March 20, 2014
(As usual, all names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms to protect the “innocent.”)
Returning to Kraken’s Ball, Jenn and i parted ways to hang with people and prepare for my scene with Felicia, respectively. I found Felicia fresh from a rope scene, so i gave her a bit of a break to recover and i prepared my implements. I’d grown increasingly fond of using drumsticks to beat people; i feel they bring a bit of novelty, because in the scene everyone seems to be into using traditional canes (expensive) or household pervertables (often cheap, but easily replaceable). I figured drumsticks are made for beating things, so they make perfect sense, plus i have experience as a percussionist, so they’re familiar to me.
I looked around for a space to play, and decided on a cage with a good sized floor pad. I’d never played in a cage before, but i liked the idea, because it provided a defined space in which to play, plus a good barrier from people not involved in the scene, so there wouldn’t be any interruptions in that way. Those of you who know me know that i hate being interrupted when i’m working. Aside from these though, there’s the psychological factor of “now you’re locked in here with me and you have no escape” which is kinda fun too.
I laid out all of my tools to clean them in preparation: an array of drumsticks and brushes, two wooden homemade canes and one heavy, metal one. I also cleaned off my batting gloves and tweezers (more on those later). Felicia came into the cage to check things out, and seemed pleased with everything i’d brought to use on her. I explained the feel of each tool, and gauged her reactions: looked like we were going to be sticking mostly with the drumsticks, which was perfectly fine by me. :) I took out my large bottle of water for afterward. When we were both ready i closed the cage door and put my batting gloves on to signal the start.
Explanation: I use batting gloves because they have padded palms. Baseball bats deliver a lot of shock when they slam into a ball, which gets transferred to the hands and can hurt quite a bit. Spanking someone does not deliver quite so much shock, but having ones hands padded does make things easier, plus one can deliver much harder blows without having to worry about one’s hands giving out. It also helps to deal with the shock and potential skin rawness of using implements of various types. I’ve been very pleased with them.
Felicia stood in the middle of the cage as i slowly walked around her, lightly touching her skin with my gloved hand. I lightly massaged her body before roughly grabbing a handful of her hair to guide her to the floor. I laid her on her stomach and began to spank and punch her ass, lightly at first and then harder and harder to listen to her reactions and watch her ass jiggle (because YAY ass jiggling!). I decided that the sensation for this should go from thuddy to stingy, so the first drumsticks i grabbed were the marimba mallets. They have a rubber core, a soft fiber exterior and very springy stems, so i can get a good rhythm with them without much effort. I’ve noticed that i have a lot of fun delivering thuddy pain (almost as much fun as receiving it). Actually i’ve noticed i just like delivering pain in general. Guess i’m a sadomasochist after all. ANYWAY, i varied the sensation by dragging the mallets first, giving a slightly scratchy caress, and then lightly tapping on bony areas and increasing the force as i moved to more fleshy areas (again, YAY ass juggling!). I did the same with my harder, wooden drumsticks and continued the same patterns with my lighting rods. By this point Felicia’s back side, specifically her backside (see what i did thar?) was about done for the evening, and she informed me that she’d like to turn over (my general communication method for scenes is Red/yellow/green, but i also just like direct communication; i’m not likely to want to play with someone who becomes non-verbal unless it’s animal play and/or i know their signals REALLY well).
I should point out here that Felicia has an athletic body and her muscles were quite visible to my eyes. This (along with our previous negotiations) gave me a very good indication of where i could hit safely, but also allowed me some freedom i don’t have normally as far as different areas to hit. For instance, before this scene i’d never hit someone on the arms before and that was a real treat. Continuing with the lightning rods, i started hitting her front side a bit randomly: arms, legs, hips, inner thighs, just whatever came to mind at the time. It was fun because i could tap a few times on a certain area acting as a warm-up, but then hit really hard somewhere else. Plus the lightning rods give a very satisfying “TAK” sound. Along with Felicia’s reactions/noises, i was just having a blast. My fun increased when i started tapping on her bits.
I’m always really careful when play becomes genitally focused, even briefly. I tend to err on the side of “less is more” unless i’m really comfortable with a person and i know what they like or they’re very clearly asking for me to do more. In this case, since it was our first time playing, i stayed fairly light, tapping on Felicia’s bits, using that as a break from rapidly beating her inner thighs. Had a pretty nice sound to it, actually: tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, TAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATATAKATA tak, tak, tak… and so on. After this i think i switched to my drum brushes for a moment, just to ease down from the impact a bit; these can be a very pleasurable thing for someone who likes light scratches along with stingy hits, but also it transitions well into knife play.
Now, i don’t trust myself with an actual sharp knife yet. But I’ve found i can deliver very similar sensation with a pair of needle-point tweezers, which I’ve used often. They’re very easy to control, and i feel as though they are a very close extension of my own body, since they don’t even go past an inch away from my fingertips the way that i hold them.
I guided Felicia into my lap, and dragged the simulated knife all along her body tracing patterns and carving light welts all along her torso, from her neck down to her thighs. I followed every contour i could see or think of, along her ribs, down her sternum, on her breasts and nipples, across her abs, along her collarbone, you name it. Soon she was a beautiful tapestry of pale skin contrasted with pink and red lines. It was about this time that the party ended, much to my disappointment. I really wanted to continue for at least another half hour. But alas we had to end the scene. We pleasantly bantered as we cleaned up and drank water, then hugged and said our good-nights.
I definitely had a lot of fun with that scene and from all indication, so did she. Hopefully we’ll be able to play again, and with less of a time constraint.
March 9, 2014
(As usual, all names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms to protect the “innocent.” All actions depicted herein are consensual, though in at least one instance, it might not sound like it.)
I was feeling interestingly tired after my scene with Remy. On its face it hadn’t been a particularly strenuous bit of action, but i think the combination of lack of sleep, the general activity of the day, and the energy of the scene itself had left me a little drained. Not a position i wanted to be in, because coming up soon was the Kraken’s Ball, wherein i had two scenes planned, one of which was bound to be very strenuous on me, both physically and psychologically.
