.

So she climbed on top of me and we started making out again. I put a new condom on, and she looked down and said: “I don’t know if i can just sit on that…”

And i’m like “Hey, take your time.”

So she lowered herself onto me really slowly, and let me just say, that having never had p-in-v sex with anyone other than Cai this is something i’ll remember for a while. The way she moved, the facial expressions while she got adjusted… i was kinda spellbound. And then once she was really comfortable and we started moving together, the noises she was making were something else.

After a little bit, she said “Can i try something?” As if i was going to say “no.” 😛

She then leaned back and arched up, bracing herself on my legs, and grinding her hips forward and backward. Right about then is when Cai came back in. She just stopped and stared, and said “O_O HAAAAWWWT.”

“The angle i have ain’t too shabby either!” I replied.

We soon switched to missionary, and we were just going nice and slow, taking our time. Cai, meanwhile, is standing off to the side, once again naked, watching, with her hand between her legs, saying “Sorry i’m just being the creepy dude off to the side just watching but this is really hot!”

We couldn’t find it in us to object.

After a nice period of slow sensual fucking and kissing i asked if Rose wanted me to continue at this pace or go faster, because by now she was good with the size and i’d been going pretty deep. She looked me dead in the face and said (and i’ll never forget this, either):

“Faster! Fuck me like a beast!”

At this i turned to Cai, and with both grinned huge, because we both know hand and fast i CAN go. Cai just says “She asked for it!” So, i comply.

And i don’t mean to brag or anything (oh who am i kidding? OF COURSE I DO!), but while she was loud before, she was really screaming now. I’m not even sure how long we went on (probably less than ten minutes) but Rose was like “Whoa! whoa… i need a break.”

We stopped for a moment so she could catch her breath, and she asked me what position i like. I replied that i’ve always been a fan of doggie style, and she was like “My favorite!” So she turned over and we started up slowly again, but soon i was thrusting and she was pushing back at a pretty strong pace. During all of this, Cai is still off to the side jerking off and just enjoying the show. Rose and i are both enjoying ourselves immensely, so again, no objection.

Cai had always wanted to watch me fuck someone else, so she was in her own separate, blissful world watching us. But she moved around a few times and came closer to get a better view. At the same time i heard her start to get louder so i grab Cai by her head and pull her in to kiss her, sending her over the edge as she came in the next few seconds.

If i were to do an illustration of this whole scene, that moment would be the one i’d want to capture.

So then Cai moved behind me and started kissing my neck and whatever else she could reach, and played with my nipples again, which i LOVE; Rose continued to moan loudly, and it was just… awesome. So i was just enjoying life. On TOP of that (something else i love) i felt Rose come. I could feel her tighten up, and i was just like “Oh!” After that, she was pretty done.

I put on one more new condom, and Cai told me “I want you to come inside me.”

“Well, i’ll do my best! ^_^”

Cai wanted doggie style as well, so Rose got behind me, tending to me the same way Cai did, and at on point she practically growled in my ear “I want you to come.” Now, normally, that combined with her ministrations would send me over the edge.

But…

Cai and i had had sex that morning, so it was going to take me a lot longer, an Cai was getting sore, so we had to stop. I was fine with this. As good as everything felt, we were all kinda tired. Rose stuck around for a while, and we all hung out naked and ate chinese food, and watched funny online videos and started chatting again, laughing like before.

It was just a great time overall. Like i said: setting the bar high.

Oh and the reason it was a time-traveling threesome? It all happened during the daylight savings time-change. So it’s like we went back in time, while fucking! Our hotel room became a TARDIS, or something. 😛

37 (wants and needs)

Been thinking about what i want and need in my relationships. Since they’re poly relationships (and since i’m a poly n00b since my wife and i haven’t really been active until this year), they are naturally more complicated.

One thing that i have not done is define parameters for my relationships. In some cases this may mean giving them a name (boyfriend, girlfriend, dating, FWB, fuck-buddies, etc). In all cases, named or not, this means outlining the boundaries of my relationships and negotiating the terms of them. This is of course subjective to each relationship, but there are a few things that i need in all of them, including with my wife.