Sakura and i had been planning a scene for a while; she’d tied me at last year’s winter fire and we both had a great deal of fun. She pushed my flexibility and we made a fun and beautiful bit of rope art (as far as i could tell, i was blindfolded). We’d originally wanted to do something similar, pushing my flexibility even more, but the events of life gave me a different idea. Jenn has often tied me sadistically, and in one session, pushed me to the point of crying, but she’d never gone so far as being *purely* sadistic with a rope scene; it was always “ok, i’m gonna push you a bit, ready?” This time around with Sakura, and since the theme of Kraken’s Lair parties has always had a kind of “go hard or go home” bent to it, i wanted to try something different. I wanted to try and achieve some kind of catharsis thru rope.
Under more typical circumstances, this is something that i would ask Jenn to do, but i had some specifics that i knew Jenn would actually be uncomfortable with. First off, i needed Sakura to be completely sadistic. No art, no beauty, just suffering. Secondly, i didn’t want aftercare, which is highly atypical. But the point of this scene for me was that i needed to be able to take everything that she could dish out, and even be broken by it, but afterwards prove to myself that i had the strength to pull myself back together, completely on my own, and go on. It was emblematic of my life circumstances: the universe is throwing a lot of stuff at me, and i’m really barely holding on, but i had to dig deep and pull myself together to get past it all, because ultimately, the only person i can REALLY rely on is myself.
I was still a bit pent up from my scene with Remy, on top of my fatigue, so i was in an odd headspace as Jenn and i got ready in our room. I was, interestingly, not in a bottom-type headspace at all, which i figured would kind of work for the upcoming rope scene, since i needed to be defiant and all “you can’t defeat me!” But i was also feeling really antsy and toppy as well. To the point where, between our hotel room and the elevator, i stopped Jenn in the hallway, shoved her up against a wall and forcefully kissed her. She fought back, but i pinned her hands over her head with one hand, held her body against the wall with my leg between her thighs, grinding against her as i gripped her throat with my other hand ravaged her mouth with mine for a few smoldering minutes. As suddenly as i’d grabbed her, i released her. Grinning, i said “Ok, now we can go,” and briskly walked toward the elevator.
When we arrived at the Kraken’s ball, I saw Sakura being tied in a suspension by her fiancee, Ken. I figured it might be a while before they were done, and also would take some time for her to recover, so i knew i had at least an hour before our scene could take place. I took the time to look around, check out some of the other scenes that were happening, and to check in with Felicia about our impact play scene which would be taking place later that night. That was also a scene i was very much looking forward to, because i’d seen Felicia play (live and “memorex”) and i knew that it would be one of the few opportunities i’d had, so far, to really lay into someone with my drumsticks, et al. She’s a pretty tough bottom, and through our negotiations i’d gotten really excited. I found her between scenes, checked in to make sure that everything was a go (it was), set it up for later and went to find Sakura, who’d come down from her suspension and was sitting quietly.
Something seemed off when i approached her, and that was confirmed when i lightly tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped as though i’d clapped right next to her ear. Turned out that a bunch of stressors had led to her being in the wrong headspace for our scene, so it wasn’t going to happen this evening. Given where my head was already, this was actually just fine with me. I decided to find Jenn and see what she was up to. Turns out she’d just gotten done with a scene, so the timing was pretty good.
I know that i was still feeling extremely horny from my scene with Remy, and Jenn seemed a bit on edge herself, so after a brief conversation and a quick text to Felix to let them know that the room would be sexually occupied, we decided that we simply HAD to go back up to our hotel room to fuck. This isn’t our usual protocol; normally it’s a more organic flow from cuddles to makeouts to whatever-else-we-feel-like inbetween, to fucking, but this time we were pretty much dead set on fucking and cumming. After hastily returning to our room, we quickly shucked most of our clothes and were rather all over each other. There was a brief interlude, where she stood over me with a foot in my lap and all but ordered me to remove her boot. It was at this point that Felix returned to our room and immediately realized that they were interrupting something. Turns out that they hadn’t seen the text. No matter, as the interruption was brief.
As i said, this wasn’t our usual protocol. We don’t typically have what we refer to as “goal oriented” sex; we don’t fuck for the sake of cumming. Don’t get me wrong, we both love a good orgasm, but sometime that doesn’t happen, and that’s just fine. This time, though cumming was the order of the day. Maybe it was the overall sexual energy of the event. Maybe it was the fact that we’d barely seen each other all day. Maybe we’d both been playing away from each other all day and we just missed each other. Who knows, but we both know what buttons to push to help get each other off, and we were definitely pushing them ALL this time. We both came hard and loud, and collapse onto our bed, panting and giggling.
Normally at this point, it would be cuddle and sleep time, but the night wasn’t over yet, and we had a party to get back to. So we changed into some yet sexier clothing, and headed back downstairs to the Kraken’s ball, reenergized for a little more debaucherous fun.
March 4, 2014
(As per usual, all names have been changed to Capcom character pseudonyms to protect the “innocent.”)
Having missed out on the Queer Cuddle Party for reasons i might go into later, i’d made a cuddle date with Makoto (the host) so that i’d be able to hang with them in a way that was meaningful, because my weekend was otherwise packed (as you’ve read so far) so if i hadn’t made arrangements, i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t have seen them at all until monday morning. Arriving at their room i as greeted with a big hug as usual, and got my cuddles on. At one point there were about five of us in one bed, including myself, Remy, Felix, Makoto, and my queerfriend Abel. I’m not sure how long this cuddle pile lasted, but i know that we all wanted it to go on longer, because i’m pretty sure we whined in unison when people had to leave. But we all had things to do. Luckily, one of the things i had to do was with Remy, so i wouldn’t be gone for long.
Remy and i had a massage date planned. Normally this would be fun in and of itself but it turns out that he gives head in exchange for massages. I’d never given him a full massage before, and in all of our previous playtime, he’d never gone down on me before, so this prospect was intriguing to me for a lot of reasons. I pulled him from his hotel bed (“great lovers when they’re not sleeping,” indeed) and we set up my massage table in a relatively quiet playroom downstairs.
I should interject here that Remy and i had been having conversations about desire and making our desires known. For various reasons, we both have issues with stating/asking for the things we want sexually, even with partners who are VERY enthusiastic about giving us exactly the things we would ask for if we were brave enough. For me in particular this has to do with my body and skin color; i’m very wary about giving off the perception that i’m some big black bull of a dude who wants to stick my dick in everybody. Even though the people who are close to me say that they don’t think of my that way (Kyosuke thinks of me as an andro pretty thing), it’s very difficult to shake off 30+ years of social programming and learned self-perception, no matter what realizations i come to about my gender. Anyway, when we were negotiating our scene, we decided to set up a system where he would have free reign to ask for whatever he wanted: in exchange for merely the act of asking, he’d get some kind of sexy reward, but then also he’d get the thing(s) he asked for. Pretty win-win.
After setting up, we both stripped down (i kept my orange thong on, because as i mentioned earlier, he likes orange), and i started to massage him. He’s a very touch sensitive sort, so i’ve always enjoyed touching him and listening to his reactions. I managed to elicit some surprised reactions out of him as well; i’d never given him a full massage, so there are some parts of him he’d never had someone touch, in the way i was touching him, particularly, the muscles in his chest. I also got some surprises, myself, via his requests, because i don’t normally massage people’s arms and hands, and also i’m so used to Jenn’s hypersensitive feet that massaging Remy’s presented a unique technical challenge just because of the differences. Despite a bit of overzealous oil usage, i think i did an ok job, though. The massage was basically over, but then Remy had another request: he wanted me to punch his ass.
We’d done an impact play scene before (last year), and it was a lot of fun, but it was pretty varied. I’d used a set of drumsticks/drumming implements i’d acquired, along with spanking/punching. I’ve since used this same combination on a few other people, including but not limited to my queerfriend Abel, during which i managed to find a sweet spot on each ass cheek and punched them to orgasm because of the repeated vibration. Always up for trying to make lightning strike a second time (plus i just really enjoy punching asses), i gleefully obliged him, and started striking his ass in different patterns and rhythms to find just the match for his body.
I seemed to find a pretty good stroke after a while, because he was vocally expressing how good he was feeling. Part of me didn’t care about that in a way, because i was having so much fun watching his butt ripple as i hit it. But i was ALSO glad that he was enjoying himself. To enhance the feeling, he requested (more rewards!) that i insert his glass toy before continuing. I’ve never been one to withhold pleasure from anyone (for too long) so lubed up a gloved hand and teased it into him. I’ve always liked his glass toy; i’d like to try it some time. Once that settled into place, i continued punching his ass, varying it up with full-body shaking hits with my entire forearm.
Right around this point, Abel sat down and was watching us. We were at the point where the “trade” part of the massage cam into play and Remy positioned himself to go down on me, upside down. That would be a first for both of us. I had some slight trepidation about doing this in front of Abel, because they and i had not gone here in our sexual escapades, and i wasn’t sure how they’d feel about it. Everything turned out fine though, and they had nice bit of frubbly voypersion. I certainly was enjoying myself, and Remy made himself orgasm with me in his mouth, which btw, if you’ve never had that happen before, is pretty cool because the vibrations from someone’s voice as they’re cumming feels GREAT on your bits. I’ve only ever orgasmed from oral one time, so i knew that wasn’t on the menu, but i was enjoying his mouth quite a bit, so i lingered there for a little while after he came down from his orgasm. Soon he was done, though, and we were both kind of spent, just from the energy.
My lack of orgasm was, unbeknownst to me, going to bite me in the butt later, in the most delightful way.
February 24, 2014
(as always, some names but have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms. Others have been changed to pseudonyms of their choosing)
Once i was up and moving (kinda) on saturday morning, i decided to go get myself something to eat from the deli across the street from the hotel. I’d been informed that they had fruit (woohoo!) so i made sure to grab a few apples and oranges. Since we were skipping the classes that morning, i allowed myself to relax when i got back to the room and just hung out in a bra and comfy panties.
There was a lot of anticipation building for my next scene, that had started probably a good eight months prior. Felix and i had somehow gotten on the subject of animal play, specifically, kitten play. At the time i’d joked about the idea of having them as a kitty for a scene, because i’ve had my fair share of actual cats as pets, but the more we talked about it, the more interested i became. Over the course of the next few months, we talked about the possibilities for how the scene could go. By the time the event came around, i was very excited.
Felix came into the room with our mutual play partner, Remy (whom you may have heard me mention in a previous blog), and the three of us chatted for a bit. I hadn’t been able to give Remy his birthday present before this weekend (distance SUUUUUUCKS) so i presented it to him then: an orange bow tie to go with his dog collar. Felix presented him with an orange dog toy as well, and we played on the idea that we TOTALLY planned and coordinated such action (we hadn’t; we just know he likes orange).
After we all got thoroughly distracted by a bunch of stim toys, Remy left to go do… something, and Felix and i got ready for our scene. And here’s where words fall short. I don’t know how many of you out there do animal play or specifically kitten play, but i have to say that i don’t have the words to describe how wonderful and fun this was. It pulled on memories of my own cats, childhood memories of make believe with friends, even more recent memories of games of make believe with my daughter. One of the things that fascinated me was the Felix’s ability to dive so fully into kitten space that they really were acting and reacting like the cats i used to own. That was oddly… comforting? I’m not sure if that’s the right word but i can say that i felt an interesting sense of security in the fact that for this short time, i had my own kitten again, and that they trusted me to take care of them and treat them like my very own, if only for a little while. There was a great deal of playing with the cat toys i bought, including but not limited to confusing the hell out of them via one on a string that they kept hunting down but JUST WOULD NOT DIE. Then there was tuna (great for pets and humans alike) and lots of cuddling, head scritches and belly rubs.
I wasn’t sure how to end the scene exactly, but when we’d come to a cuddly stopping point, i simply said “Ok, i’m done if you are. You can bring yourself out of kitten space when you’re ready.” That seemed to be good enough and i watched with no small amount of fascination as Felix settled, then slowly stretched out their legs and arms, extended their fingers from the paw “stance” they’d been in, took a deep breath and began to speak with words again. We both were elated at how much fun the scene had been and, grinning widely, agreed that well definitely have to do such a scene again.