The first thing that i need is to be at least acquainted with metamours. If i can meet them and get to know them, even if i don’t necessarily like them and want to hang out, it alleviates feelings of jealousy on my part and that alone allows me to relax from very early on. Keeps me from getting all tight-chested and upset when i hear about them later on in conversation/online updates. Even better if i actually become friends with them, and have a friendly relationship aside from my paramour. If a metamour also becomes a type of paramour, that’s a whole different ball of wax. Hasn’t happened, but i suppose i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it. Anyway i need communication (whether actual or digital) with metamours. I’d also like to spend time with paramours and metamours at the same time.

In the relationship itself, like i said two entries ago, scheduling’s a big deal. It would be anyway, but since poly relationships deal with more than just the typical two people, it’s important. I need to make plans and i need them to be stuck to. Naturally, life gets in the way and things happen, so when these things happen i need communication. Like i said in #35, it should be common courtesy, but much like common sense, it isn’t. Also, like in #35, i need consistency. Regular hangouts/dates/together time is important. At the very least i need to know that another hangout/date/etc is forthcoming, even if plans are tentative.

I also need to know the rules, between me and my paramour, and metamours/primaries. Are the rules hard and fast or are they more like the pirate code and are merely guidelines? Either way I still need to know them. For example, am i allowed to sleep in bed or only on the couch? For that matter are sleepovers a no go? What is the level of physical intimacy that is allowed? Is there a BDSM component and to what extent? Is PDA ok? Also, though such things are nebulous, what level of emotion is involved? What makes things uncomfortable? What are roadblocks and red flags? What are absolute deal-breakers? If sex is involved, what kinds of protection are preferable? Etc, etc, etc. Naturally things change as relationships develop, so these can be talked about often and at length, though ideally they should be brought up early on just to establish a baseline.

As for wants, well there are plenty. I always want hugs and cuddles and kisses out of relationships, as well as just good times in general. But the only way to keep the good times going is to make sure that the needs are met first, and that there is a reasonable foundation.

36 (Sex is not Love)

I’ve been very lonely lately and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the things I need in my life to remove that loneliness.

In need more friends, first of all, and not just online (not to take away from my online friends, but i can’t just go hang with them). That’s slowly improving. I’m meeting people thru my few current friends, and they’ve all turned out to be really cool so far. With said friends comes conversation, laughs, nerdyness and an overall feeling of camaraderie. So that’s moving along slowly, but surely.

On a similar tack but slightly to the left of it, I need poly/kinky friends. I’ve been meeting them as well, and that’s been fun too. There’s a fair amount of crossover here, as they also tend to be quite nerdy. So yay! Two birds. Also, they have a tendency to be more open and understanding about my changing tastes/moods/desires regarding my gender presentation. So, woohoo, triple threat blue birds! (if you get THAT reference, you and I SHOULD be friends, if we’re not already).

On a completely different level, and running much deeper than the aforementioned, I need to feel loved. The previous two situations let me know that I am liked and accepted, and that’s great, and definitely necessary. But I also need to feel loved and this requires a kind of intimacy rarely found in the previous two circles (though more in the second than the first).

To feel loved, I need people in my life who, first of all, like me and accept everything about me. Again, more likely in the second circle. The second thing I need is physical intimacy. Here’s where things get tricky.

Physical intimacy means many different things to many different people, but the first thing that comes to mind for most people is, of course, sex, and under that umbrella most typically, sexual intercourse of some kind. I’m going to stick with that very narrow definition for a moment, to say this:

As much as I like and enjoy sex and the release of orgasm, it is not a need, per se.

The reason for this is that sex in and of itself does not make me feel loved. It is merely an extension. The physical intimacy that I require to feel loved is far less risky, but far more complicated, and for some reason, also far less available.

For me, one aspect of physical intimacy is kissing (from a peck on the cheek all the way to makeout-type kissing). For some people this is INFINITELY more intimate than sex. For me it isn’t more intimate, but it is far more integral. Kissing is something relatively simple that can be done as a greeting, as a farewell, it can be done in joy or in sorrow, as a comfort, as a sexual wind-up or as a wind-down. And so on, and so on, and so on. There are so many variations on the types of kisses, just in the realm of face-to-face, mouth to mouth contact, that it should be it’s own physical discipline, IMHO. Anyway, for me this is at the very top of the list. When I am kissed, I feel loved.