I feel it should be reiterated that my description above pales in comparison to the actual experience. Sometime i feel like my words do the experience justice; this is DEFINITELY NOT one of those times.
February 21, 2014
(as always, some names but have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms. Others have been changed to pseudonyms of their choosing)
Maki and i had never played before, and this scene kinda came up at the last minute. We’d only met, at most, a month prior to the event and hadn’t spoken much until just a couple of weeks before. We seemed to connect pretty well, though, so the chemistry felt good for the scene we’d planned. We found a spanking bench and i disrobed (down to a thong and thigh highs) and climbed onto it. The majority of the scene was caning, which, though i’ve had a little bit of self practice, was new to me. Turns out i’m rather a champ at it. I’ve always been a fairly tough bottom; my VERY FIRST scene way back in the day went a lot longer than the people watching thought it would, and if not for certain particularly sensitive areas of mine being stimulated, i probably could have stayed up there a fair amount longer. This scene was with Maki was challenging, but i just let myself relax and breathe, and just take all the pain in. She had like nine million implements, i swear. One of my favorites was a flogger made from a soft synthetic rope with the ends tied off and burned so that they formed these hard knobs on the end.
Maki used a twist on the standard green/yellow/red safeword system, adding the “blue” to the mix, as a way of saying “stay right here at this level, this is just right.” While using the aforementioned flogger, she checked in with me on how i was feeling. I think she hit me about 15-20 times across my ass and upper legs, and then asked for a color. I was in exquisite agony, and breathlessly sighed “Blue.” The scene continued and eventually wound down, and i was a shaky puddle of endorphins, my ass on fire and my eyes lit up like Times Square on Christmas Eve. Maki gently touched me, caressing my body and giving me water, all the while marveling at her work. She came to the front of the bench, fondling my shoulder and looking me in the eyes as i breathed heavily. My brain was yelling “please kiss me” and my mouth soon followed suit. She hungrily obliged me and we made out for what was probably minutes but felt like entirely too short a time.
Once i started coming down from my hormone high, i gingerly removed myself from the bench and she started cleaning and packing up. I could barely walk; every move made my ass and legs cry out in pain as if to say “what the fuck! don’t you know what just happened to us?” Despite their protestation i slowly put my clothes back on and found Jenn in the dungeon, finishing up after some rope time with our friend Vice. Vice and i had a scene planned for the following evening, so i checked in to make sure everything was still a go (it was), and Jenn and i decided it was time to turn in.
We got back to our hotel room and both of us winced and whinged as we took our clothes off to get ready for bed. I could feel how warm my ass still was, and had a strange bit of masochistic fun tensing the muscles in my ass and legs to feel the soreness that would surely be worse in the morning. It was then that i saw Jenn’s back, and the result of Rolento’s handiwork, which was at once impressive and a bit terrifying. Truly a “great and terrible beauty.” She asked me to get pictures of it for posterity, because she’d never been so marked before. I dutifully obliged, and the only way i really got thru it was to turn on my photographer brain and focus solely on that task, because otherwise i’d just have been staring at the marks on her back and getting emotional. Even thinking about it now, i have to rationalize things in my own mind. But i guess this comes with the territory when one is a bit of an over-thinker.
After i applied some ointment to her back, we both finally settled in to go to sleep. Because of the stressors in my life of late sleep hasn’t been an easy thing for me but i thought that maybe that night would be different. Normally after such an endorphin high, like from exercise or intense training, i would drop off into a deep and restful sleep fairly quickly. Sadly this was not the case. My sleep was fitful, and restless; i stirred at the slightest sound or movement, and woke fully only two hours later. I tried to get back to sleep with about the same result, though thankfully i at least slept longer this time.
It appeared that no one in my room was feeling particularly energetic saturday morning. We decided to skip the classes we’d originally planned on and lazed in bed until hunger urged us to become upright and mobile. I just was grateful that i’d had the forethought to include energy shots in my pre-WF shopping.
February 21, 2014
(again, some names but have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms. Others have been changed to pseudonyms of their choosing)
After Kyosuke helped me move things down to my room, we decided we had to explore the rumors of the secret tunnel to Quiznos. Surely enough the rumors were true, and there’s a Quiznos RIGHT THERE, thru a little exit to the side of the hotel. I vowed to make use of that tunnel often, grabbed some food for myself and Jenn along with many Gatorades, and went to meet her at the bootblack station where she was waiting to get her new boots taken care of. We chatted for a bit, ate, and then it was her turn. I sat and continued to eat (cuz i eat a lot), and in the process met up with Athena, who ran the Sacred Sex Meetup, that i missed because of my playdate with Kyosuke. I also got to sit and chat with Feral, which was just fun and refreshing because we’d been chatting online like crazy and it was nice to get to talk and connect in person.
Later that night, Jenn and i had a highly anticipated rope date with Ryu. He’d tied me once before (back in 2012) and it was amazing. The fact that we had gone two years without him tying me was simply a travesty that was, thankfully, about to corrected. In our negotiations, i’d asked for him to push me. I’ve been tied at the hands of sadistic riggers before (Jenn is one such), so playing in that way is not new to me, but i wanted to know what that felt like coming specifically from HIM. His brand of sadism (that which i felt of it) is kinda… fantastic. I’m not a rigger, but i bottom to rope a LOT, so i knew a lot of what he was doing, as far as what ties he was putting me in, and i could guess where a lot of the pain was going to come into play, based on the number of wraps he did in certain areas, but more importantly, where there were LESS. Once i was in the air, my suspicions were confirmed, and OMG my shoulders were paying for it. After each transition, he would let me breathe and take it all in, which is standard practice, but something that i noticed is that he was breathing with me. We both have martial arts experience and it was very interesting for me to notice how he was doing an interesting mix of guiding and matching my breathing as i processed the pain and relaxed into each position. At one point while i was inverted, he laid under me and looked me in my eyes and we breathed together. It was very zen for a bit there. I was sweating a lot, though, because it was still very stressful. Once Ryu took me down and untied me, i felt REALLY alive. Endorphin high like WHOA. I almost felt a little silly, because i was giddy, and laughing, but some parts of me REALLY hurt. I ended up having to do some chigong exercises (think dynamic tension, but chinese) that i hadn’t done in years in order to bring my body back to what felt like normal so i could just enjoy the endorphins without being a puddle on the ground. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a puddle, but it’s not what i wanted right then. That would come later.
Once Ryu got himself reset, i had the fun opportunity of watching him tie Jenn as well. It’s always interesting to me to watch her bottom to rope, because being a rigger herself, she knows the technical side of things WAY better than i do. But also she and i don’t process pain the same way, and we get different things out of it. In a way she’s really entertaining to watch bottom, because she’s so vocal and, well, vulgar. So a lot of times it’s just really funny to me. This was no exception. I can’t really explain exactly what was going on in the scene; i don’t have the language for it. But one particularly entertaining moment was when Ryu ran some rope thru her crotch, which elicited two very distinct quotes:
“No rope in my urethra!!”
“My cunt’s gonna fall off!”
Obviously, her vulva was fine. After this was over, i had a little time before my next playdate, an impact play scene with Maki, so i kind of milled about in the dungeon for a bit. At this point Jenn found her “half boyfriend,” Rolento, and though they had not planned to play prior to this, they decided that now would be as good a time as any for Jenn to try bottoming to whipping again.
I had conflicting thoughts about this. On the one hand, i was getting ready for an impact play scene, so we had to part ways pretty soon and i didn’t want her to be bored. On the other hand i was sad that i was going to be missing out on this scene because i wanted to be there for her. But since it was going to be a scene with her other partner, it wasn’t really my place to be there for her, it was his. I still wanted to see the scene; i’d never watched them play in person (only on video, funny story), but i figured that i wouldn’t be able to be there for the whole thing. Maki was still prepping for our scene though, so i had some time to watch from afar. It was… an interestingly emotional thing for me to do. I had no need to worry, of course. Rolento is a very experienced and conscientious top, and they’ve played together multiple times, so that wasn’t an issue. But the last time they’d played, Jenn broke down and cried, and it was a release for her that only she can properly explain. Part of me felt sad that i couldn’t be there for her in that moment and it was playing into my emotions now as well. Another part of me felt envious of the fact that i couldn’t help to provide that kind of release for her, but i guess we’re not all wired for such things.
I watched as Rolento started striking with the whip; gentle strokes at first that gradually became harder and more intense, plus the occasional non-connecting crack around Jenn so that the sound would disorient her. I felt myself wince when i first heard her scream. It was a new sound to me, and it struck a chord, deep in my chest. This happened a few more times and i looked away, partially to give myself time to process what i was witnessing, and partially to check and see if Maki was ready to start. Hearing Jenn scream again when i couldn’t see her pulled a different emotion out of me; one of distance. It felt uncomfortable; and seemed to hit home the fact that in that moment, i was really separated from her, and there was nothing i could do about it. After a minute or so, i looked back so see the scene winding down, and watched as Rolento took Jenn in his arms to to provide aftercare. Took less time than i thought it would, and i suppose on one hand i was glad for that because i could witness at least most of it. But i was also relieved that it was over for a few reasons: Maki was ready to start our scene, and if i could still hear Jenn screaming from inside the main dungeon, i wouldn’t have been able to focus. Plus all of the aforementioned feelz.
But now it was time for me to get my own beating.
February 19, 2014
(again, all names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms)
The ride to DC was fairly uneventful. The only things that were mildly interesting were all the detours we had to make on the while trying to find an ATM machine that would read my notoriously un-magnetic bank card, that somehow magically works at grocery and retail stores but not at 90% of ATMs for some reason.
Arriving at the event itself proved to be an adventure. Jenn parked her car (a 4wd SUV) in a space across the street from the hotel, assuming that we’d move it into more permanent parking once we’d checked in. Unfortunately at this point, two things happened. One: the hotel room wasn’t ready yet and it turned out, would not be ready for hours. Two: Jenn’s car was now stuck in the parking space because of the snow and a remarkably deep trench next to the sidewalk which was oh-so conveniently hidden by said snow. Getting the car out so that we could put it into a parking garage was an adventure in itself, requiring the aid of tourists from Wisconsin, a pair of borrowed shovels, and LOTS of pushing. One of the tourist’s children took pictures and asked if we (and this situation) could be in their scrapbook. That was cute. We said yes.
Parking in the garage was kind of annoying because there was supposed to have been valet parking for the hotel we were staying in, which was the hotel where the event was being held, but apparently people who were attending the event but staying in other hotels (since the main one was sold out) were using the main hotel’s valet parking and putting their cars there??? Pissed a lot of people off. Anyway, we got Jenn’s car into a garage (having to pay twice for one day, which nobody likes to do), and luckily my friend Makoto had already checked into their room so they allowed us to keep our stuff there until our room was ready. So we went to registration to get our badges and packets and at last we were, at least semi-officially, at the event for real. Was a good thing too, because i had a playdate already and everything had gotten pushed back by a few hours.
Now it should be noted that one of the reasons i was so looking forward to this event was because i’d finally gotten over a great deal of my shyness and had actually gone out on a limb and asked a LOT of people to play with me. To my surprise, ALL of them had said yes. So i actually had a fairly packed schedule, which is highly unusual for me. Also unusual for me was the fact that i was going with Jenn. Not unusual in the way that i was going to a event with a partner, but unusual in the way that, despite the fact that we both had play dates and whatnot arranged with other people, we were actually there TOGETHER. I’ve been to events, partnered, before. My spouse and i had gone to at least three, but once we got settled into the hotel room, with few notable experiences as exceptions, we were basically attending these events alone, and not because that was what i wanted, but because my spouse went about doing their own thing and didn’t care what i did. By this i don’t mean “yes, go and do what makes you happy because i’m not into everything you’re into and your happiness is important to me.” I mean the literal words out of their mouth were “I don’t give a fuck what you do.”