A very close second, almost to the point of being a tie for first is touching. This is so varied that i don’t know if I have the ability to articulate everything about it, but I’ll discuss one particular aspect, and that is skin-to-skin contact. For one, this in particular necessitates a higher level of comfort among the individuals present (YMMV), because nudity of some type is likely involved, and plus some people just don’t like to be touched. For me, the more touching the better, and the more varied it is, the better. And of course, given the fact that i’d never wear anything if I didn’t have to, the more skin the better.

For me, it reaches something deep inside me to be touched, even idly. It’s also very important when in a “romantic” or sexual context, to be touched in “non-erogenous” areas (quotes used because both are subjective). One area that is so neglected that my nerves are practically on fire is my back. I like to feel ANYTHING on my back, and I have yet to find, save for bodily waste, anything that I wouldn’t want someone to touch my back with. You could rub, scratch, scrape, tickle, massage, caress, hit or otherwise touch my back with literally anything and I will enjoy it, even if I cringe at first. I mean this head to toe, btw. From where my would-be hairline ends, all the way to my heels. My back is just so neglected. If someone really spends some quality time with my back, I will feel loved.

Also in the realm of touching is hugging and cuddling. I love to be held and be idly touched. It feels safe, and secure, and it relaxes me immensely. This can be done with or without clothes (as stated, without is ALWAYS better), but either way, when I’m cuddled, I feel loved.

These are just three physical things that make feel loved, and whole. These can be taken with or without sex. Naturally they are a physical turn on, and an orgasmic (and in my case, ejaculatory) release will become physically necessary after a prolonged period, but I don’t need that via the hand (or whatever) of the other person to feel loved, nor do I consider that to be their responsibility. Of course, orgasm is awesome, and sex (whether manual or penetrative) is fabulous, and there is a kind of connection there that is on a whole different level, but it’s not what makes me feel loved. It’s these other types of physical intimacy that do that for me. As i said before, sex is an extension.

Without them, or when they are in short supply, I begin to feel lonely and disconnected. When I go without for a prolonged period of time, that disconnection… Well, suffice to say that it’s very unpleasant. It’s like an aggravated wound. Reintroducing them is what heals me, and sustains me in that way.

I don’t NEED sex. I WANT sex, sure, but for the most part, for that kind of release I can just masturbate.

I NEED physical intimacy.

Trans(re)lating 009: Trans Queering Your Sex, a field report (via Trans(re)lating)

He finally finished it! Yay!

This was recorded about two months ago (?), and it is my official podcast debut. After listening to it i’m glad to say that i don’t sound as silly, nor do i stutter, as much as i feared (though may be that more the result of editing on the part of the host).

Anyway, give it a listen! It’s loaded with fun and important information.

00:00 Opening 01:00 Introduction – I no longer have my cool job – Balticon was awesome 05:23 Field Report: Trans Queering Your Sex – Practice good pronoun usage – Courtesies you learn for trans people are good for all people – Gender identity, gender presentation, gender attribution – Get clear on terminology and roles – Negotiation can be sexy – Yes/No/Maybe – "Remember who's running the fuck" – Condom and lube recommendation – Call for more fie … Read More

via Trans(re)lating

33 (NSFW and now in color!)

Not much to say here. The freelance is going really slowly and i lost my crappy regular job, so i’m looking for work and bored at home. But naturally i still love to draw and paint, and since i recently found the pen to my tablet (cue choir of angels), i decided to do a digital painting using one of the drawings from entry #27:

Fixed the proportions, and i think it came out rather nicely, although as usual it looks different on the laptop. Ah well.

30 (a little more art)

I’ve been doing a lot of fan art recently along with my freelance work. A certain someone got me hooked on sci-fi and fantasy podcasts, so my mind has been filled with all kinds of fun images that have made their way onto the page and now, here. So in order of completion:

Characters from Scouts, by Nobilis Reed .

A would-be (cuz there already is one) cover treatment for The Empress Sword, by Paulette Jaxton .

And a little something that isn’t fan art, just some more fun with a character i made up a few months ago (see entry #27 ) who has been affectionately dubbed “Stocking Boy:”

Enjoy! Actual blog with text in it coming eventually.