This never sat well with me, because that type of attitude is not now and has never been compersion, but apathy. I didn’t want, and don’t want, a partner who is APATHETIC about what i do. I want a partner who cares about the choices i make, because that means they care about me. Whether celebratory or critical, if a person doesn’t care what I do, it means they don’t actually care about me as an individual. I wish I’d come that realization a LOT earlier. Anyway, coming to this event with Jenn, a person who actually DOES care what i do, and has feelings about what i do and who i do it with, made the event rather a huge deal, because in my mind, it was going to be either a great experience or a tough one (or a mix of both), but since we have established a pretty good pattern of communicating with each other about our feelings of jealousy, envy, and other uncomfortable things, this was going to be an important time for us and for our relationship, however it was going to play out.
Anyway, after getting everything kinda-sorta together, i met up with my lovely friend Kyosuke for my first playdate of the event. We’d talked about playing for a while, because we hadn’t seen each other in months, and the last time we played (WF 2013) was a great deal of fun. This time around, we decided to go with a different vibe than the more D/s type scene we’d done previously. We both had rather busy schedules for this event and so their idea was that we needed a relaxing way to start things off before all of the chaos ensued. So we opted to make use of my massage table (an AWESOME gift from Jenn), and I’d give them a massage with option of a happy ending. Just to make things more interesting all around, i’d be giving them the massage with my newly acquired Njoy Large plug in my butt. Oh gee, twist my arm! :P We took a quick shower and went downstairs.
Being among the first people to use one of the now open playspaces was an interesting experience for me. I’m not normally one to get to an event and start playing right away. I’ve always been one of those people who feels a need to get acclimated to the environment, especially a sexual environment before getting into play. Much like how i can’t just dive headfirst into a pool without testing the water first. So this situation was new to me in that way, but since it was also a really laid back kind of scene (i mean seriously, massage is not what people think of when they hear “BDSM”), that aspect was diminished greatly. Made the entire experience very comfortable, and since the room we were in was empty, kind of intimate in its own way.
I started with my typical massage pattern, using exploratory touch to establish connection, find knots and kinks in muscles, and to just enjoy the feel of my hands on Kyosuke’s soft skin. We both relaxed into the sensations and they asked if they could touch me while i was massaging them. Oh, yes please! I always find it interesting when i give a massage to someone other than Jenn, because the reactions are always so different. Kyosuke did not disappoint, and i was intrigued by the way that they would breathe thru things, and seemed to focus on not reacting audibly. In fact the only time there was anything to say other than when i checked in was when they noticed that i was dripping on them. Turned out to be sweat.
Having decided fairly early on that the happy ending option was TOTALLY what they wanted, i proceeded to provide exactly that. Having given Kyosuke orgasms before, i remembered fairly quickly what they liked, and was happy to see, hear and feel that my memory served me correctly. After a few variations on the stimulation, they were feeling pretty good and spent, and i was very worked up. Thanks to the plug, plus the fact that i get very turned on watching (and especially helping) people cum, AND the fact that they’d been manually stimulating a bit as well, i was ready for a happy ending of my own which we had also already negotiated. They watched me very intently and tweaked my nipples (::shudder:: ooohhh yeah) as i stroked myself to orgasm, and made a bit of a mess in ejaculating onto their chest. Once i caught my breath, i made sure to lick a bit off of them, because yummy. And hot. ^_^ Their reaction to the volume was something we both found pretty humorous:
“Dude! How… that is a LOT of cum.”
“Well, between you and the plug, the buildup made quite a difference.”
“Seriously! That is, like, HENTAI LEVELS of cum! Does that just start happening when you watch enough of it or something?”
“Of course. I gain hentai level cum powers by osmosis. :P “
Afterward, we went up to their room and showered again, and cuddled for a bit. Sadly the cuddling was cut short because of other scheduling issues I needed to get my and Jenn’s stuff out of Makoto’s room so that it wouldn’t take up so much space and intrude on a party they were hosting, and i also needed to get said stuff into my room, which was FINALLY ready. We parted ways here, and unfortunately didn’t see much else of each other for the rest of the event but we both agreed that, even with having to put it off for a few hours, this was the best way to start the weekend.
February 18, 2014
(All names but one have been changed to Capcom pseudonyms)
I had been looking forward to Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire this year for a lot of reasons. I was getting to know more people, i’d been a lot more open and receptive in my poly/kinky/queer life, i was getting better at asking for the things i want without fear of how such a thing would be perceived (because, let’s face it, i’m just a pervert in the company of perverts), and in general i was feeling pretty good about my life. I had a lot of anticipation building, and it had been the case for months since the day i registered back in November.
So naturally the course of things would not run smoothly, because the universe loves to toy with us.
First off, of course was the separation. Wasn’t really a separation so much as my spouse pretty much just ran away with my child. My spouse claimed a desire to be amicable, and that since my financial situation has never been spectacular, they didn’t want me to be impacted too terribly by the loss. But it all was bullshit. I’m not going to go too deeply into that (it may be the subject of another writing) but suffice to say that “amicable” is not a word i’d use to describe how things have gone. Anyway, Winter Fire happened to fall on a weekend where I’d be taking care of my daughter (we’d arranged alternating weekends due to my then work schedule), so i did some legwork and arranged for my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law to watch my daughter for that time. Everything seemed to be fine, so i was all set. I’d gotten the time off from my job, the hotel room was booked, i’d made arrangements for myself and my girlfriend, Jenn, at a nice restaurant, everything was cool.
Wednesday, the week of the event, not two hours before it was time for me to go home for the day, i got called into my boss’ office. I thought nothing of it until they closed the door. I was being laid off. No reason given. Just “Hey, today’s going to be your last day. Call our payroll and benefits specialist to get the info you need to collect unemployment. You don’t need to clock out when you leave; we’ll let you have the rest of the time for the day.” And that was it. There was nothing i could do but calmly hand in my keys, collect my things and walk out the door into the cold. I decided that this would not negatively affect my plans for the weekend, and that i would just deal with things when i got back, so i went shopping for my last minute necessities. On my way home, i checked in on my child care plans, and here’s when things got REALLY rocky. My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law had been very sick, and was still in the process of recovering. She was not feeling up to the task of watching my daughter, so suddenly my plans were basically shot. I was now scrambling for child care and was asking everyone i knew to ask everyone they knew to see what could be done. I spoke to the spouse, since their mother decided somewhere in the conversation to just STOP TALKING TO ME, and after a big run around, another arrangement was made with the spouse’s friend, and everything was ok again. This process, however, left me ragged. Besides the fact that it was going to likely be the last bit of fun i was going to have for a while thanks to my now dire financial situation, i’d had commitments made to many other people, chiefly my girlfriend. If i couldn’t go, neither could she. On top of that, we’d arranged for my friend Felix to also stay in our room, and if i had to cancel, since the room was in my name, they’d have to find somewhere else to sleep at the last minute and i didn’t want t put that kind of pressure on ANYONE. I ended up having a SIGNIFICANT freak out moment; screaming, punching things… think Agron, from Spartacus, being jealous when Nasir was being hit on by that cute black pirate character. Was ugly. You REALLY didn’t want to see me then.
But anyway, crisis averted, and Winter Fire was still a go. I breathed a gigantic sigh of relief. The universe decided to throw one more little spitball my way, though. The weather decided “hey, i feel like snowing again, just to wreck everyone’s plans. Sounds like fun.” So, there was lots of snow, and the dinner reservations i’d made had to be canceled, as well as the first night of our hotel stay. This worked out better for us all in the end, because it saved a great deal of money. So, all in all that bit was actually for the better, though annoying.
So, now that all of the immediate things were handled, things were generally ok. Jenn was here, we knew what the plans were for the next day, and i was more relaxed and all set to forget about real life for the weekend. The next morning, we dug her car out from under the snow one more time, got everything packed up, i did my multiple “pre-flight checks” and we set off for a weekend of fun and adventure.
“And evening and morning were the first day.” Or something like that.
January 1, 2014
It’s been almost a year since i’ve written anything on this blog. I see as i look thru my WP dashboard that i have some drafts in here, and i don’t think that they’ll ever see the light of day, since they are all at least a year and a half old.
So, it’s 2014 now and I’ve officially had the WORST beginning to ANY year, EVER. It can only get better over the course of the next 364.75 days. There’s backstory for this of course, so i’ll give you, dear readers, the short version.
My wife of seven years is divorcing me. This has, as one might imagine, caused an emotional storm inside me that rages to this day. It’s made me fearful for all of my relationships, suspicious of any new ones that come along, including friendships, and i feel like i live in an almost constant state of worry that everyone is going to leave me and i’m going to die in a ditch in the middle of nowhere and no one will care or remember me. This culminated this morning, where i checked out one of my social networks and saw a cryptic status update from my girlfriend at a New Years Eve party (poly, remember), which caused me to get so freaked out that i literally, ACTUALLY SHAT MYSELF, in my bed.
I CANNOT live like this anymore.
I cannot be so focused on others that i lose myself.
I cannot be so focused on others that i don’t take care of myself.
I cannot continue to give to others at the expense of myself.
I cannot continue to be so displeased with myself that i rely on others to lift me up. No entity in this world or any other is that reliable.
And i CANNOT get so upset about others that i SHIT MYSELF.
I must build myself up so that my relationships with others are based on CHOICE, both mine and theirs, not NEED from any party.
Suffice to say that 2014 will be a rebuilding year. I have to go thru all this legal stuff wit the divorce, and it’s going to be ugly, because i’m going to fight for everything i can get out of it. I gave up 7 years of my life to this woman.
I hastily quit school when i was on my way to a degree in my chosen career field, which fucked up the future i was building in ways that are still affecting me financially, and emotionally.
When I saw the opportunity to put myself back on the path, i gave it up in the name of “supporting her” and we had a child whom i love dearly but who was ill-timed, and really could have waited another 18 months until i had completed the certificate program hat would have put me and us both in a better financial position to be supporting a child in the first place, but OH NO i had to go and shrink away from my better judgment because i didn’t want to fight and have resentment build. And the kicker is that it did build, just in me and not in her.
Ever since then it’s been one setback after another. Shitty job after shitty job, me not standing up for myself because i didn’t make enough money to feel like i had any leverage, and constantly letting her control things because i felt like i never had any. It wasn’t true, i CEDED control to her out of fear. And now all of her decisions about our relationship have come full circle and i’m being kicked OUT.
Fun thing, she decided that our relationship was no longer worth continuing RIGHT AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. which was also right after i’d finally come out of the closet as poly, queer and genderqueer. I was riding a high of liberation and openness only to be shot down into an abyss of loneliness and fear. And then she went to live with her boyfriend and took our child with her.
So, here i am, picking up the pieces.
It’s got to get better.
January 9, 2013
So, this is something that’s been on my mind for a really long time (about 8 months now, all told), it’s something i’ve struggled with, along with gender, gender expression and everything else.
(apologies for binarist language; i’m going to be talking about media messages, which are are terribly binarist)
As i’ve gotten older (and have had a lot more of it), PiV sex, aka “the old in and out” has become kind of… distasteful for me. Not that i don’t want to do it, but i think that the way it’s often depicted in media, and the way those of us who are read as men are taught/supposed/expected/socialized to be, sexually, is pretty fucked up.
For example, if you look at the standard lads mags (Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Playboy) or at any visual media that actually tries to talk about sex (whether seriously or not), when it comes to men, the general axiom is LAST LONGER, because apparently every man on the planet comes in 30 seconds and their partners all are going to leave them unless they have porn star stamina. Men are also told that unless they make their partners have like 15 orgasms a night, they’re worthless.
But then if you look at magazines like Cosmopolitan, the message is always “how to make him come,” “here are his secret sex buttons,” etc etc etc. So, wait a minute, are men supposed to last two hours, or 20 seconds? Because according to that, women want men to come as soon as possible because that makes women feel sexy, and that’s all any woman wants because sex appeal is the end all be all of their self-esteem.
So, here i am, kinda caught in the crossfire of all this. I can tell you from experience that lasting longer does impress people, and can derive greater pleasure from my partners. I can also tell you from experience that orgasming quickly brings a different kind of pleasure to one’s partner for completely different reasons. How, you may ask? For that i must tell a story…
Once upon a time before we had a child, my wife and i fucked pretty much ALL THE TIME. At one point she’d been off the pill because the hormones were messing with her, and we were using condoms exclusively. This lasted about 6 months, i think. Now, my staying power has always been pretty good, because i took the messages from lads’ mags to heart, and read many sex books and did a lot of practicing (read: masturbating) to train myself to hold off orgasm. So, with condoms in place to take away some of the sensation, lasting a while was pretty easy. When she got back on the pill, the first time riding bareback again provided a notable difference in sensation, and i orgasmed in about 90 seconds. I was pretty embarrassed by this, but after a good laugh (which actually didn’t help with the embarrassment) she assured me that it was all good, and in fact hot that i came so fast, because it was sexual self-esteem booster that i just couldn’t help myself, and it sent the message that I was just THAT hot for her. Also, of course that just because i came ONCE, didn’t mean the night was over (and it certainly was not).
So here i am now, years later, actively polyamourous and having had PiV sex with a fair number of people at this point, and now i’ve got this mental block around orgasm. And not just that, but around PiV sex in general. Honestly i just don’t enjoy it anymore. I’ve been trying to figure what my deal is, and i’ve figured out a few reasons why:
1. I’m SUPPOSED TO. Being someone who is consistently read as male (whether i want to or not), the general consensus in conventional society is that i’m supposed to be all about sticking my dick in something, as a kind of biological imperative. It’s supposedly “in my nature.” Well, to hell with that.
2. Coupled with that is the general expectation that PiV sex is the pinnacle of human sexual connection. I disagree with that completely. There’s nothing particularly special about it; nothing that sets it apart from any of the many other types of sex and forms of intimacy, except for the fact that it can lead to babies. I’ve already got the baby part covered anyway.
Those are the main things, but there are couple of media components to it as well, aside from the aforementioned, that relate to gender and race. Basically, that since i’m an ostensible man, and because i’m black, there’s a subconscious societal expectation that i’m a grunting, jackhammering sex maniac. This has been perpetuated centuries of racist narrative that considers me and “my kind” to be something other than (and usually less than) human; typically animal, and thus more oriented toward physical activity as opposed to higher functions, like SPEAKING. So, compared to our white counterparts, we’re simultaneously desired as sexual objects (toys) but once that purpose is served, we are useless except for possibly some other mindless labor.
This narrative about black people is perpetuated contemporarily in various forms of media where we are viewed or depicted as sexual (movies, music videos, magazines, etc), but also in porn. BBC bull porn, cuckolding, and just about any porn with black people present seems to perpetuate the stereotype, gay porn included. Besides the fact that the characters (if there is a plot) are rarely anything but “ghetto fabulous” tropes, once the sex begins, it’s this constant rapid fire thrusting and pumping (which, honestly is the same as any porn, but from what i’ve seen it’s even worse), often with a “woman as receptacle” angle. And “straight” porn in general is just so misogynistic that i feel like someone with my desires and fantasies is pretty much left out of mainstream society. Not that i’m mainstream, but, y’know.
Anyway, these expectations permeate pretty much every encounter, and they totally aren’t *me.* While i’m glad to pleasantly surprise people, i wish that it wasn’t quite SUCH a surprise that i don’t have any desire to engage in 200 horsepower piston-fucking. Even in situations where i’m not “bearing the aerobic burden” as one friend of mine put it, i find myself feeling, if not unsatisfied in general, simply let down. That, or i feel like i had to *put up with* the high energy, high friction workout (and it does feel like WORK), to get to the actual human contact and real intimacy that i’m craving. Also, in these cases the encounter can feel phony and staged.
I’ve been avoiding sex in general because of all these things. If i’m not going to be satisfied with the encounters, i’m not going to bother.
So, what WOULD satisfy me?
Well, first off, the abolition of all of these expectations based on what i look like and my genital configuration. If my partners (current and future) pay attention to what my individual desires are and not what they think *should* be the case, that would go a long way. But also, a *feeling* of intimacy is very important to me, and the things that feel like intimacy when it comes to sex are the kinds of things that almost seem childish in their simplicity. Perhaps this is why supposedly sexually sophisticated adults tend to avoid them? I dunno.
Kissing and cuddling, for one. These are greatly lacking in the majority of my sexual encounters of late. This can often be a factor or time available (whee parenthood), but for me, time NEEDS to be made for these. Also, these are not FOREPLAY. Kissing and cuddling (and physical contact, and touching with parts that aren’t crotch-adjacent) are integral to my sexual enjoyment. I can orgasm without these things, but i usually feel empty after the hormone rush wears off.
Speaking of orgasm, the assumption that orgasm is the POINT of every sexual encounter is extremely wrong-headed. Orgasms are pleasurable, of course, and yay for having them organically. But aiming specifically for orgasm at the outset takes away from being in the moment with my partners, which dissipates the connection. So for me to have a sexual experience that doesn’t leave me feeling empty, that expectation has to be removed. If i’m honest with myself, it is something that i need to remove from my thought process as well.
When discussing this with a friend the other night, they mentioned that one of their biggest turn-ons (and i agreed wholeheartedly) was extended make-outs, to the point where the participants are dry humping each other because they’re so worked up. Not as a conscious act, but as an instinctual extension of the activity; because they’re so into what they’re doing that their body takes over regardless of what they might actually be thinking, if anything. This is exactly what i want out of my sexual encounters. Relaxed, in-the-moment, partner focused, and non-performative. Not to take away from the performance aspect of fucking; there’s a time and place for showing off and being all “let me impress you,” and that can be a LOT of fun, but i’m at a point where i’m tired of it because it’s been such a large part of my sexual life, and my ego doesn’t need any more inflating.
One delicate issue here, when it comes to partners who may be interested in the same thing, is physical compatibility. Sadly, sometimes bodies don’t interlock as easily or as well as we’d like, and no matter the desire in place nothing can be done about that. PiV just has to be taken off the menu in those cases, but so far that hasn’t happened very often.
Thankfully, non-performative expectation-free sex has been something that i’m finding people are into, and more so than i thought. So, it seems that i CAN have a mutually satisfactory sexual encounter. I just need to keep myself open to the possibilities and honest about what i’m looking for when they present themselves.